The Podcast Diaries: The Crimson Wave E21

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The Transcript: 

Hello. 

Hey.

Welcome to The Crimson Wave. I'm Jess Beaulieu. That's the correct pronunciation of my last name. Beaulieu, Beaulieu. 

I'm Natalie Norman, and I just said Jess' name incorrectly. I'm in trouble. 

People get in trouble when they do that. We have a great guest on, with an easy to say name here. She's an idol of ours, I feel.

So amazing. Let's start with her credits, and then we'll introduce her name. 

No, why don't we say who she is? Her name is Sara Hennessey. Yay, Sara Hennessey.

Sara Hennessey won the Canadian Comedy Female Comedian Standup Award.

Wow. That was the most difficult way to say that.

Will you say it properly?

She won a Canadian Comedy Award for Best Female Standup. She is part of the legendary comedian troupe, I want to say, Laugh Sabbath. Are you like a troupe? Is that what you would call yourself?

Collective.

We call ourselves a collective, which people do not like. 

Why?

They're like, "So you guys are like a sketch troupe?" And we're like, "We're a collective." And they're like, "Fuck you." It just sounds really pretentious.

Wow, really? I love collective. 

And wait, hold on. Big announcement. Well, she's announced it already, but she'll be in JFL Montreal this July-

Just for Laughs.

Doing a taping. It's amazing. And she will be in JFL42 doing a show with-

Graham Kay, I think.

Graham Kay. With Graham Kay.

I don't know how it's going to work, but I guess we're starting a band. They announced it, and then our picture was right beside each other in the same column, so we're like, "I guess we're doing a show together." But it's really funny because I think he's a great guy. But the pictures they chose of us literally looks like it's from a sitcom. It looks like we've been together for a long time, and we've only ever done two shows together, so it's really silly.

It's going to be amazing.

Yeah, your styles are so different, too. That's what I love about it.

Yeah, he's so straight-laced.

So straight, and you're like whoa.

I think that's why they paired us off, and then they paired off Christina Walkinshaw and Matt O'Brien because I think they literally had to have a conversation about that because me and Matt O'Brien are both really hyper and silly, so if they put us together people would leave the show just being really tired. They're like, "What happened?" It's like we're making everybody Jazzercise for two hours.

That's so funny. So funny.

It's exciting.

We're so excited for you, Sara.

Yay, thank you. I'm really pumped, as well. Don't touch the table.

Oh, no, that's okay. 

It's me who can't touch it.

You can't touch the table.

You're always just pounding the table.

I am, it's terrible.

We record in kitchen everyone, so-

And today is Pride. 

Today is Pride. Well, this weekend. This week is Pride Week.

This week, World Pride in Toronto, and I got my period two days ago.

Are you serious? That's perfect for this podcast.

Are you serious?

I'm a little nervous because me and Jess are performing naked tonight.

Yes.

Oh my god, that's fucking tonight?

Yes. 

Yeah, we're performing naked tonight, everybody.

You guys. Okay, so these girls are going to a nudist colony?

Retreat.

I guess the word colony just sounds like an infestation of ants, so I guess they say retreat. So they're going to a nudist retreat, and you're going to be naked performing standup comedy.

Yeah.

And, I have my period.

Oh my God, so you're just going to have the little tampon string sticking out? Or are you on the Diva Cup? What's happening with you?

I'm on the tampon. I'm on the tampon.

You're on the tampon.

I'm on the cotton pony.

That's right. You're riding the cotton pony.

Riding the cotton pony, and I told Leann Mulan who's hosting the show, and I told her and she goes, "Just tuck it in there. Just tuck it in."

Put the string up your butt crack.

Yeah. It's going to be interesting. 

I think that you should let the string hang out and just be like, "You all love human bodies, right? Deal with this."

Yeah. We'll see what happens.

There's children there too, hey?

Yes.

I got to say, I don't know whether they'll be at the show, but I got to tell you this. I just found out that my friend who I make a lot of my comedy videos with, he's a very not a straight and narrow... he's not hyper like me, and he does all the editing and everything. He's unassuming, and then I found out that his entire family are nudists, and he grew up being a nudist. And I was like so... and then he's like, "Yeah, it's kind of weird, but my whole family, even my grandma." Everybody. So I'm like, "So when you were a teenager being a badass, did you rebel by wearing swimming trunks?" He's like, "Yes." That was it. But that was all their vacations. They would go to nudist retreats and just be naked.

That's crazy.

And so it's really funny.

Hanging with your family, just naked?

Well, I hang out with my mother naked all the time.

Do you? Yeah, I know you do.

You do?

That's very strange.

Yeah, I live at home, and for instance, this is a true story, I went to the bathroom one morning and I went to the bathroom naked. I just ran in there and I was like-

I can't put on clothes.

I was like, "I have to go." And my mum comes in naked and starts brushing her teeth.

So you're on the toilet and she's brushing her teeth, and you're like, "What a nice family I have."

I was like I'm sorry, because then I started pooing. It was a disaster.

