The Podcast Diaries: The Crimson Wave E23

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The Transcript: 

Hello.

Hello.

Welcome to the Crimson Wave.

Welcome to the Crimson Wave.

That was fun.

That was our improv skills.

Yes, that's our improv skits? Is that what you said?

Skills.

Skills, Oh yes, that's it.  That's all I'm capable of. Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Crimson Wave. I'm Jess Beaulieu.

I'm Natalie Norman, and this week's guest is...

Rhiannon Archer.

I can actually say Rhiannon's name.

Okay. Well, I said it already.

I can't say most guest's names, but I can say Rhiannon Archer.

You can't even say my name. You can't say anyone's name. 

You can't say Portugal.

That's true, Natalie said Portugu, Go? Portugo.

Portugo.

Portugo earlier.

Is it Portugo in Spanish, I mean, in French?

Oh boy.

I'm not French. Ask Jess.

I don't know. I don't speak French at all.

I was like, "Your name is French." I'm going out on a limb here.

I speak French

Oh yes.

Now why you asking us?

Yes, we don't know.

This is why french is like this 20 first spoken language, its not popular because it sounds bad.

I think it sounds beautiful.

If you're from, yes. I'm like, "what started all this?"

Wait hold on, before we got into the thick of this.

Yes. So Rhiannon is a stand up comedian, she has opened for...

Maria Bamford.

Maria Bamford.

Multiple times.

Among many others

Did you open for someone last night?

No, I'm opening up for Steve Hofstetter.

Tonight?

Yes, I always screw his last name up.

Hofstetter tonight.

Hofstetter tonight, at the comedy barn.

Amazing, by the time they will listen...

He's so funny.

By the time they will listen to this, it will be...

It will be way gone.

It will be way gone.

Yes, it will be over.

But you know what, check him out, he's really funny.

Okay cool.

Also Rhiannon has been in jail, cell 42.

Amazing.

That was supper fun.

She was also recently in the Portland comedy festival.

Bridge Town.

Bridge Town.

Bridge Town.

I been in both, there's the all jay no dick festival, it's an all female one. Then I was in the Bridge Town comedy festival this past May.

And when she was there, they wrote a lovely article about six female comedians you don't know yet, but you should fucking know, on bitch magazine which is like the feminist... I was going to say glory hole, That's not...

Glory hole? No.

I think all feminist will be like, "what?".

No, its like the feminist Mekka of online websites.

Yes.

I was supper honored.

I saw it, it came up on my newsfeed, not from you, but from bitch magazine because I follow them and I was like, "oh my God, I know someone on the list", that makes me famous, right?

Yes.

That's amazing.

It was really. That was the most fun I have ever had in a festival. I did probably the most Canadian thing that I have ever done onstage, and I got called out on it, but it was like, everyone including myself, loved it. I made fun of this woman because she had this laugh that was like that, so it sounded like R2D2 and I said something a long the lines and then everybody laughed really hard, and then I went, "oh my God, I'm so sorry", and then when I apologized, everybody went like, "awww" and laughed even harder, it was so cute. I don't know why, I love that.

Yes, because we are so sweet, Canadians. If you don't know, we are recording in Canada.

This is Canada.

For all out fans.

What is going on today?

For all our fans in the Ukraine.

In the Ukraine?

I don't know if we have any.

You probably do.

We probably have some listeners in the Ukraine.

I have two in India, which I'm like, "yeah".

Oh nice.

If you keep on building it, you can go there next. She's going to be awake, you're going to London, England performing soon.

Yep.

Awesome.

Okay.

Moving on.

Can we get you Twitter handle before.

Its @rhiannonarcher.

Right.

Is it really Rih, I'm like, "no, I'm not Rihanna".

I always try to spell your name like Rihanna.

Yes that's wrong.

It isn't even Rihanna, its like Danial.

Its Robyn.

Robyn? Oh interesting.

You like how I know that guys?

Yes. So Rhiannon...

Wait I want to know before you say anything.

Okay what?

Any update on your periods?

On my periods?

I just want to say, I been really wet lately, meaning I'm getting ready for my periods soon.

Okay.

Is that what that means?

Been really wet, like you're from vaginal discharge?

She has a lot of vagual juices.

Vagual juices?

Or is it because that it's the summer and more friction?

Whoah.

Or is it because it's the summer and the men are wearing less clothing, and you're more excited?

That never turns me on.

Really? It turns me on.

I love men in clothing. I think its so sexy

The more dressed, the better.

Oh really?

Yes.

Well now I don't want topless men, but like...

When I see you, I want to rip off all of your clothing. That's hot.

