The Podcast Diaries: The Crimson Wave E5

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The Transcript: 

Hi.

Hello.

Welcome to the Crimson Way.

Welcome.

Today our guest is-

Robby Hoffman.

Really? Well, that is some guest.

Robby Hoffman.

Per usual, your host here is Natalie Norman.

Jess Beaulieu.

And our lovely guest hills all the way from Montreal, now living in Toronto-

Well, she lives in Toronto, yeah.

... Right.

She didn't fly here-

No, maybe she flew.

... For the podcast ... Or take a bus?

I don't know. Natalie-

Sit a little closer.

There you go.

Natalie picked me up.

Yeah. From middle of nowhere it sounds like.

In Hoodsville.

Yeah.

In Hoodsville?

You [inaudible 00:00:57].

Oh boy.

Are we going to get to do this? [crosstalk 00:01:01].

Yeah. Whenever I'm around Robby I think I'm a hundred times more Jewy.

Yeah, you really do already.

Yeah. That's weird since I'm not Jewish.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Robby is a comedian. She has a lovely, well, a web series. Oh?

Oh.

And one of the settings is in a church or a shul.

Yeah, we try and do it in religious settings to keep with the theme of the material. And-

That's pretty funny.

What else should we say about ... She was in Women in Comedy Festival, right?

Sure. Yeah. That's-

You were there in Boston?

In Boston.

I was there too.

Oh wow!

When, last year?

Yeah. Three years.

Three years in a row?

Three years. Yeah.

Why didn't I see you there last year?

You know what it is? I think you were avoiding me.

No. No.

No. I don't know why you didn't see me.

I don't know why we didn't see each other. That's weird. I would have hung out. We would have hung out.

We would have hung out. Different shows. Yeah.

Different shows.

Different shows.

What else do you want us to say about you? What other lovely thing things?

What else?

She's hilarious.

Oh, thank you.

Amazing. We bonded last night.

We did.

Really for the first time I'd say.

Yeah.

Not that I didn't you.

Wow!

I mean-

That was-

It got heated up fast

[crosstalk 00:02:17] closer than that, right guys?

Right.

But I feel last night we bonded. We were on a show together. Didn't happen. No audience. Classic Toronto comedy scene. But we had a beer, talked shop.

Yeah.

And, well, more importantly, Robby has her period right now.

I've been wearing a tampon for 12 hours.

That's really not good.

Is that too long?

Yes. Are you crazy?

Oh.

And also this is the first time that we've recorded an episode where I have my period.

I do not have my period. I feel I'm-

It came early.

As usual your girls are out in Adelaide, thank you.

Oh, they're not really-

[crosstalk 00:02:55] breasts.

Yeah, but they're always out-

They're really out tonight.

It's because I'm ovulating.

Oh, because you're bigger.

She's never lonely because they're always with her. [crosstalk 00:03:04].

Oh, keeping her warm.

When I be ovulate my breasts get huger.

I don't even know what ovulating means. I don't know that I paid attention during Sex Ed, but-

Do you never feel a week before or 10 days before your period that all of a sudden you get a mood swing or something?

No. I don't feel that at all.

Ovulating is just the eggs flushing out. Is that not it?

My life is just so full of anxiety, I don't know some anxiety is from my period. I don't know what it is. I can't contribute it.

Well, if you're always anxious, probably not.

Maybe you can tell.

Right.

You can't tell.

Well, all I know is that at 10 days prior to this, I knew I was ovulating because I started crying.

She did, she cried.

I was, "Oh, I'm ovulating."

But you're always crying.

Yeah. You cry. You can see an old lady across the street and you're balling, you're tears.

Yeah, but this was a sob, a hard sob.

For no reason.

Why are we in darker places than we should be for this comedy podcast.

No, this is what we like. We want realness.

Okay.

The most open-

And I was wearing a baby tampon. And what I mean by baby tampon, it's the smallest tampon possible that I'm pretty sure I almost lost it in my uterus.

The OB-

In your uterus?

Yeah [crosstalk 00:04:15].

It would have had to travel real far out your uterus.

Well, I by accident put it really deep.

Again, the uterus is also a very big thing for me. I know it's somewhere. I don't really pay attention. I've never been on the pill. I've never had to keep schedule. I know about an hour before my period I get cramps, and I know I'm getting my period. That's it? It's a total shock every time it happens-

Every month, right?

Yeah. I don't even know if it's every month. I can't even remember when it was.

You don't know what?

I'm always-

You don't know? You sound you an 85 year old grandma who goes, "I don't know even know when it is." [crosstalk 00:04:52]. Can't you remember?