Oh my gosh. You guys are so open. I remember one time I was in the bathtub and I had my head under the water because I was just having a real deep relaxation moment, and then my mom I guess meanwhile was knocking on the door being like, "Sara? Sara? Are you okay in there? Sara?" But I wasn't answering, so then she was like, "Sara?" And then she fucking burst in the door, but I didn't realize this was happening. I was like, "Ah," and she's like, "Oh my God." I'm like, "Get out," and it was this whole thing. So we are not like you guys. We're the opposites.

So when you got your period, let's talk about the period. When did you get your period, Sara?

Well, which one was it, because I got to say-

Which one was it?

 I got to say, I lied about it about 40 times.

No you didn't.

Oh, I faked it. I faked it. I'm like, well my bodies changing and I can't go to swim lessons today. I used it as an excuse to get out of swimming lessons a lot, especially if my mom was at work, and then my dad would be like, "I guess I'll drive you to swimming lessons." I'm like, "Dad, this is very awkward because you're a man and I'm your daughter, but I can't go, and it's something very personal." Then he'd have to guess what it was, and he's like, "I think you can still go swimming." You know what I mean? And I'd be like, "I can't, okay?" I was the most dramatic kid ever. 

So I don't even remember when I actually got it, but I remember that I lied about it a lot, and I think I even tried to get food coloring and stained underwear to prove it to my mom. Being like, "Look." And then she's like, "That's like, bright red. It's not what it looks like," but she didn't say that. She was like okay. I can't remember. You guys probably remember your first time? Oh shit, you know what? I do remember my first time. I was in grade six, and I was like, "Oh my God, I got my period."

Then I put on a red T-shirt and went to my friend Deanna's house, and I'm like, "There's something a little different about me today." I remember wearing a red T-shirt in honor of the period, and then she had already had hers for a long time, so she didn't give a fuck. But I remember how weird it felt to be in the bathroom and be bleeding blood, like this is weird. And then people are like, "You know it's from the pool of the moon." 

The pool of the moon?

People were talking about that, like I'm the fucking moon, and tides. They're like, "You know how moon controls tides?" I'm like yeah. Secretly, I had no idea. Then they're like, "That's what it is." If that's true though, why don't we have united cycles?

Yeah. I'm confused by that as well. Some people are synced up with the moon. Some women are synced up with the moons.

Yeah, some people have told us.

They've told us that.

They are?

They're like, "I know when it's a full moon, I'm getting my period."

That is so bad ass. That's the most bad ass-

They go out and howl at the moon.

So what did your mom say? Sorry. What did she say when you got your actual period?

I don't know, not much. She probably just put supplies in the cupboard. And I also had two older brothers, so you got to know that this wasn't a celebratory occasion. This was like how am I going to hide this from these assholes?

Right, because you have a weird relationship with your brothers, right?

Yeah, to the max.

I remember you telling a joke about this once. You used to think one of them was really cool, and then not anymore.

I used to idolize him and think he was so cool. If he wasn't home, I'd go and steal his clothes and wear them, and listen to his CDs and go through all of his stuff. You know what I mean? I was just like oh, I wish I could be just like him. Then as I grew up and I realized I found him way too annoying, and then I was just like wait a minute. I don't know how I feel about you anymore. Oh, no, this is what happened. He started making out with all my friends and dating my friends, and at first I tried to play it cool, but then I was like whoa, this is crazy, but I can handle it. 

Then after the third friend, I'm like, "I can't handle this anymore. Stop kissing my friends." Then all my friends, they're so used to guys not paying attention to them and just wanting love so bad, so then when my brother looks at them with hearts in his eyes like a cartoon, they're like, "He's the one." I'm like, "My brother's not the fucking one." Then it got to the point where I'm like, "Hey, guys. My brother's going to be at my party tonight. Please don't fall in love with him. He looks at everybody that way. Don't think you're special. He's not the one." I'd have to have a disclaimer for when before people met my brother. 

But anyway, when I got my first fucking bra, I hid that. It was like a Sears situation, and I put it in the drawer in the back and it was still in the bag, and I'd close the drawer slowly, and I just closed my eyes and took a deep breath and then walked down to watch French Prince. I was just like, "I can't believe my body's changing." Then as I watched Fresh Prince, my brothers friends were over, and then I just hear Paul walking down the stairs, and then he was like, "Hi, everybody. I think I'm Sara, and I have boobs but I don't." And he's wearing the bra over top of his T-shirt, and I was like, "Fuck you. Fuck you. I hate you."

Wow. What's the age difference?

He's three years older than me.

So did he ever do that with a tampon or anything, or a pad?

Oh, yeah. Basically, he put a tampon up his butt hole just to really show me that I was a loser. No, where was I? I was on the phone with a boy. It was the first time. He was calling me about, quote unquote, homework, and it was very exciting. My hearts beating, my dad's like, "Sara, Chico's on the phone." That was his fucking nickname.

Chico? His name was Chico?