I like, like T-shirts. T-shirts get me hot. What a weird thing.

The way you just said T-shirts was actually ridiculous, okay. Lets ask questions.

Lets ask questions. Sorry yes, I have a yeast infection, that's my biggest update right now, but its not really into periods right. And I don't even know how I get them though.

My dog gets yeast infections in his ear all the time.

In his ear?

Yes.

You can get them anywhere, all over your body.

You can get them in your armpits or whatever, it's like a moist.

Jesus Christ, that's terrifying. 

The Beef man.

Beefy.

Whoah get that ear away from me.

Rhiannon's dog is famous, Beefy.

I know, I should have known, he could have talked a lot about periods because they are his favorite thing.

Why? What do you mean?

So Beefy, 13 years old, has quite the pallet for menstruation blood.

Oh my God!

He loves it. He just, he will jump into your crotch when you come into the door, and he will just like sniff it out, and heaven forbid, you leave a wrapped up tampon or maxi pad in the garbage, you turn your back, that guy is having a feast like the rat in Charlottes web right. And then he's just like smorgasbord of just period. So many times I have come home, there are actually video of him on my boyfriends Instagram, of him coming home and finding shredded tampons throughout the house, he will put them on the couch, he will put them in the bed, he will sprawl them across the kitchen floor. Beef man loves it.

That's hilarious.

What do you think it is?

Blood.

Maybe its the scent. 

Is it the blood.

No because he has done it to some of my friends.

Oh my.

I had to clean up more of my friends menstruation, or even acquaintances, even friends girlfriends menstruation stuff at my house on numerous occasions.

Oh my God, that's crazy. So can you sense if a friend of yours comes over and they have their period, is he sniffing towards the crotch more.

Yes.

Than he usually would? Wow.

He's an intuitive gentleman.

He has got a nose for trouble right.

A nose for trouble.

He is disgusting.

That's hilarious.

He likes, oh God, I don't even care, this is going to be so gross now. He loves dirty underwear. Oh my God, he will lick the crotch out of it.

Oh my... bloody dirty underwear too?

Oh yeah. That's his favorite.

Oh my God.

Beef loves, I'm going to go with this. Beef loves all bodily fluids.

Nice. Pee as well?

No, not pee or dudu, but...

Dudu!

I mean, anything that comes from a private I think.

Wow, obviously semen.

He's been known to eat a few...

Condoms?

Contraception's.

Oh my God.

He is so disgusting.

That's so amazing.

And then you let him lick your face?

No never.

I think I let him lick my face.

That ear, that yeast infection ear is too close, that dog...

I think I let him lick my face.

Yes you did, I told you not to do that, you are like, "no I love it", I'm like, "all right".

Holy shit.

I could essentially have made a baby on Natalie's face with Beefy. And there are other ingredients there in Beef's mouth that he could have just put on Natalie's face.

Oh gosh.

Amazing. Well great.

Next!

I feel like this dog. If this dog was a man, he would be an ideal man.

No.

No, what?

That goes to a point, if a guy was like, "oh, I really would like to eat your menstruation", I would be like, "no".

Right, fair enough.

No.

A guy went down on me recently when I had my period, we talked about this last episode.

Yes, I think its important to mention it.

Which was crazy. And I wasn't like incou... I was like, "you really don't have to", and he is like, "no I want to", and I was like, "okay". And he knew, it was very light though.

I been talking to a lot of my male friends about this.

About this?

No, not about your situation, just the whole thing in general. The consensus is, its like you put a tampon in and there's no blood anywhere.

Exactly.

Because it's just clitoral stimulation.

Right.

So it's not like you're sticking your tongue in the vagina or your fingers at that point.

Right.

In the vagina. So they don't have a problem with it.

I did not have a tampon in. But it was near the very end, so there was no blood really.

See, I'm just like, "leave me alone".

Yes.

I'm more like, "No thank you".

Well yes.

Well my friend though. I do have a story of my friend, I'm not going to give you her name.

Did you smile right now?

No, because this is hilarious.

Okay yes.

My friend went out and she hooked up with a person from original Degrassi, so she was like...

Is that like the 1980's Degrassi.

Yes, he was considerably older, but she's like, "fuck, I'm single, I'm going to do thing, this is hilarious".

That's amazing, i would do it.

I'm not going to give the name of the person because she probably might listen to this and be like, "that bitch". But she took him home, and he went down on her, and she got her period, and then he came up and his face had blood on it, and they were like, "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God", and she was like, "oh is this like". She thought that maybe he ripped a facial piercing out but he didn't it was just her period.