I really don't remember when it is.

This going to be interesting asking you these questions. You're not going to have any answers.

Okay, well, maybe I'll [inaudible 00:05:03] some.

We hope something gets triggered. We're going to be talking for half an hour for God's sakes.

Okay, let's-

How old were you when you got it? Do you remember?

March 9th-

You do-

What?

... 2000.

Actually?

That is so exact. 2000?

My great uncle's, birthday. This is what happens. I was in Jeff Karp's-

Wait, how old were you?

13. Jeff Karp's Jewish history class-

It sounds so far away. Sorry Robby.

I have a pain I've never experienced. Jeff Karp, our teacher at the time who would give Tic Tacs out, and the shorter your skirt was the more Tic Tacs you got.

That's creepy.

That kind of teacher.

That's disgusting. The Tic Tacs though, why?

I don't know. It was just added to his-

Pervy-

... Yeah. Well, he wasn't, I don't even want to say that because he was great-

Yeah, right.

... But he pulled up a chair and I was just lifting my legs on the chair. It was super awkward. Then I got home and my mother's screaming. I'm in the bathroom just [inaudible 00:06:01] but still cramps. And I'm, "I think I have to go to the washroom and make number two or whatever."

We say poo.

I can't. But you can.

You needed to take a big shit.

And I hear from the kitchen, "Cake! Cake! Cake!" My mother is ... Everyone needs to come downstairs to get cake for my great uncle's birthday.

Oh.

"Cake! Kids there's cake! Girls! Girls! Girls! Boys! Boys!"

You should mention that you're the seventh of 10 children.

Right.

You have nine siblings?

Yes.

That's nuts! I didn't know that.

Oh wow. Yeah, no, I have nine siblings.

Holy fuck!

So, when they're saying girls and boys they're out, everyone ... Does everyone that ... So, what happened? You-

So, my mother doesn't want to do the candles until all 10 of us are there. And I'm on the toilet.

Holy!

And I'm screaming, "Do it without me! Just have the cake! Just save me a piece!" Which of course is impossible with my family. You snooze, you lose.

Yeah.

There is not an extra piece. Then my mother came in, and I had just got my period I think. I don't know if it was on the toilet. It was somewhere around when I got my period, and she was, "Oh my, oh my. We're gonna gave the cake. I'll do that."

So, everyone ate cake still?

Right.

And left you bleeding in the bathroom?

Right. Then I was fine. And my older sister, [Kleier 00:07:30], is amazing. She's still to this day the biggest diva I know. But it was five minutes after I got my period, and she's ... My family calls me Pitt. She's, "Pip, come into the, the, the bathroom, let me give you a lesson." And I'm, "Okay." So, I walked into the bathroom. My oldest sister, who's 17 I want to say, just a woman, has her leg up on the toilet with a tampon in one hand and pops it in in front of me. She's, "You're wearing tampons. That's how you do it."

She shoved it in?

No, no. She was doing it to herself. I'm watching-

Oh my God. I missed-

... Horrified.

Okay. Sorry?

I'm watching. I'm horrified. I barely have boobs. I don't even know how I got my period. It happened ... I don't even know if I had pubic hair. I-

You must have.

I don't even remember what it was, but all I remember is she had pubic hair and lots of it. And she was just ... I couldn't even ... The fact that there was a hole deep enough, the whole thing was just so crazy to me. And it was just, to this day, it's very traumatizing even though I use tampons all the time.

Yeah.

Every time I put a tampon in, which is often enough, I see my sister Kleier with her leg up on the toilet popping one in.

So, you've never worn a pad?

No, I did. I always slept with them.

Okay.

For sure. But Kleier was having none of it. She would oversee my period and ask me if I had it. And if I was in a patch, she'd be, "You're disgusting", and shoved me into the bathroom with a tampon.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

But that's awesome. And it's nice that you cared that much-

Right.

... To instruct you.

Yeah. I guess.

Was that a tradition she passed to all your sisters?

No, I think, I don't know, I think she just got ... I don't know what happened with my little sisters, but I think she just took it upon herself to teach me this one great life lesson and then moved on from teaching.

I loved that when you said, "You didn't just, you're shocked that there was a hole so deep that it could fit." That's true. I remember when I first started putting tampon ... When the penis first went in there I was, "This is insanity," because when you first started using it nothing can go in, right?

Right.

I don't know if you've struggled with it. I did, that's for sure.

Right.

Did you struggle at first?

Of course. I was, "It's not gonna happen." I had this, "Maybe yours is deeper."