I'm like, "Oh, hi. Yeah." I'm talking to him like, "Yeah, the teacher totally sucks. They don't know us like we know each other." I don't know, we're talking about, "Yeah, I don't know. Recess is pretty cool." I don't know what the fuck kids talk about. But out of nowhere, I can hear my brother listening in on the phone call and breathing, and I'm like, "Paul. Hang up the phone. Hang up the phone." And he's like, "Maxi Pad Sara, maxi Pad Sara, maxi Pad Sara." He hangs up, and then there's a silence, and I'm like, "I'll see you at school tomorrow." Then the secret was out. I was Maxi Pad Sara because he found pads under the thing, in the cabinet, and then he was just like... they just couldn't handle it. It was just too much for them.

Oh my God, that's hilarious.

You were tormented by them.

Yeah, man. And I have horrible posture because we'd have family dinner and I'd be rolling my shoulders forward so nobody would look at my stupid little tits. You know what I mean? I didn't want anybody to know. It was so stupid. 

Wow. So who talked to you about it, no one? Your mom didn't either?

Health class-

What did they say?

And friends. Okay, my friend Lisa, we would hang out in her basement all the time and her parents had all these pamphlets and books about anatomy and stuff like that, and we just went crazy looking at them. We would just stay downstairs and lay on our stomachs and just stare at all these different pages and be like, "Look at the genitalia." You know what I mean?

What did you think of it?

We were super jazzed, man. We wanted to grow up. We were so excited. We were excited about falling in love and touching private parts. Then we'd all practice kissing and stuff. 

With each other? With each other?

Yeah, man. I think everybody did that, though.

Yeah, to an extent. To an extent. Did you ever kiss people?

I had very little friends when I was younger.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I had like, one friend.

I didn't know that. Oh, wow. 

I would've been your friend, man. I would've been your friend.

My friend Krista, shout out to Krista. She's listening.

She's at home being like, "Woo. Woo." 

She said my name, finally. I've been waiting 20 episodes for her to say my name. Okay, Krista-

First off, shout out to Krista.

And Hannah, actually. Hannah as well.

What? All right, you only get one shout out. 

She's said like, six names.

Start policing this, like everybody you know. Shout out to Jamie. 

Sorry. But I distinctly remember one time we were all having a party, and they were both like, "We're going to make out just to show you we can." And the two of them were just like-

Hold on. Hannah and Krista?

Hannah and Krista were just making out a bunch.

Just in front of everybody?

In front of everybody. And they're not lesbians. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. Who knows? But they were just making... because we were like, 14 and just-

You know what we would do? We'd put on that Seal song Kiss From a Rose on a Grave. Kiss By a Rose? Does the rose kiss the guy?

The one from the Batman movie.

Yeah, man. So we put on that song on repeat, just turn on a blue light.

A blue light?

Yeah. We were really big mood setters, and then we would take turns going into the closet with each other and smooching. Then my friend Leah, she had really big lips, and her lips were so chapped, and I was like, "I can't do this, Leah. Your fucking lips are too chapped." And then she was like, "Come on, man," and I was like, "No." And I remember she was like, "I can't help it. My lips always get chapped." And then we'd just be talking about that in there. They'd be like, "You're not kissing. I can hear you talking." I had really pervy friends growing up. They were like, "Let's do this," and then I'd be like, "I don't feel like it."

Did you talk about menstruation a lot with them? Did you chat about it? Did you guys swap stories?

Everybody was really looking forward to it-

Did you share menstrual or feminine hygiene care products?

Like what do you mean?

Not used ones. You didn't take one out-

Look at this pad. It looks like murder.

Be like, "Now you use the pad."

Did you use pads right away?

Yeah, I think that tampons was a bit of a wait because it made more sense for me to just use pads at first, but then you feel like you're wearing a diaper, and it's uncomfortable. Then I remember swimming lessons. My family were finally wise to my bullshit, and they're like, "You're going to the fucking swimming lesson." I remember being on the phone and calling my friend, being like, "How do I put this up my vagina?"

And it was easy?

No. She had to read me the instructions. I had them too, but I couldn't handle it. She was like, "Point it to your lower back," and I was trying to do that, and I was like, "This is weird." Then it was up there and I'm like, "I can feel it in me." She's like, "You'll get used to it." She was right.

So do you wear tampons now? You do.

Yeah, but I really want to be a Diva Cup gal. I have a lot of friends that are into that, and I'm really hot on the coconut oil craze, so I feel like Diva Cups is next because coconut oil, I use it for everything. And I feel like I'm cheating the system because I have one thing. I use it for cooking, I use it for moisturizer, I use it to take off makeup. 

Holy shit.

I use it on cuts and stuff like that. It's so good for you in every way, and then I feel like Diva Cup is like yeah man, because you don't have to buy all these different things. You don't have to buy a ton of boxes of tampons, you can just use one thing. But this is the thing. What do you do when you got a light flow? I don't know what's wrong with me. I only have two days.

That's normal. That's fine.

Wow.

I'm like two days of period, and then you have the remnants and the get readies. The get ready spottings, and then well, that just happens after. 

You could just wear a pad or pantyliner or something.

Yeah, but that's wasteful.

It is so wasteful.

That's the whole thing. I guess I could just lay a rag down.

A reusable pad.

Yeah, just wash it in front of my boyfriend? What do you think, baby?

Make him wash it.

You like this? He'd be like, "All right, get out of here." Trying to shock him.