Oh my God.

She was like, "I got to get a STD test".

Did he continue though?

No, they were done, they turned down the lights.

Right of course.

Oh my God, she got it as he was going down on her?

I think so, I think that was the story.

Crazy timing.

It happens though sometimes it just comes on so fast

You have been intimate with people and you're just like, "oh okay", and the next thing you're like, "oh no".

Oh no, blood everywhere.

Is that what you, "oh no".

So you not...

Basically, I'm not a very like a, "oh, this is so natural".

So natural!

I'm more like, "oh no".

Right, so you don't do the period sex, or you're not, or you will.

Well we have to ger, I think now we should start asking the questions because...

Because I have a specific weird thing.

Oh wow, interesting. So what's the deal with your period Rhiannon?

I get maybe three a year.

Three a year? Wow.

Yes.

That's crazy, why? Do you know why?

We don't know why.

Wow.

I'm actually a little nervous but now I'm just like, "oh you know what, I'm just going to talk about the stuff that's going on with me".

Yes.

Yes.

I was telling Natalie before that I have been, ever since my first period, hide the fact that you have a period.

Right.

I have always done that. But we don't know why I only have three periods a year. And they are very...

So has it always been like this?

Yes, roughly.

So you have your period three times a year?

Roughly.

Roughly.

Sometimes if it's a good year, we will do six.

So has it always been like this?

Roughly yes, its always been not consistent.

Interesting.

And for the first like, I think I got my period when I was 13. And then I...

All right.

I like, for the first. I'm going to go with. I can't do math. So 25 to, lets go to 28, do how many years is that?

15.

So first 15, I had cramps I could just be like, "oh this is nothing"

Right.

And when I hit 28. They had been like crippling.

Holy crap.

I will be walking down the mall, and because my period sucks, because I would go for a month and be fine, and then I will have three weeks of being bloated and sensitive and just feeling like garbage. I get a lot of depression when I get mine, I get really sad and it builds. Not like depression where I would have to go see somebody, but there are some days where I'm like, "I hate everything" and then it builds, and builds, and builds and then I will be like, "everyone hates me, bla bla", and then I will get my period and then be like, "oh just this". It will do that, then it will last for about three days and then I'm done.

And then you are done for how long? For another like.

Cycle?

Several...

Another month, and then three to three to two weeks of being like building, building and then finally get it. Because as lame as it is or is not lame but silly I always forget because they so far between, that I would forget what periods are like, so I will start getting depressed.

Yes, because it's out of mind.

And I will be like, "oh, my life is really taking a downward toll, and now everybody hates me and I'm not doing anything with my life, I'm pathetic, I'm getting really fat", and then I don't feel really good and then period, then I'm like, "oh yeah"

Right.

So is your period heavy when you get it?

No, I don't think so. Some people have been like, I have this one friend and she's like, "oh, I need a tampon and a pad", and I'm like, "whoah, what is this". No they haven't really been that, they are not that bad really.

Oh okay.

And I am right now, its impossible to see a gynecologist now, you have to wait. To have been waiting for about a year.

Holy shit.

And I get to see one next month. My very first

Your first one?

I go to get a physical and a pap smear from my doctor.

Yes, of course. It is so hard.

And they like, "there is nothing wrong, you don't have any weird cells, you don't have anything"

And they said its fine, because you are at least getting it three to six times a year?

They are like, "that's weird" they constantly ask like, "have you been losing weight, are you stressed?", and I'm like, "No not that I haven't really been". And so because I'm 30 now and I'm entertaining the possibility of having children, not with in the next like minimum three years, after three years. So it is just kind of like a little worried to make sure that I can, because they thought I have polycystic ovaries.

Right, we haven't spoken about that.

But...

Interesting, what are polycystic ovaries?

Polycystic ovaries are when, your ovaries are like, they are weird. They not weird. They have cyst on them.

From my understanding. Cyst, but they benign cyst. But it does make it more difficult to have children.

Because what it does, it just throws eggs down that are too small, so the eggs don't properly. I think this is it, don't quote me, but the eggs are too small so they not catching on to the...

Uterine lining?

Uterine lining.

Okay.

So you are just throwing them down, and then you will just get periods every now and again. If you have it, it deals with, some of the symptoms are like weight gain, because I have really weird hormones, like one day I will just be really mean and one day I will just be like normal. And I will have to really hold it in, I don't come out, but sometimes I'm just like pissed off at everybody. And I try to keep it in but sometimes I'm just like, "why am I feeling this? There's no reason for me to be mad", I don't understand, its this weird thing, and its like, you know, hair on your face, infertility stuff like that.