Yeah.

"Maybe you have. Maybe I got outgrown."

Yeah. Her bush is bigger, her hole is deeper. Yeah.

"Your [inaudible 00:09:55] is a bit bigger. Like, look at me and look at you. You're a woman, I'm a child. And wearing ..."

Well, you were a woman now.

Right. And now it goes deep.

So, wait. So, your mother knew. Did you tell your younger sisters?

Everybody knew because my mother is not ... We grew up with a single mom. So, by the time I had my period it was just my mom raising us, and-

Holy! Your mom raised 10 children?

Yeah. And my mom would just go do these pharmacy runs two or three times a week depending on what we needed. But she would announce that she was going to the pharmacy, and then be, "I'm getting pads for Pip, and tampons, and who else needs some things?" And my five brothers are there and it's just, "Oh God!" So-

What was all your brother's reactions, because you also ... Do you have a bunch of older ones or a bunch of younger ones?

There was no reaction to anything in my family. My brothers grew up with five sisters. I grew up with five brothers. We both know everything about both sexes, and it's-

I can't believe this.

... There isn't anything.

I think that's nice.

It's incredible. What an amazing family. I can't believe you your mom raised 10 children.

Yeah. We're quaza. We're so ... She got through it. Raise is a very lose term.

She got through it?

Has your period ever been late? But I feel for you, you don't track your period.

I don't know. I had no idea if it's been late, I imagine. I've never been worried as a lesbian if I'm pregnant. Oh, I have one story. You asked me to have a story.

You want to tell it now or-

Go for it.

Do we do the story now?

Shoot.

Yeah.

You give us a story story.

Why not? Go for it.

Okay. So, I was in, I want to say my first year at McGill, and I didn't get my period for six months. I had had also been working-

What?

... I'd been working a dog. I worked through school most of us, and I just didn't get my period. And I started tracking because I literally couldn't remember the last time I had my period, and then four months had gone by and I estimated ... Anyway, it was six months, no period. So, I made an appointment with my doctor, and my friend, Melissa, drove me to the appointment. I call her [Malai 00:12:08]. I was, "Malai, like what if I've been, like what if I'm the Virgin Mary? Like, I have to relive, like, like the Jesus is reborn out of me. Like, like, you know that I'm a lesbian, you know I haven't slept with any men-

Yeah.

... Okay. Would you believe me? Like, Let's say I come back from the doctor, he's like, 'You're pregnant.' Would you believe me or would you think that, you know, I had gone out on some crazy night [crosstalk 00:12:31]."

You're the last person to ever sleep with a man.

Right. Okay. So-

Were you insulted by that?

Kind of. I don't know why.

Why.

Why? I-

It's not because that you can't, it's because you wouldn't want to know.

No. I wouldn't. I have discovered, even recently in my most recent relationship, just how much of a lesbian I am-

Yeah.

... It's actually shocking to me. I'm, "Why do I ..."

Why?

Because it's just, it's so shot. I'm so into women.

That's great.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

Anyways, so, I was, "Would you believe me Melissa?" And she's, "No, I would think, like I would admit you, like I'd have you admitted like if, if that that's the case." And I really thought for a few days that I was preparing to hold Jesus. No, I was thinking, you know Moses was asked by God to do this big thing and lead the Jews out of Egypt and do that whole mission and he really wasn't in a place in his life to do that but he had to man up-

So, you felt you were the next Messiah?

I felt-

The second Messiah.

... I really couldn't take another thing. I had been working and I had exams and you were just, "You're broke, you're a student," and I'm, "I cannot believe that now I'm expected to raise Jesus on top of it all."

So, you were concerned about the financial worry. I can't believe all these other things I have to do.

But Jesus has become a part of it.

I love how you were so practical about it.

So, wait, [crosstalk 00:13:58] the doctor?

So, I have the most amazing doctor. He did a physical, I was in the robe. Then he did a 10 minute physical. And he was, "Come to my office after. Get dressed and come to my office." And I went to his office, and he spoke to me for a half hour. There was a million patients and he was just the most patient man, most professional person I've ever met. And he spoke to me for a half hour about what I do, what my worries are, what my curriculum is like, what my job is like, all these things, and just really had helped me process a lot of the stuff in my life. And the next day I got my period.

No.

Yes.

Wow!

It was cathartic. I just hadn't stopped to analyze my life for a second.

That's so fucking cool.

Because nothing else was wrong with you. It was just purely stress.