You can get it with a cute pattern. Yeah, trying to shock him.

Yeah, like a moon pad. It's called a moon pad and a Luna cup. They really want us to realize it's about the moon. It's the tides. Get in touch with your body. And I'm like I don't know. We're trying not... it's so weird.

It is really about the moon. I don't know what that is. What is it about the moon and the period that connect?

Science. It's science, and we don't have time to fucking look it up, all right? I know that knowledge is at our fingertips these days, but we're not looking it up. We're just going to wonder forever. But that's the thing, it's so natural, but it feels so weird because we're so detached from being women in the soil. We are not into it, so it's like sometimes when you get your period, for a second I'll think this is so fucking weird. Why is this happening? It feels so weird, but you're like wait a minute, it's so natural. And you're like, but it's weird.

It is weird to-

And when people say it's connected to the moon, you're like but that's literally connected to the universe, but we think it's so strange. I don't know. It's a bit of a mind fuck, so I'm just tripping out over here.

Every month. Every month I get shocked. I know it's coming, and I always get shocked. I'll have PMS symptoms, like I've been getting angry a lot before my period.

Dude, that's your thing now. You played my show the other night, and you're like, "Just so you know, I'm so angry these days." And I'm like I'm very excited for this, because you're angry but you're smiling while you're angry onstage, so you know you're actually having a great time being angry.

Because she hangs out with me too much, that's why.

But I've been really angry lately, and every time I know the period's coming because I'm feeling extra angry or depressed, then I'm like oh, okay, here it is. That's why I was feeling bad. It's a shock.

That's the thing. If I'm really upset and really emotional, and really angry, emotional, I'm like my life's so shitty. I'm so upset, I just can't seem to pull out of it. There's nothing more relieving than seeing your period the next day. You're like I'm not crazy, I was just PMSing to the max. And you're like thank God. Or you're so upset and you're so emotional and you can't kick it, and you're like just come. Just come, period. I know it's you. Why does that happen to us? I know there's a scientist that can explain it, but-

It's the hormone levels.

Hormones are losers.

You're telling me.

And it's sort of like how you guys were like Wednesday's the second, and I thought Wednesday was the sixteenth because I'm always ahead of myself. I'm so worried about what's it called when you stop having your period?

Menstruation. Menopause. Menopause.

Menopause. Yeah, that makes sense. So I'm already thinking about menopause so much, and it's so weird because I'm like what's that going to be like?

Did your mom go through menopause early or something?

No, I think I'm just always a few steps ahead, being like what should I get worried about next? Like sometimes when I'm in a really good mood, I'm like okay, seriously though, what should I be worried about?

That's me though, too. Paranoid.

Yeah, we're paranoid.

Oh, we're super paranoid. I've been thinking the whole time, during the whole recording, about other stuff.

What?

No, no, I'm kidding. No, but you know what I mean.

I know what you mean.

There are different facets of your brain. This one's here-

Yeah. In one room, this is happening. In another room of your brain, this is happening.

Yeah.

Yeah. You're like what else do I have to do today? You're going through your to-do list, and then there's another room that's one thing in your to-do list and you're like I'm just grocery shopping in the back of my head the whole fucking day, and I know I'm going to goddamn forget that fucking baguette. 

So is your period regular then, or what?

It kind of moves back a few days. It creeps back a few days every month, so when I first got it, I was like well, this is the time. So I went through my calendar all year and I put a red dot. And I went okay, it'll be exactly a month apart. That has never been consistent, so it always moves back. Before it was at the end of the month, now it's at the beginning of the month.

Is it like, 21 days? Do you have a shorter cycle, maybe?

I don't count it anymore. Now I just go okay, when am I the biggest cunt? After that should be my period. And I live with my boyfriend, and it's funny. When we first moved in together, we were one of those couples who as soon as we started dating, I moved in, and he got so... He was all excited, but then my family, I was like, "Listen. I'm moving in with my boyfriend." And my dad, the only thing he was saying, he's like, "Does he know how emotional you are?" I'm a very dramatic person, so if it's a bad day, it's the worst day, and if it's a great day, it's the best day.

What's your sign? What's your astrological sign?

Oh, Leo, baby.

Oh, Leo. Interesting.

Get me on that stage and let me shit. What, you all don't like this? I don't know. 

Is that a sign of Leo?

I don't know. 

They're known for their hair.

They're very driven.

I wish I had more Leo hair. Is that what you mean, like manes?

Manes, but also they always have people notice their hair. 

Oh, I have wig hair. It just looks like I'm wearing a classic wig.

Leos are emotional, though. Every Leo I know is emotional.

Well, I got to say, I went to the psychic fair this year, and it was such-

I did too. What day? What day did you go? I have to show you my painting?

What?

She bought a bunch of crap.

I want to show you. Okay, we'll do it after the podcast.

I really got to see it, but I got to say that I was really disappointed with my reading. 

Me too.

They always say these things where you're like yeah... like you try to make it work. 

Well mine, she was like, "Okay, I'm going to read a painting that is you, that is your essence." I was like, "Cool. Then I get to paint it?" She's like, "No, I paint it." I was like you paint my painting and then read it for me? So she painted it and then read it. 