Its funny because I have spoken to people about this, because I thought I had PCOS, that's the short term for it, because of the hormonal hair growth on my face and another sign is, can be heavy periods but also irregular periods so I thought I had it, and I spoke to one of my friends who also thought she had it, and she said that they are diagnosing women with it a lot more than they actually have it, because its easier just to do a blanket thing than actually see what the issue is with each person, because everyone is different.

And I'm the queen of misdiagnosis, so...

Yes.

Oh wow.

They are just trying to figure it out, we are slowing getting to it. Right now, they think I might have hemophilia c, which is a strand of hemophilia that actually affects women. My blood doesn't clot, so they thinking that my menstrual cycle might have something to do with that. As well as like swollen extremities, because they thought I had lupus and then they told me that I have all these other things.

Wow.

So I'm finding that out on Monday.

This is exciting.

I'm excited, I fainted so many times in the blood clinic there because they keep taking so much out.

I hate when they do the blood clinic stuff.

No, but I have taken so much, and I remember the last time I was there, I went to the lady and like I'm sitting and I'm like, "I don't feel good", and she goes, "you're fine", and I'm like, "oh really?", and then bang and I fell right off the chair.

Holy shit.

 And then I woke up 45 minutes later, and they were like, "maybe she was just tired". You faint and you're like up after 10 minutes, I was just out. And then they offered me a cookie, they were like, "here eat this", I'm like, "no, I'm trying to watch my weight, they are like, "not the time". Give me some juice.

Wow. Crazy.

But yes, so I get to see a gynecologist just to make sure, just to double check, because if I can't have kids, that's not the end of the world but I'm entertaining the idea.

Yes of course.

If you want to know, you want to know either way. I think.

Yes.

Like even, it's a way to see if your body is healthy or what not.

Well maybe that's just how your body works. Because that's how my body has always worked. But it is quite irritating and you are constantly thinking you are pregnant.

Yes, holy shit, well every month you must...

How many pregnancy tests have you taken?

Oh man, I took one a month ago. And I went to a...

Oh you did, you told me this.

I went to an audition, and then I bought one and then it was like, "okay, oh no I'm fine". I'm always just making sure, but I'm like...

How would you know? Like right, I mean unless you're...

Because sometimes its hard, I don't even keep track of what day it is, let alone when I had my period last.

Yes, and I mean if your period is that irregular then you could...

Then you don't sit there...

How the hell do you know if you're pregnant or if its just being irregular again, like its... that's crazy.

Its just really obnoxious.

It is.

And as of lately. Like I remember my one friend when she ever got it she would be like, "oh my tummy", and she be like, "I need to go take a bath or I need to some hot compress", and I'm like, "tough it up man, this is easy". And now I will be walking down the mall and I will get my period in an instant and just collapse. 

Holy crap.

I have done that so many times in the Burlington Mall, like I will be walking...

The Burlington Mall of all the Malls.

I be like, "I'm going to go check out forever 21", and all of the sudden its like, I guess the period just hits and then I'm just on the floor like, "I got to go home".

So wait, I have some questions. So it seems like you're getting PMS for three weeks?

Yes.

What do you do to... you don't know what's happening, but do you ever get an idea that it is your PMS?

Yes I know what happens.

So what do you feel? Do you do anything to remedy the situation?

No. There's nothing I can do.

Yes.

Right.

Like I just feel like crap, my breast, if anyone even brushes next to them, I will karate chop them in the face.

Because they so sensitive.

They are so, but it's just like...

Do they get bigger too? Or is that...

Oh my God yes, and then I'm always. If you see me, I'm just constantly fixing my bra. Constantly grabbing my breast, throwing it back into the bra, constantly. Next time you notice, you be like, "oh, poor girl".

Your breast is falling out.

I wonder if its like, "I need to do it right now", but I'm just like, "fuck, they just always like allover the place". I couldn't tell you, I'm always doing this, always.

Adjusting.

Because I have 10 thousand bra's, because depending on the week I will fit into that one at that time, or I won't.

They grow that much bigger?

Yes.

Wow.

Eight cup sizes bigger.

How much bigger do your breast grow?

Honestly, at this point in my life, I can not tell you because my bras don't fit properly in general, so I can't. They get enough that I can tell, like I can feel.

Why because your breasts are too big?

They are too big right now for my bra.

Okay, why? Why have they gotten bigger?

Because I have gained weight.

Oh sorry. I didn't know, and you are getting your period soon then too right?

I feel like, well yes. So I will notice. Personally, I get way hornier, do you get hornier?