And he knew to talk to me. He was, "Let's just like run through your life. Let's just like categorize what's happening in your life." And the next day I got my period. [crosstalk 00:15:02].

Was it a happy period?

I don't remember. But I called Melissa. I was, "You'll never believe it." But then the dream of raising Jesus had died.

Yeah.

Because I, at this point had worked out-

You had just found your destiny.

Yeah. To a point where I thought, "Okay, I can do this. Fine. Like, it's not ideal, but I'm going to pull through, and I'm going to give Jesus ..."

You didn't genuinely feel that. Did you genuinely-

I genuinely felt that.

That's ... No, I can't-

You know what? I'm going to say this, I feel a lot of girls feel that way. When they're a virgin and they miss a period, I feel that's the first thought that comes to their heads. They're-

I thought that I couldn't impregnate myself for-

You thought you could have impregnate yourself?

Yes. I just thought sometimes when I hadn't had sex yet, because I didn't lose my virginity till 21. So, before that, if my period was late, I'd think, "You know what? Maybe there's a way that I somehow impregnated myself."

That way it was God.

It was God.

Sometimes-

But I was already thinking soccer lessons for baby Jesus.

For baby Jesus.

I don't know. I was thinking-

Would you have named the baby Jesus?

No. His name... He would've been named. He would have been Jesus.

Yeah, I guess. Did Mary name Him? No. Did she?

She named Him.

Did she name Him?

I don't know. I don't know the-

I think she did name Him actually.

No, but I was, "What does Jesus do until He becomes Jesus? I have like so many lessons to go ... Like, what if he's into skating? I can't really be with Him then, I can't skate. Like, I hope He's into"-

Wow!

... "Into things I can be supportive of."

You're not supportive of skating?

No, but, I'm not going to be on the ice there, I can barely bounce on the ice. Anyway.

Do you-

Next question.

Do you get PMS?

It's hard for me to objectively answer that. I think you'd have to ask people I was around. I presume I do.

Yes.

Does it manifest in a bitchy way? Probably not. Probably I get impatient, because I think that my-

I feel you're already [inaudible 00:16:57] patient.

Right. And my inclination when everything's on ... It's, I become snappy and impatient, but not ... I don't know.

And it correlates with your period?

I don't know that it does.

You don't know because you don't even know-

Right. I could just be stressed from other things.

Yeah.

But no, I've had major ... I don't cry a lot.

Yeah.

So, once I didn't cry for a year-

You didn't cry for a whole year?

Yeah.

Whoa!

And I was very worried about that.

That, I would be worried about that.

Well, you cry every day. I cry every day almost too.

I didn't cry for a whole year.

Wow.

But then I had exams, and I'm a girl, very traumatic period.

All this happened to all of the girls during the exams.

Not if they're like [inaudible 00:17:40]. It was great time in my life ...

You shouldn't believe any of your own thoughts during the exams that [inaudible 00:17:46] because it seems ...

And I hadn't for a year. Then I finished exams, and I walked out of my last exam for that semester, and I remember just this euphoric feeling that you get when you finish a semester-

Yes, the best.

... Then I just started balling.

I don't have this.

It was just a huge release. I was crying an insane amount. And my Malai, my friend, came to meet me. She was driving me home. She was, "What is wrong with you?" She was already smoking her after exam cigarette. She's showing me into the bathroom. She's horrified. And then I-

But your period this time [crosstalk 00:18:26].

I don't know. It could have been that.

It could have been that. Could have been anything. Wow. All right.

Have you ever leaked?

Oh, all the time.

Yeah.

It's probably happening now.

You think you're leaking on our chair?

Our chair? Onto my white [crosstalk 00:18:44] chair?

No. Who doesn't leak.

I don't know. I ... Yeah.

Yeah, I leak.

I think some people are just really good at changing their tampons, and-

I can be good. In recent years I haven't had an embarrassing situation, and I don't wear a white pants to begin with, so I think I'm fine.

You don't wear white pants? You don't?

No.

My God!

I wear three pairs of panties.

You wear-

Enhanced.

... three pairs of underwear?

Yeah.

Do you actually?

No, I wear three different kinds of pants.

Oh, three different kinds of pants.

Well, they are three pairs.

You mean three pairs at the same time.

No. No, no, no.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Yeah [crosstalk 00:19:20].

Oh, you corrected her. Yeah.

I wear a pair of leggings under my pants during the winter, so that's why thought ... Anyway.

So, no crazy leaks?

No crazy leaks-

Regular leakage.

... Ever? No crazy leak stories and-

Yeah-

What's the most embarrassing place you've leaked? Do you remember?