What?

You know what I mean? I was like are you just making up whatever the hell you want-

Yeah, they are.

In this painting, and then making it up again?

So was it all interpretive colors, like splatters and stuff?

Yeah. I have it, but she painted it. I didn't even participate.

It's a beautiful painting.

It's beautiful. I have it hanging in my bedroom.

It was beautiful?

I'll show it to you after.

I can't wait to see it after. Oh my God. 

But anyway, what did they say?

First of all, she seemed real tired, like she was yawning. She was yawning a lot, and then she'd be like looking around the room and not looking at me. So I'm all excited with my hands on my lap, sitting up really straight, very excited for my psychic reading. But then she's just hunched over, shuffling the cards, looking around, chomping on gum.

They're so distracted.

She was a real slacker, and so she's yawning like crazy. In the middle, she gets me to cut the deck, and then she took a phone call, and in my head I'm like come on man, this is $40. Then she would start to flip them over and say all these things, where I'm like no. Then in my head, I kind of abandoned my hope. I just sort of was like this is fucking bullshit. Then everything she said, I was like okay, what else? She'd say something else, and I'm like okay, what else do you see there? I was just so angry. I think going to the psychic fair, I was really upbeat and excited, and then leaving I was super depleted.

Yeah, that's how it goes. 

It is, and then you're just like-

She goes all the time.

My family, I've been going since a child, really. My mom's so into it. 

Oh, really?

Super into it, and mediums.

I was supposed to go with her.

She was going to come with me, my sister, and my mom. The three of us went. You were going to come with us, but you didn't. But my mom and sister are really into mediums as well, especially.

So somebody who's just like oh, there's a dead person talking to me. They think you look great.

Yeah. I feel your dog. My mom's always talking about our dog, who passed away also. She's like, "Is Buddy talking to me?"

Are you serious?

The psychic's like, "You betcha he is. Woof, woof." It's just so crazy. I love you mom.

That's insane.

It's very-

She's not listening to us.

She's not. She doesn't understand the internet. She wouldn't understand. But anyway, so a Leo, so you're emotional, around your period especially. 

Well yeah, who isn't? And it's a whole thing every single time. It's like who's going to-

So do you PMS?

It's weird. It's not always the same. It's not consistent. Sometimes I'll be just normal and then the period happens, and I'm like oh, okay. But then sometimes it'll be two weeks of being a huge bitch, and then it's a family event at that time. We're all waiting for it to come. Everybody who's close to me. I'm forlorn, I can't hide it. I'm looking into the distance, not sure about life. Things are really dramatic. Things are heated. Don't fucking touch me. Then it comes, and then I'm like arms outstretched into the horizon. It's like thank God.

Do you get period cramps?

Sometimes. Do you know what the best is? Pot for that stuff. Hey?

I've never-

You're the first person to tell us that.

Yeah, this is true. 

It's exciting.

Oh my gosh. It's so medicinal. Well, medicinal. I never say that right.

Airplane in the distance. Sorry, go ahead.

Oh, that's just my dad. 

Sara, you're talking about your period.

You're so dramatic. But I was in comedy school at Humber, and it was kind of like we'd have voice class and stuff like that too, and I remember sleeping over at my friend's house because she lives right near the school the night before, and I got my period, and it was mega cramps to the max. I was in so much pain. I was like oh God. I'm like, "I know this is really fucked up, but I'm totally going to smoke pot right now," because it was the only thing I could do to get rid of it. I took Advil, and I took this and I took that, and it wouldn't happen. So she's like, "Yeah, man. Go for it." So I smoked this roach, and it was amazing. I was high, and it was gone.

All the pain was gone, and I was like dude, this is why it needs to be legalized. People who have chronic pain, that's why they have to smoke pot because it literally makes your life not full of pain. It was awesome, and then I went to this voice class, and so we're doing spinal rolls and going, "Ha. Brr." All these different exercises, and I was so into it, and I was just so into it. I wasn't guarded that day. I was just smiling softly to my teacher, and she had to deal with some annoying class clowns who wouldn't take her seriously, and I was so taking her seriously that day, so she felt really good.

Oh, yeah. Was it Cindy Block?

Yes. 

Yes. I had the same voice teacher at university. 

Poor girl. She was so upset. She looked like-

She's intense.

Like we beat her. We'd show up to class, and she'd be like, "Guys. Stand up. Shut up." Like she was so upset at us.

She used to talk shit about the Humberg class to our class, and we were theater. We were theater students.

Yeah, you go in there, you're committed. You weren't going to put up anything, but we had all over the country, there were asshole little shits in their class, and they'd gotten into the comedy program. And just to give you an idea, we started off with three classes of 30, I know about six people who still do standup. I don't know where these fucking dicks are, but they've gone back home and they're annoying to their family or their friends or whatever.

They spent $12,000, and have moved back home.

Yeah, but they made this woman's life a living hell. I went to an arts high school, so I was very committed and very into it too, but by the end of the comedy program, I wasn't taking her seriously either because you're just surrounded by people. You can't help it. People are nervously cracking jokes, and it's just building, building, building, and nobody wants to feel the golden light come out of your nostrils.