No.

No? Okay.

I don't know if...

And I don't care for chocolate. I know that's like, "oh chocolate". I'm just like, "no". I like watermelon, watermelon soothes my stomach.

Really?

Its an anti-oxidant.

I eat a lot of that, and I lay on the floor a lot.

Like a cold floor? 

I lay on my tummy, yes.

Yes, like a tile floor.

So you kind of like, "yeah, oh okay".

Or I get, oh man, you can always tell that I'm getting my period soon, because I get zits.

Right.  

Yes, so right.

Cheekies. Cheek zits.

Cheekies? So like.

Look at all these cheekies that are growing.

So I noticed, I know they get a little rounder, like fuller almost, which is very hard because they are already very full, but they get fuller and they get super sensitive.

Right.

But its not necessarily like, sometimes I touch it and be like, "ooh this feels nice".

I'm like, "go away", I'm like, "Get away, like anyone", Beefy jumps up, I'm like, "get out of here".

Right.

So what does Graham. Sorry, can I say your boyfriends name?

Yes, I don't care.

Graham, her lovely boyfriend, lovely human being. Does he, now that you live together, is he noticing any differences? Like does he notice it's coming? Like is he like a, he's more on top of it?

No, because I'm pretty sure I don't take it out on him.

Okay.

Right.

He's really good at being a very good mental rock. So he will remind me that, because when I'm being like, "oh I'm feeling really bad", and he's like, "okay, are you getting your period?", he will like tip toe around it because he doesn't want me to freak out.

Yes.

I'm more or less freaked out when I'm not having my period. When I'm just being like... it was so funny, I went to my doctor, because I was like, "this hormone thing is like out of control". And so when we were first trying to figure out what it was, we were going through all of the things, and my doctor turns to me because I was like you know, I'm feeling like I'm being really bitchy especially to my boyfriend sometimes and I don't understand why. So we are going through all this things and then she just kind of like defeated, turns to me and goes and goes, "maybe you just a bitch", and I was like, "what?". My doctor is one of the best doctors I have ever had.

That's hilarious though.

She just turns to me she's like, "you know, you could just be a bitch", she's like, "that could be thing"

I diagnose you a bitch.

That's amazing.

My doctor is amazing, I'm very into not taking medication. I don't take birth control either.

So what do you use for birth control then? What do you use for contraception?

Do you use pull out?

No, yes.

Oh that's great.

A lot of people use pull out.

No but I will use condoms and stuff like that.

There you go, yes.

But him and I have been like tested, we not seeing other people that I'm aware of. But...

There's no way, he is very much in love with you, from what I see.

I'm very much in love with him. I tricked her into thinking I was going to propose to him at the story telling show.

So she did a show, and she was like...

She was so excited.

I got excited, because they are very much in love, so there is no way you are cheating.

Yes.

So you got tested for STD's?

Yes. I do that all the time, especially with all the blood work that I do yearly.

Right, yes.

So you use the good old pull out method?

Yes.

And condoms.

And condoms. We have had a lot of people on here who use the pull out method. Did you ever use the pill?

Once when I was 16, and it made me crazy. And I was like, "i don't ever want to do this again". I just don't want to use it.

Did they put it on you?

No.

Did they put you on the pill for sexual activity?

Nope.

No, okay.

No, God no I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18, which I know is not supper late.

No, its not late.

No, but like...

I lost it at 21, so yeah.

Its just that, all my friends lost it at 14.

Absolutely. 

14, 15, and I was like, "oh my God"

I understand.

Towards the end of it, I would had just begged my boyfriend at the time like, "I don't want to be the only one, can we just do this?", and he was like, "okay".

Your boyfriend was holding out?

We were both virgins.

That's so cute.

That's so sweet.

And we waited until we were very much in love.

Lovely.

That's really nice.

And we did it on ester weekend.

Oh my God.

Too much information.

No, that's great, never too much information.

Never, so let's go back to this. You got your period when you were 13, do you remember your first period?

Do I remember my first what?

Period.

Oh God yes, I remember exactly. I was sitting watching the Rosie O'Donnell show.

Oh my God, classic.

It was the summer, I was very much a tomboy, so my mom kept trying to like sit me down and talk to me about the changes, because she saw that I was getting boobs, and I was like, "I don't want to hear about this, okay, I want to watch Rosie O'Donnell then go out and play baseball with the boys, leave me alone, this is not going to happen to me". She used to play the beginning of look who's talking to demonstrate what happens.

Oh my God, I remember that so distinctly.

I remember that video so...

The sperm flying through like...