Not that it's hard for me to be embarrassed by things like that.

Yeah. I feel you don't get embarrassed. I've leaked everywhere. I've leaked everywhere.

I get embarrassed about bathroom stuff. I can't even say number two, what you said before. I'm very

Yeah, poo.

Yeah, I'm-

Really?

... Super private about that stuff. Even with people I'm super cool, I just, I'm private with that stuff, but period, I'm not.

Private with bathroom

Yeah. I don't-

... Activities?

Right.

Interesting.

Yeah.

I wonder why.

I just said-

Why?

I don't know.

You realize it all still comes out of the same areas.

I don't want to talk about it. I find that ... Yeah. It's just-

No, but the piss and the blood is so close.

I don't know, I'm just, I'm private with my bathroom stuff, but not my period. It's-

I feel I'm making you uncomfortable even saying-

No, I'm not. Have sip of the whiskey.

Yeah, have a whiskey then.

She told me ... So, tell me what you do when you get cramps though.

Oh I get terrible cramps.

Yes. Okay.

You do?

Terrible.

Really?

Yeah. Really.

Yeah. I-

Some years it's bad that I take off, whatever I'm working on, I'll take a full day.

Yeah. I do that. Yeah.

Yeah. But I'm not opposed to exceeding the daily limitations listed on the back of Tylenol, Advil, Motrin, Aleves bottles-

You say that like you're so proud.

You're like, "I am not afraid."

Because I feel it's ... I'm not over-medicating I don't think. I think that your limits are not-

Really?

... Realistic.

Because I feel when I pop 12 Tylenol a day I am loopy beyond control.

No.

I, really, because you know what? I think period cramps is usually when I popped a million painkillers in a day. And I find when I've hit my max I-

Yeah. That first day is always the toughest, but-

You just keep going?

I don't know. I've taken three with diet Coke before. If you it with fizzy drink-

Yeah.

No, but I-

The thing is that I don't drink soft drinks a lot, but if there's a Coke near or a Ginger ale or anything fizzy, when you take the pills they immediately dissolve in your mouth, and I find that helpful.

That's a great tip because I would have never thought to do that. And you know what-

I didn't know that either.

... It's funny, I was thinking about what you said. And I told my mom and my mom goes, "That's genius." She goes, "Yeah. You know it, it helps, caffeine really helps dissolve and, uh, makes the-

Caffeine?

... Makes the, um, painkillers work better."

It's just, it's instant. It becomes like it's not a pill, it's a liquid now that you've just taken. I just feel it hits quicker. I don't have 20 minutes of kicking time sometimes. Quick relieving, 20 minutes. I didn't have that kind of style.

You need immediate, immediate.

Immediate.

Immediate.

Yeah.

And you'll take over eight ...

I probably do. But I also don't ... I stay up a long day. Sometimes I'm up ... I'm not getting a full eight hours, so I'm up from-

Never?

A lot of times I do, but what about the days that I don't?

Yeah?

So, per day I go, "Maybe they're thinking this person goes to bed at nine," which makes sense. But what if a person goes to bed at midnight, or one? Then I increase it incrementally by the ...

Okay.

Do the math.

So, it's still safe.

I try and be safe, but I'm, "Come on eight a, eight a day of Aleve, they lost their minds?"

Aleve?

Yeah, Aleve at that and that's that.

Isn't Aleve [inaudible 00:23:07].

Have you ever been gotten a prescription for this? You told your doctor about ... You-

No, because it's ebbs and flows. Sometimes-

What?

... No pun intended. It's up and down for me.

Up and down. Wow, you should really talk to your doctor about this though, because they're that intense he'd probably prescribe some [crosstalk 00:23:27].

Sometimes they're not intense at all though. This period's been easy.

Well, you can keep them, save them for the future.

Right.

I wonder if you took a Tylenol 3 for your period?

No. The thing is I don't mind to take crazy things. I want to keep the regular Tylenol or Motrin, but I like to exceed the dosage. That's my jam.

That's your jam? Exceeding the dosage. Okay, cool.

So, you're a lesbian. Whoa, whoa, I said it, I said it. With your past relationships, did you ever find you [inaudible 00:24:02] up with your girlfriends, periods at the same time?

No, I have no idea.

You have no idea?

No idea. None. Maybe, maybe not.

Great.

End of question. Next event.

That answer is-

Well, it was an answer, yeah. You don't remember.

I have no idea. I'm not interested, I don't care.

You're not interested?

No, I said I'm not interested-

You must know.

... I don't know.