She used to always say, talking about menstrual stuff, if we were doing yoga and stuff, she'd be like, "If you're on your period, ladies, do not go into this move." You know what I mean?

Oh my God. 

You'd put your legs up, you're not supposed to do certain movements when you're on your period.

That's great.

Really?

Yeah. 

That's wonderful. 

Don't you remember that? Didn't she ever say stuff like that to you?

Yeah, and then all the guys would laugh so hard. Periods. I have mine, so I'm not going to do it either. And then all the other people are like yeah, and they laugh way too long about it. She's like, "That's 50 minutes of my class gone, assholes." We were the worst. We made her life a living hell. And then one time she couldn't be there, so she had a supply teacher. Then the woman who came in, she was prepped for us to be the worst people in the world, so she was like, "Don't say a word when you walk into the room. Sit in a circle, close your eyes." She had her guard up so fast, we're going what the fuck?

Those are the same guys, do you remember in elementary school if one of them found a pad? Even not even a used one. Just a new pad, they would all start kicking it around in the field with a fucking hockey sticks.

I always remember pads being on the walls.

Yeah, and they'd be kicking it around like it was a soccer ball. Kick the pad, kick the pad. Pass the pad.

We would go to the movies or swimming or something when we were right before our period time, and if you had a quarter you'd get one out of the machine, and then you'd put it in some water and go whoa. It expands so much.

And watch it fill?

Oh yeah, watch it fill up. And I remember one time putting a quarter in and about to turn the knob so that way a tampon would come out, and then a woman walked into the bathroom and I pretended like I was doing something else. Then her daughter wanted the quarter. She's like, "Is this yours?" I'm like, "No. No." Then the kid took my quarter, and I was like fuck.

Have you ever used one of those pads or tampons from a machine? I don't think I ever have.

They have a huge-

They're huge.

They have a huge cardboard applicator, and you have to really honk it up there.

I've never used one, I don't think. 

I cannot use cardboard applicators for the life of me. They're painful.

Yeah, man.

I use the plastic applicators.

Have you guys used a Diva Cup yet?

No.

No. We both really want to.

I think I'm going to buy one.

I feel like Today would be a good one. 

How come you guys haven't? I can't believe this. Are you kidding me?

I can't believe it either. Listen, I have a lot of issues with mine. I don't want to talk about it because I always talk about it, but I only started using tampons recently, like a couple weeks ago.

So you have a lot of-

Issues with my vagina. Have you never heard me talk about it?

What, that you're just-

She had a hymenectomy.

I had a hymenectomy.

Oh yeah, so you didn't even get to have it broke by a dude's dick.

No, no, I didn't have it broke by a dude's dick. No.

It was by a doctor, and you were like, "Sorry."

That's the joke.

And then he pushes his glasses back up onto his face, he's like a nerd.

He was a nerdy doctor. So yeah, so I just started using tampons recently, but the Diva Cup's next.

I think I'm going to go for the sponge instead of the Diva Cup. 

The sponge?

What a lot of people don't know about it, there's another alternative called the sea sponge, and it's literally like a little sponge that you-

From the sea.

Yes. Yes.

I'm into that, and you can ring it out in front of all your friends.

Exactly. It's like you wet it, and then you put it in, and it's not as painful because I hear the Diva Cup is hard plastic.

Well, I don't think it's plastic, I think it's some sort of organic-y rubber type situation. I think that's the whole idea, is you're trying to stay away from plastic and also-

Oh yeah, I don't think it's made of plastic.

Whatever, it's harder.

But yeah, it's hard, and the more you use it, the more it softens it up. But this is my fucking thing. They have two kinds. One's the regular one, and the one you're supposed to get after you had a kid or if you're over 30. So I'm 30.

What does that mean?

I guess it means that overnight, my vagina just became real wide. Like as if I had squeezed out a fucking kid wide.

That's crazy.

So I'm kind of scared. I feel like should I lie to myself and just get the regular one?

I would get the regular one because I hear it's difficult to use, and I would think you would want to go with the smaller one at first anyways. 

And I love people who use them because I feel like they're more badass people. I remember my friend, we were outside at a party, like a field party once, and we were squatting down and taking whizzes together, and she was like, "I just fucking emptied my Diva Cup." I'm like you're a rockstar. I was so jazzed.

Onto some plants, and then a tree grew.

Yeah. A tree grew so fast. It was like the Garden of Eden after.

That's beautiful. Have you ever leaked anywhere embarrassing, or not embarrassing?

Or are you responsible?

I can't think of anything dramatic to share. I think that I've never worn white jeans on a motorcycle and been like, "Oh, fuck," after I got off. "I thought nothing could go wrong."

On a motorcycle. That's a good image.

But I'd like to do that.

But has there been general leaking before? Probably, I'd imagine.

Yeah, I'd say so.

But you're responsible. You change your tampon regularly.

Oh no, if you don't have a tampon, you just shove a whole bunch of toilet paper down there and just hope for the best.

Okay, this has been two weeks in a row where I told Jess that I'm very irresponsible where I don't carry my tampons around with me, so I'll use toilet paper. She was like, "That's weird."