And the egg falling down. And she kept trying to sit me down, listening to this, I was like, "mom, I don't care about this movie, I don't want to watch this movie with you right now", she was like, "No, you have to listen to it", and I'm like, "I'm going outside to play, when I come back, I want to have dinner". I was a very misogynistic young girl. So I was watching Rosie O'Donnell and I had to go pee, I think I only had stomach pains, so I was like, "uh, oh, got to go", and so I went, and I remember I pulled my pants down and I just looked at it and I went, "fuck". I just sat there for an hour, just...

An hour looking at it?

Just like pulled my pants down, sat on the toilet, noticed it, and just stared. Just stared for an hour. And then I was like, "no".

Its shocking when you first see it.

I wasn't even shocked, just subconsciously I heard my mom when she was trying to talk to me, and I didn't want to accept because I was very much a tomboy when I was a little kid, and I didn't want anything to let my guy friends not want to hangout with me because I tried really hard at being good at sports, I cut my hair short, I wore my brothers clothes. So I liked hanging out with the boys rather than the girls so I was very scared to reveal anything.

I feel like right now, you seem like the character...

Christina Ricci.

Yes.

I used to tape down my breasts.

Wow.

I would wear sports bras and a couple of T-shirts underneath them to hide them at all costs. One time Amanda Thorack lifted up my shirt in front of everybody, she went like that, and I was like, "now they know".

About your breasts

So I saw it, I stared for an hour, then I phoned my mom, just defeated, and I was like, "mom", and she was like, "what happened?", and I'm like, "that thing", she's like, "what thing", and I'm like, "that thing you told me about, all that time I wasn't listening", and she was like, "oh your period", I'm like, "shhh, don't tell anybody at work".

Don't tell anybody at work, as if she was going to.

Then I just schooled her, I was like, "don't tell anyone, ever, no one, at no time". And I remember the next year my grandmother was dying, and she told my grandmother, and my grandmother turns to me and goes, "oh I hear you have entered into woman hood", and I just put... I remember I was in my room, and I just put my book down, I was like, "excuse me". I went, "can I talk to you?", to my mom, and I took her outside to the back, and I was like, "you told her, I told you not to tell anybody", and she was like, "She's dying", and I'm like, "I understand that, but she didn't need to know that". 

And I was so mad, and it wasn't until after a couple of years that I would hide it at all costs, not because I was embarrassed and not because I was.. I think it was because I was embarrassed because you know when you growing up a lot of guys are like, "oh you being a bitch, you on your period?"

Yes, you were scared of that.

I was always scared of that, and to the point I didn't want anybody to know that I was just gross down there, so I would sneak away. I'll tell you about the one time, I went and stayed at... My dad was working at Aidoa he was staying on an army base and I got my period while I was there, so there was all this french guys fixing the windows outside, so I stuck out the back window.

What?

I didn't have anything. And I couldn't keep wrapping toilet paper up and making make shift pads.

My favorite kind of pad.

So I snuck through the back window. I think I was 17 or something, no younger, maybe like 16. And I was trying to find a shop to buy pads, I finally found them after two hours of walking, came back, and hit everything. Took all the pads, hid them in my backpack until I went home because I couldn't be like, "dad, can you take me to", if my dad found out he would be like, "oh my God, I'm going to die". I don't know why, its so stupid. I just sit and think of the extreme things I did to hide it, even as an adult.

Did you ever leak anywhere? Is that why? Maybe you had a traumatic.

No, never. I have never had that.

Really?

Never ever? Wow.

It will come off on my underwear sometimes.

Of course yes.

I have never bled where you would have it trickling down.

Oh I have.

I have too yes.

Really?

Frequently, still.

I have never had that in my life.

I will wake up in the middle of the night.

That's the worst.

Because I wear tampons in the middle of the night, I know I'm not supposed to.

Are you?

You're not supposed to because you should be wearing a pad or something. But I will put a tampon in and I will go to the bathroom, you not supposed to.

Toxic shock.

Yes.

You not supposed to have them in for over 8 hours.

I will go to the bathroom and I will put in a new tampon and it will be really heavy, and I will wake up and it will be everywhere on me. Just everywhere.

Really?

Yes. That happens not so often.

I really think my body is screwed up because I don't have any type of blood like that.

No that's fine

You have a light flow.

Every time. Lady like.

But you have this excruciating cramps.

I have been woken up in the middle of the night, and just be like, I am up for an hour, I am crippled over. Some days I can't get up, I can't go to work, and I'm just shaking. I feel like I want to throw up. And its like I need to get home, I have to go into the shower.