You must know. So, do you have sex before [Ally 00:24:30] had her period? Do you do anything?

Yes.

So, you must know when you're both on your period though.

I can't remember, but probably ... My period is not a thing to me.

Oh.

I look up, "Of course I have got my period." This is [crosstalk 00:24:43]. This was literally last night.

Yeah, you're right-

With my ex, [inaudible 00:24:46] hooking up with.

She's still hooking up with her ex. She talked about her many times last night.

Yes.

Kept bringing it up, running around the barn.

Because our phone didn't have reception.

Yeah, you're phone didn't have reception, you go go outside and hook up with the ex, and the ex-

No, piggy. But, but we're hooking up, and this is how it goes all the time, we're hooking up, and I realized that blood's involved. You look down and you see blood in whatever you're doing. Then it's, you look at each other and you have a moment. I'm, "Fuck, there's blood." And if she says it's okay, you continue doing what you were doing.

Yeah.

Then it's just a blip. It's not even a thing.

But some people are very uncomfortable with it.

It's just because I date women, so they both, they get it.

Yeah they get it, but some women even are comfortable with it.

I have not encountered these women.

Like straight women don't want to have sex with men while they're on their period as well.

Right, because maybe men don't understand, but we both get, being in a lesbian relationship, we both have our period.

So, you've never encountered a woman who was, "No, I'm not sleeping with you. I don't want to do this now because I have my period"?

If she has her period and she doesn't want to do something, fine.

Yeah.

If I have my period and I want to do something I'm going to do it, if it's-

Wait, what?

No, if she's uncomfortable to do something because she has her period, that's fine, but I never feel uncomfortable when I have my period.

Okay.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

You never feel uncomfortable?

No. I'm going to do what I'm going to do, because if I don't have my period, I just don't treat it as a thing.

Right.

That's a nice way to think about it though.

Yeah.

Because we've spoken to other lesbian couples who will do things, but it's a little less interactive.

No. I will pull out whatever tampon needs to be pulled out. I will, whatever, be the cup, I don't-

With your teeth. You'll just rip out that beaver girl.

Here's a question. Do you find that you encounter a lot of diva cups?

No.

No?

No. My current ex put a ... I wore a diva cup for, I want to say a half a minute. It was very painful.

Oh.

I would to do it, but just the learning curve for it I think is going to be too intense for me. So, I-

It's a really big learning curve.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, I know. I've heard that.

Do you buy your templates at the dollar store?

No, I don't. I got these free from my ex.

Oh, so you get them for free. You steal them from me. Said you were hoping-

No. Because my ex uses ... I don't want this to be about that.

This is why you hold out with the exes because steal their-

Okay I don't want this to be about [inaudible 00:27:19]. Move on.

Okay, well, hey, would you at least have ever seen a movie or read a book or seen a scene from a television show or something about periods that sticks with you? Can you think of anything?

Yeah. Hey, Are You There God, It's Me Margaret.

Yeah, I've never read this book.

Oh my God, you should read it.

So, tell us about that because I don't read.

Yeah, what is ... Don't read at all. Natalie's never read a book in her life.

Natalie, this is probably good for to read actually. It is written for the little girls having [inaudible 00:27:46]

Oh, perfect. I love ... That is perfect me, I ...

No, I think the book is written before modern pads have come into the world. So, the pad was this belt apparatus-

Oh.

... And that's all I remember from it. It's just how-

That's it?

... Everybody at that age at 13, people were really nervous about their period or curious about it or wanted it. And I just was indifferent to it. I just wasn't worried. Nothing worried-

About your period, just generally,

Yeah. I read that, I thought it was cool that there was a belt involved. [crosstalk 00:28:18]. I just wasn't sure.

It's so funny because we've had other people come on the podcast and be, "And there was a belt, it was horrible. And you are, "No, it's so cool that there was a belt."

I wonder how it worked. Was it a diaper, but with ... And I hate-

Did you go to Hebrew day school? I'm sorry I interrupted.

Yeah, I did. We had minor Sex Ed. I don't know what it was, but I think it was mostly just coloring. I don't know how much they went into things.

Coloring books? Breasts and vaginas?

No. The Hebrew teacher doubled as your Sex Ed teacher.

That's so uncomfortable. That is so uncomfortable.

Suddenly he branded it. It's, "Okay, we talk about body." We said, "What?"

We talk about bodies.

And it's, I don't know, it was just very strange, but-

See, because I didn't go to Hebrew school, and in my school, from grades four to six, they taught us about sexuality.

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Then when we're even in grade seven and eight and nine they still taught us more. And-

You were curious.