Okay, you're exaggerating.

Well, no, it's a makeshift pad. It's the poor man's pad.

I've done the same thing, I just have not shoved it inside me.

I don't shove it inside me, I shove it where the vaginal hole is.

The vaginal hole.

The vaginal hole. So tactical, Natalie. 

That's the medical term.

Yeah, the vaginal hole.

Doctor, there's something strange about my vaginal hole.

Vaginal hole.

Oh my God. Not even vaginal.

No, vaginal. That's even better. 

But you know what? I don't think she'll ever be on your podcast because she's a farmer who lives in North Carolina, so I've got to share my friend's story, which is pretty good.

Please share it. A farmer in North Carolina. Sorry, that's too-

Yeah, she's one of my favorite pals, and she was in France, living in France, traveling around on her own and trying to learn... she was trading guitar lessons for French lessons. She's very cool. 

That's really cool.

And she would do stuff, she just has a totally different lifestyle. And so when she was there, it's weird. You're in a place that you don't speak the language, you're walking around, so she ends up meeting this guy and hanging out with him. This very French guy, and she had this wild night of passion with him. And she was in the bathroom, and she had her period, and then for some reason it was just such a heavy flow that it was flinging everywhere. The whole bathroom was just splattered in blood while she was so drunk on the whole day of drinking wine. 

It was everywhere, and she was like oh my God, and she was trying to clean it up, and it was just getting further and further all over the place.  Then there's a knock at the door, and then she's in broken French just trying to tell him I'll just be a minute, I'll just be a minute. Then he pushes the door open and he looks in, and he looks around at everything, and then he started fucking pounding her. He was so into it. He was this wild animal man who was so into it-

French.

Yeah, and he was just like oh, sacre bleu, and just was so into it. Then she was just like that was a pretty good night, I think. Dear diary, made some love tonight.

Who is this man, Jacques? Who is this character?

I've only heard one other story of someone having sex where there was blood everywhere and they said it was so hot. There's hand prints.

Yeah, it's like primal, fuck yeah craziness. And so I think that's better than all my stories, being like I'm putting it in water and it's expanding. Hers is better, so I thought I'd share that.

That's amazing.

Yeah, because there's some guys out there who are like, "I love nature, and I love women, and I fucking don't give a shit about menstruation."

Yeah, that's great. I love those guys.

He did things up.

Well, this is my question for you. Do you have sex on your period?

Yeah.

So matter of fact. Yeah.

Well, if I want to. I had a friend, she was really jazzed. She was like, "no, really? You have sex on your period?" And I'm like, "Yeah." And she's like, "I love just taking a break. It's a good way to go oh, not this week honey. I can't take a break." I'm like what? Just so she can keep her legs closed and lay back without being entered. 

Women feel differently about it. Some women-

And how does your boyfriend feel about it?

He's fine with it. He's like a mature man, so he's just like I don't care. It's a vagina and I love you. Or it's my vagina, he loves me. No, he's totally cool with it. I think it'd be really off-putting and not something to share if your boyfriend or girlfriend was like, "Just let me know after we've all showered and it's over." That's kind of like okay, maybe you guys shouldn't be together if they're scared of your body and what it does.

That's like that guy I had sex with a couple weeks ago in Chicago.

He was scared of vaginas.

Yeah, he was scared of vaginas in general.

How does this happen to you?

It happens always.

Yeah, it's the weirdest thing.

You attract guys who are not-

I attract loser I think, somehow. Fucking assholes.

And this is the thing, people think I like turds. People might say the guys I like look like turds sometimes.

No. They look like turds? Okay. 

They're very liberal.

I'm picturing guys in shit mascot costumes. I have a type.

Me too. Beautiful hair, but it's all shit.

I know you guys think I only date turds, and there's a team of men behind her, all dressed like turds. But it's my type. 

What I'm saying is the guys that I end up being with, I feel I find a little more liberal.

They're more respectful. The guys I have sex with, they're like I don't know about pussies. 

Is it because you're up for a fight? You're always open-

Maybe. 

That's a good analogy. 

I just attract people like I want a fight. I don't know.

You do, even with your standup, I know you like getting into discussions. You don't mind getting things heated, so you're not turned away by a challenge at all. So I can see you maybe attracting guys who maybe you're not afraid to go no, vaginas are awesome. 

Well yeah, that's what happens.

So hold on, what did this guy say? He was just like-

Well, it's a long story. Have I talked about it yet? I don't even remember. 

I can't remember. You can talk about it again, I don't care.

We're running near the end, but I'll make it brief. We had sex. He was like, "Can you go down on me?" And I said, "You got it, partner." I did it, and then I said, "Now my turn," and he was like, "I don't know. It's not my favorite thing." Then I yelled at him.

This is not my favorite thing? That's why you guys got to do it at the same time, man.

Or make him sign a contract.

No, this is the thing. You go, "You go down on me first," and then if he doesn't, you kick him out.

Did you say sign a contract?

She said sign a contract.

I said make him sign a contract before we have coitus.

What the hell, was this guy like, 18?

No, he was not 18, and he was in his 20s. Late. 