You know you get a lighter flow, but you get the heavier symptoms.

But that only started at 28.

Right

Because now I think my uterus is like, "we're done".

Maybe its saying it wants a baby.

I don't want a baby right now.

Okay.

What's this tampon story though, you ever have a toxic shock, something.

Its again, not of me, but I do have a funny thing of where I didn't wear tampons until I was 23, 24 years old. Here is the story, I'm sitting with my best friend, Lauren, and she goes, "oh my God, I have my period, can you give me a tampon", I'm like, "sure yes, I never use these", she's like, "oh you're a pad girl, I'm like, "well, yes". I'm looking at her like, "yes, you idiot, why would I waste my time on these things?"

As if its so crazy to wear a pad.

I don't know, most people are like, "I only use tampons", I'm like, "that's cool, I only use pads", and I'm wasting. So she goes to the bathroom, she comes back out and then she goes, "oh great now I have to pee", then I go to her, "why did you waste that tampon", and she's like, "what?"

Oh my God.

And she's like, "what?", and I'm like, "why did you waste that tampon". And she literally took a step back and was looking at me like, "oh my God, you know its a different hole right", and I was like, "what?"

Oh my God.

So I never used tampons because every time I had to pee I changed it...

Holy shit, you did that for so long.

Girl because I went to Catholic school.

Hilarious, that's hilarious.

My next question was going to be like, "did you go to Catholic school?"

The only thing I knew about the body, was that we played puberty bingo in grade six.

What's puberty bingo?

Under the G. Toxic shock. Under the B, breasts. Under I, period. Its like hair growth. It was stupid. And I was like, "can you explain any of these?", they are like, "no, under the O, body sweat"

Oh my God.

I was like, "what?"

So when did you discover that they weren't the same hole? Is that when you?

When Lauren told me, and then she made me go put in a tampon and then pee, and then I did and my mind was blown.

Holy shit, that is so funny.

I think a lot of people don't know.

A lot of people don't know, its just funny that you were in your min 20's.

Have we all watched orange is the new black?

Yes.

Not the second season, I only watched one episode. I only watched the first episode of the second season.

The second season is okay, its not as bad.

I'm going to tell you this, it doesn't ruin anything, there is an episode where they talk. One of the inmates teach the other girls all the parts of the vagina because they just don't know. So they go over where the clitoritis is, they go over where the vagina is, they go over to the labia lips, they go where the urethra.

Which I couldn't even label for you, really. But I know the urethra.

Something I learnt recently, is female wetness and cum, comes from inside the vagina.

You thought it came from the urethra?

As suppose to what?

I always thought like sometimes, "why am I so dry" but then I was like, "oh, it comes from the vagina" that's why, I seem like an idiot now.

No, no. We are all ignorant I mean about somethings.

I'm not ignorant.

Okay you're not ignorant.

I'm not ignorant, just not educated.

I think what was happening is. I just been exploring my own vagina a lot lately.

Understandable.

Looking for my g-spot.

Oh you see, I'm just like, "it's you again, get out of here"

Well I'm reading a book right now, called woman biography. It's about the female body, so.

Listen, I knew you ejaculated, but I didn't know exactly where in my vagina it was.

Sure, yes of course.

But do you know where it is? Can you point it out in the vagina?

Where it comes from?

Yes

The vagina.

The discharge, you talking about?

Yes, there's a specific spot in the vagina. It's not coming out of your uterus.

So explain, tell us all where.

So you got the vagina hole, and then the top wall, there is a membrane there, and its like a ripply membrane, and if you go further back that's like a softy pocket, and its coming from up above where the membrane is.

So its just showering down?

Yes, its not coming from just the center of the vagina, its not just pouring out, that's not what's happening.

That's why, if you have sex when you have a baby, the baby isn't just going to be covered in cum. Oh no it would. I don't know how baby works either. Ii just started baby sitting, and that's weird. Like real baby sitting where they ask me questions and I'm like, "I don't know, lets find out".

But that's what I'm saying, you just assume it's coming right out of that vagina hole. It's not, there's a little place that gets turned on, and then it starts coming out.

So its behind the clitoris?

No, well yes, if you go inwards, its behind the clitoris, yes.

Okay so listen, I know.

The in part of the clitoris, the inside part.

If you put your hand in the vagina, and hit where your clitoris will be.

How are you putting your whole hand in your vagina? You like volley balling your vagina.

Anyways, I will find a diagram and show all of you.

Show yes. Thank you.

Instead of a photo, just put up a diagram, you guys can be both the ovaries, and I will be this place you are talking about, just circle it.