Well, not that I was curious. That was part of the curriculum. And our teacher who was our gym teacher had to teach us Health Science as well.

Oh.

And it was great. She was fucking amazing.

Wow.

She had this book that she had and she would hand it out and she would have all these beautiful diagrams. And she would show these videos. Everyone knew everything about your period. How could you not? You've been learning about it for 60 years.

Wow.

But this is the thing, you have an older sibling that no one ever talked to you about it before that?

It wasn't unknown to me. It just wasn't ... I just dealt with it as it happened. It was a very easy learning curve for me. I have to, "I got it." My sister popped in a tampon. I went along with the whole thing, and then waited three months for it to happen and just did that thing again.

Three months?

Three months?

Yeah. In the beginning I wasn't regular for a year or something.

Weird.

Yeah. When you first get your period I think that your body-

You're very irregular, right?

Not now. Now I'm not even regular-

You don't even remember.

No. I didn't even [crosstalk 00:30:19].

So, the fact that I never remembered keeps me regular.

You know what-

What?

... You're the first person that we've had on that went to summer camp.

What? Summer camp?

Yeah, I don't understand.

But this is where it comes in. How was your period at summer camp, being 13? You're one of the older girls, I imagine, who got their period. What was it like? Do you remember?

What do mean when you say older?

Well, you were 13. I imagine you were ... I don't know what the average age for someone to get period is.

I think it's 13.

Yeah.

Is it? Okay, so were you one of the first, were you in the middle?

I was probably in the middle. My period was not a big event for me.

But at summer camp was it everyone's sharing tampons.

She's not going give in.

I was private with it probably. I'm not sharing tampons. Everybody camp. I love camp. I think it's the greatest I think. I went to camp since seven. I think another seven year old ought to live with another seven year old and talk about seven year old things. I think it's important. I think as you get older, it's amazing. It's just a village of kids.

Is it?

It's amazing. I probably, just as I was with anything else at that time, I used to be very private about my body. I grew up religious. A lot of girls showered together. Well, you were forced to because the curtains were always, "Yeah, send them on camp." There was always a very botched bathroom shower situation at camp, depending on what unit you were in. But I would wait for most of shower time to be over so I could have some semblance of privacy, even if the shower was freezing, just because I didn't to be naked in front of other people. And not because I had any insecurities. I always felt fine about my body. I never even thought about my body. I've never thought about what my ... I didn't as a teenager, think about what my body looked like.

And my period wasn't different. It was another physical thing that was just fine. I was completely indifferent to it. It was not something ... I wasn't a child that that I spent any time talking about, which a lot of girls or a lot of friends did. I'm happy to listen and join in, but I never thought too much about these things. And whereas girls would share and-

I'm just picturing 13 year old Robby at this camp, and these girls are, "I got my period!" You're, "All right, well, you know, cool."

Yeah. I guess if somebody asked me for an extra tampon I would have given it, but I probably made no mention of when I got my period, but not because I was specifically holding back information, just because I was so indifferent to it.

So indifferent?

It's just, for me, it's just such a part of who I am because I got it at such a young age.

When did you get it, six?

I was 10. Six?

Six.

I can picture [crosstalk 00:33:04].

She was born [inaudible 00:33:05].

Yeah. She was born with bleeding.

I could picture myself getting it at six and I still remember it very vividly when I got my period. I don't remember the date like you. That's crazy that you remember the date.

Yes. Because it was my great uncles birthday and my mother was yelling, "Cake."

Yeah. Well, if someone had yelled cake while I was still putting in a pad I think I would have remembered the date too. "Cake! Cake!"

Probably was a big deal in my family. I grew up with three other older sisters. Not as many as you, but it's something we always talked about.

You had more. I only had two older sisters.

Right. So, someone was always having their period.

Right.

Right.

It was just periodness all the time-

Your dogs.

My dogs, you don't know this but my dogs are not spade.

Oh my God.

So, they also have their period.

Yes. A lot of period in that ...

Why don't the dogs get spade?

It ruins their personality my mother says.

Oh my God. So, it was just blood everywhere in the house.

Well, not anymore. I've talked about this. They've gone through menopause.

Yeah. Oh my God.

Actually it's beautiful in a way.

Menopause is so open to my house too. Nothing in my family, as we were all, I think, private in the public world, but within the house all very open about everything. And even my mother would say ... She'd be really stressful night, putting down the meatloaf or something and be, "Sorry kids, I'm just starting to go through menopause." And I'm, "What?" Like an alarm fire. What does that even mean? Well, my mother would be, "I'm sorry, kids. I got my period." And we're, "What?" She's, "I'm just going to take a long bath if you don't mind." We're, "Please. Just please God!"