I think he was in his early 30s.

What?

This is what I don't understand. Why do people have to do get one person off and then it's the other person's turn? Why don't we just do it at the same time?

That's a great idea.

It's like let's take time where we all want to watch television after. Let's just fucking cut it down.

You're so smart, Sara.

You know what I mean? 

I don't 69 enough, actually, to be honest.

69, mutual mast, do it. Just do it at the same time. Mix it all up.

You're just efficient, is what you are. 

I just want to watch Friday Night Lights. Get me back in front of the fucking television. Let's make this fast.

Anyway, but then eventually I yelled at him. Well, I yelled at him not eventually, I yelled at him immediately-

For half an hour.

For like, half an hour, and then eventually he was like, "Maybe." And I was like, "Good. Maybe. That's right." And then I got my period. 

Immediately?

Yeah. I went to the bathroom... well, no. I fell asleep for a while, anyway, and then I-

You're yelling and falling asleep at the same time. Listen...

That's exactly what happened, and I actually said, "I'm leaving," and then I fell asleep instantly, like bam, right away. Then woke up in the morning and I yelled at him more, and then he was like, "I'll do it," and then I went to the bathroom and fucking flowing period. 

So then you're like, "You got out of this one, asshole."

Yeah, and then I went back and he's touching me in these awkward ways, and I was like, "I have my period." And that was it.

Yeah, man. Stop dating guys in their 20s, okay? Just go for people who've been through some shit.

I'm into it.

Go find some divorced men.

I would like to.

Yeah, just people who aren't fucking scared of women's bodies. Are you kidding me? 

Amen. Amen, sister. What a way to end it. I think that's the way to end it. Well, Sara-

Everybody date a divorcee. That's my life advice. Follow me on Twitter. 

Say your stuff, Sara. What is your Twitter?

Twitter Sara-

Underscore Hennessey.

No H on the Sara. 

Oh my God, you're so into it, and you're right. That's true. I tweet once a day, sometimes twice a week, and it's a real whirlwind. Sometimes there's jokes and sometimes I just talk about how I like lunch and it's something we can all relate to.

You have a website. You have a great website. I've been to it.

Oh yeah. It's sarahennessey.com. Watch my web series, watch my short films. I make lots of fun stuff.

I love that web series. 

Me too.

Oh, thank you. Thanks so much, guys. It's called Goodbye Sara Hennessey. 

Also, Terrific Women. Let's talk about that for a second.

Oh my God, yeah. Terrific Women coming out on top. We're doing it.

Sara has a duo, Terrific Women, with Steph Kaliner. 

And this podcast will be coming out on Canada Day.

Oh yeah, so we have a show tonight. A Canada Day celebration. It's at The Ossington. Terrific Women is a conceptual show where we're two horrible feminists from the 70s who have their own cable access show, and we're just always drunk and we're real silly. It's like a variety show, we have different people on it, but it's like Wayne's World with two drunk women in 1974.

It's amazing.

And you also have online content. You have videos.

Yeah, we have lots of videos and all that kind of stuff.

And a Facebook page-

And a website. It's terrificwomentv.com. I think I accidentally just went women, which is a real good thing for me right now. Terrificwomentv.com.

Anything else, Sara? I think that's it-

And go see her in Just for Laughs in Montreal.

Yeah, Just for Laughs in Montreal, or if you're in Toronto, Just for Laughs 42. 

Our listeners will love Sara's comedy, for sure.

Yeah, she's amazing.

She's amazing.

I'm really jazzed. I'm jazzed that I actually did this. I was like oh my God, what am I going to talk about. I just tried not to think about it too much, and just roll with the punches of periods. 

This has been amazing.

It's been great.

It's been one of my favorite episodes, I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it. Okay, well thank you so much for listening, everybody. You can follow the Crimson Wave. We've started tweeting again recently. I've been active on there recently. So @thecrimsonwave on Twitter. @msjessbeaulieu for me.

@stalkingnatalie. Our Facebook page is Facebook.com/thecrimsonwave.

Every time. And that's it, I guess. Listen to some iTunes.

Wait, rate us, subscribe, leave comments.

Please do.

Yeah, write letters. 

Yeah, write us some handwritten letters. I'd love to receive a letter.

Yeah, and just throw it in your internet and see what happens. 

Yeah, I know. I'm not giving you my address. Okay, that's it. I think we're good.

Thank you, and ovulater. 

Go with the flow. Crimson Wave. Go with the flow. Crimson Wave. Go with the flow. Crimson Wave. Crimson Wave. 

Show Notes:

On this week's episode of The Crimson Wave your hosts Jess Beaulieu and Natalie Norman welcome one of their idols, BRILLIANT comedian, actor, and writer Sara Hennessey. They laugh hysterically together as they discuss #psychics #astrology #menstruation #weed #cramps #periods #tampons #divacups #periodsex #69 #masturbation #pads #bras #brothers

To find out more about Sara follow her on twitter @sara_hennessey

And go to her website sarahennessey.com

To find out more about The Crimson Wave follow us @TheCrimsonWave

Also follow Jess @msjessbeaulieu and Natalie @stalkingnatalie