Female ejaculation, yes. I read about why we ejaculate but I don't think...

And what was the why?

To clean out?

Yes right. It cleans out.

Yes it is, it is cleaning out. But also just a female orgasm in general. Just like the muscles spazzing and things like that and the tension building up.

We been learning a lot about vagina's lately.

Well we are coming near the end of our program.

An educational program.

Do we have anymore questions? I feel like, do you have any more stories that you would like to share?

I don't believe toxic shock is a real thing.

Okay.

Wow.

You don't think it's a real thing, why?

It's going to come back at me, like who said the holocaust never happened. I don't know, this terrifies me and I don't understand, and I have heard so many stories of this happening, this happened to a girl I knew. She had her period she put a tampon in, she started getting sexy with her boyfriend, forgot she had a tampon in, had sex and couldn't understand why it hurt, then later goes and have a shower, she's like, "oh yeah, my period", she puts another tampon in.

Oh my God.

Forgets about that second tampon and leaves it in for a week.

That's a funny thing, because I have heard a lot of this, one of our previous guest told us a story like that too, Jan Lewes, and we think it's because tampons have changed over the years, and that's why toxic shock doesn't happen as often.

But the only thing is, that's the thing, I always get paranoid so I always change them like every four hours.

So you really do diligence.

But even though I'm really like, "is this a real thing?". So anyways, she was explaining to me like how she had a really sharp pain in her side and she couldn't understand why, and then the smell was horrific.

It's the smell that usually gets people noticing that there's something wrong.

This story has to do with the vagina and how easy it is to get things. I don't care now because now I'm an adult and I'm not that, well I was an adult when this happened. I got a hilarious condom stuck in me, like really badly, and to the fact that I just couldn't get it out, like I could not get it out.

Did you ask the guy to put his hand up there?

Yes. I did, and I jumped up and down I kept going to the bathroom and trying to be like, "this is how you push a baby out, lets see", I'm just like trying to push it out, and nothing. I didn't have time to go to the walking clinic because I had to take two comics with me to London right after work. So I ended up finding one walking clinic on our way to London, and popped in there and I had to make some bullshit lie about having to get my lung checked, because I just had swine flu and my lung had collapsed. So the whole time I have my feet in stools while these two comedians are sitting out in the waiting room.

Oh my God.

And she just pulls it out, and she's just like, "there you go have fun, look out next time". I have never felt more like, "you are such a dirty person".

Oh my God.

That was so horrible, because I'm just like, "oh guys I'm just going to get my lungs checked". And I lied to the receptionist, I was like, "yeah my lung is really hurting I just need to go in there, "she's like okay. Then I shut the door, and I'm like, "doctor, there's a condom stuck in me, we can't tell the people outside, it's going to be so God damn awkward", I felt so horrible.

Oh my God.

But at least you got the condom out. And now you don't have a baby.

No, those two comics are non the wiser.

Well maybe they will listen to this episode?

I hope so.

Maybe they will, I'm not going to tell you who it was, I will tell you after we shut down the camera's.

I can shut down the recording.

When you find out who it was, oh my God, you will love it.

The listeners want to know so badly now, probably.

Tweet it then ask Rhiannon who you think it is.

If you listen to this podcast you can come up to me and ask who it was, and I will for sure tell you, but otherwise.

In person.

You got to come to a show, check it out Rhiannon Archer.com come to a show and ask me.

There you go. Follow her on twitter @rhiannonarcher. How else, is there any other way, do you have...

You can email me any questions.

There's a Facebook page too.

There's a Facebook page, I'm all over there. I'm on Instagram, check out Beefy and his period eating ways.

I love your Instagram, so much Beefy. Well you can follow the crimson wave on twitter @thecrimsonwave, like us on Facebook.

@facebook.com/thecrimsonwave.

You can follow me @missjessbeaulieu.

And you can follow me @stalkingnatalie.

And please subscribe, rate us. Tell your friends.

And your parents.

Parents, specifically, please. I think that's it.

Ovulater.

Ovulater.

Go with the flow.

Show Notes:

On this week's episode of The Crimson Wave, your hosts Jess Beaulieu and Natalie Norman welcome to the podcast the incredible comedian Rhiannon Archer. We talk about #menstruation #cramps #Beefy #Dogs #Pads #Tampons #Condoms #PullingOut and more!

To learn more about Rhiannon follow her on twitter:

@RhiannonArcher

Or go to her website:

rhiannonarcher.com

For more on The Crimson Wave follow us on twitter:

@TheCrimsonWave

and/or Jess @msjessbeaulieu and Natalie @stalkingnatalie