I have to tell you this. The other day, I'm in my house. And my mom started screaming, "Whose tampon is this? Who ..." It was a [inaudible 00:34:47] tampon. And she goes, "Whose tampon is this in my bathroom? I've gone through menopause. I do not want to see these things ever again," and throws it at us.

Why are you still at home, Natalie?

That's, well, that's another issue [crosstalk 00:35:00] for another podcast.

Why Are You Still At Home: The Podcast.

Well, she has got a car. Things make sense right now.

Yes. Do you have any period traditions? No, I guess not. You don't. I don't know, when you get your period, do you do anything?

Do you either pick your chocolates?

Do you have cravings?

I don't like chocolate.

Okay. Well, great. What about other foods?

No, I eat what I normally eat.

You don't get affected, you don't crave. But do you drink more and now you like to drink?

I drink often.

You just always drink.

Yeah.

Right.

And they are not more or less. Do you ever drink more to kill the pain?

No.

All right. What other questions have we got here? Do you go to the movies when you get your period?

No.

Nothing.

Do you lie a towel down?

No.

Lay a towel ... Oh, because you were leaking?

No, I don't have a bath like you.

You have more sex, or you feel sexier? Are you hornier?

I'm always horny.

You're always horny?

Yeah.

See, this is why we're get along so well.

So, I feel I'm always horny too.

Yeah. The three of us, I feel I've learned so much of Robby the last few days. We like the same book. Our favorite book is the same and we're horny all the time.

Robby is a Sagittarius.

Robby is a ... Oh, that makes so much sense.

And you?

No, Cancer. I'm like this one. That's why we get along. Yeah. It makes sense of your personality.

Really?

No, your personality, you're such a ... This has nothing to do with the fact that-

That's okay. Well, the fact that you're talking about your period not affecting you emotionally, and you're just going ... Last night you were, "I like to be consistent." And you're just always emotionally consistent I feel, most of the times. Is that true?

Right. I think that people think I'm heated in emotion often, and I'm very expressive-

Yes, but-

... And-

It's different.

... But it's ... I'm consistent in my crazy emotions.

Fair enough. It's better to be consistent in that than all of a sudden have a mood swing.

Yeah. Not like Cancers. We're just consistently inconsistent.

Right. Are you guys just going to snap on me.

Yeah, any moment. Oh yeah. I'll probably sob as you leave.

Are you guys [crosstalk 00:37:05]. I can-

When's the last time you cried?

No! I do cry. I do cry. I'm saying that I had that one year. But I don't cry all the time. I don't cry. I'm not just crying-

This is why you get so much stuff done.

... Something devastating needs to happen.

Yeah?

I need to cry over little things.

Oh, I cry over everything. Devastating or non devastating.

I think that's healthy. Sometimes I just, I'm thinking, "Oh, you should be crying, everybody's crying, so you shouldn't be doing ..." But I can't do it.

Oh, just do it for us just now.

I can't do it.

Let's end it.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

Well thank you for being here Robby.

Thank you. This has been, wow.

She has a Facebook page.

Right?

Right.

Do you have a Facebook page?

Yeah, I do, but Twitter.

Twitter. What's your Twitter handle?

IamRobbyHoffman. I am, R-O-B-B-Y-

Yes.

H-O-F-F-M-A-N.

There you go.

And YouTube. Check out the show Comedy and Biblical Proportions-

Check out the YouTube.

Yeah. It's youtube.com/robbyhoffman1.

Robbyhoffman1.

Yeah.

And if you have a website that they can go visit or just-

Yes. It's not updated. So, let's just hold it on that. Yeah, so ...

Okay. Well-

Great.

... We loved having you. Thank you so much, and-

Well, thank you.

Ovulator.

Ovulator.

Okay.

Ovulator. Great.

Go with the flow (singing)

Show Notes:

On this week's episode of The Crimson Wave hosts Jess Beaulieu and Natalie welcome the incredible comedian and writer Robby Hoffman. Robby discusses her amazing sister Chana, cake, cramps and much more.

For more on Robby Hoffman you can check her twitter out at

@IamRobbyHoffman

Her webseries produced with Just For Laughs:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmfYs6xXnpA

Remember to rate us, subscribe, tweet us and of course leave comments.

For more on The Crimson Wave go to:

Facebook.com/thecrimsonwave

@msjessbeaulieu @msnatnorman @TheCrimsonWave