The Podcast Diaries: The Crimson Wave E16

Jun. 01, 2020 By BeYou

Listen & Learn:

The Transcript:

Hello!

Welcome to The Crimson Wave podcast! We've been singing a lot lately.

[Singing 00:00:25] We've been singing a lot lately.

Yeah, singing a lot. We're eating some vegan donuts here from a local bakery at Bloor and Lansdowne. Drinking some mimosas, having a-

It's a Sunday.

It's a Sunday, at 2:30.

It's sweaty.

It's sweaty, it's hot.

My sexual fantasies are coming true.

It's true. You're going to be on a bike soon. [crosstalk 00:00:50].

I don't know how to ride one.

And you're going to be cycling.

That's my fantasy is to learn how to ride a bike.

Oh my God! We're so excited about our guest today. By the way, sorry, even before that, I'm Jess Beaulieu.

I'm Natalie Norman.

We're your co-hosts, obvi. So, our guest today is Evany Rosen. Oh, man.

Hi!

Applause. Standing ovation for Evany. Evany is an awesome comedian, writer, actor.

She does everything.

She's in everything.

It just means I do more things, less well. [crosstalk 00:01:24].

No, she's been all around. She's been in-

She's got all the credits.

All the credits. She's been in-

All the credits.

She's been in Just for Laughs, she's been the Winnipeg Comedy Festival.

Both the credits.

She was recently at the Winnipeg Comedy Festival.

Recently. She's a part of the legendary sketch troupe Picnicface, amazing sketch troupe who had their own television show, everybody.

We did.

You did. You had it. You had a show.

There's a rich history of canceled Canadian television.

It was an amazing show.

That's how you know it's good.

Yeah, if it gets canceled after a season that means it was amazing. It means we had a home run.

Well, check them out online. Go look at some old videos.

You've probably seen their videos.

You've probably seen it. They're famous.

Okay. Well, great. We're happy to have you here, Evany.

I'm happy to be here, this is great. Is the theme song the same every time you do this?

Yes, why? Oh, that theme song. Oh, yeah.

We improv on that.

We improv.

Wow. Wow. It sounded really good. You didn't even us a pitchfork or anything.

You might not know this, but we're classically trained improvisors.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. I thought you were going to say musicians, and I was going to say... Are you sure? But I believe about the improv.

Right, right. Great. Well, we're here to-

We're here to talk about...

Periods.

Yeah. "Mensies", or my new term, "the bleeds".

I like "the bleeds". There's so many terms. Britain has a lot of weird terms: "having the painters in".

What?

Yeah. That's a British term for getting your... "Oh, the painters are in." I think.

The painters are in?

Either that or you made that up.

Or I made that up, which is possible.

And that would be amazing.

I'm also a classically trained improvisor, so we'll never know.

"Being on your rag" is the grossest, I think.

Right.

Well, I feel like the only people that say it are dirty, gross men.

Oh, yeah. I don't hear a lot of women being like, "My flower is on its rag."

But yeah, I bet there's so many.

What's your favorite term?

"I have my period." No, that can't be it. There's got to be a better one.

That's a term? "I have my period ." [crosstalk 00:03:33].

"Just hard bleeding from my vagina, you guys."

I love how you keep winking every time we're talking...

Yeah, at no one.

Evany is winking like mad over here.

It's just a tick.

Beautiful to witness.

Evany, are you on your period now?

I'm not.

Excellent.

I'm actually not totally sure when it's coming back. I hope soon.

Well, what do you mean?

I've been on the pill forever, Tri-Cyclen Lo. Low estrogen. So, as far as I know it doesn't make me crazy. But I was having dinner the other night with two other lovely ladies, Caitlin Howden and Kayla Lorette, and we were all talking about the pill and whatever. And Caitlin was like, "I can't. I'm off the pill, I can't do it. It makes me crazy, blah, blah, blah," and I was like, "Oh, I've been on this since I was 16." The way they were talking about it, I was like, "Maybe putting these weird hormone-changing chemicals in my body forever is crazy?" So, I decided to stop taking it for a month and see what happens.

Really? How do you feel?

So far, a bit fatter. And I think that's it. Everything else is the same. I'm a little bit hungrier, actually, all the time.

So, I read an interesting article... Guys, I read.

Good for you.

Very rarely. But it said that the new trend is the "pull out" method. That was the headline. And it was a revolution of women who don't want to put chemicals in their body.

Right.

They don't want to put the pill in their body, they don't want to. They're like, "Males don't have to do it. Why can't they either just, a) wear condoms, or pull out?" Which is not a very good method, by the way.

Pulling out?

Yes.

But it's hard to know. If you're in a long-term relationship, which I am, the idea of going back to condoms at this point is crazy.

No, it's ridiculous.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

I have a lot of friends who exclusively pull out, and they're doing just fine.

Yeah, I feel like more people do it than you think.

Way more people.

Well, that's the exact point of the article is people are doing it. They don't want to have their body with all this garbage, because you don't know what the long-term effects on your body are per se. And your period.

Yeah. I remember like five years ago, my crazy friend Irena... She's a wild child.

What a nut.

Listen up, Irena. So, she told me, "I only pull out." And I was like, "That's madness, are you out of your mind? You're going to have a million babies soon." And now people tell me they pull out, I'm like, "Yeah, that's..."

That's about it.

It's common.

Especially if you know what your body is about, which I don't because I've been on the pill for so long. But I feel like if you combine pulling out with the rhythm method, if you're pretty clear about when you're ovulating.

Yes.

And you're not like, "Let's roll the dice on that week." You just say, "Let's have a [inaudible 00:06:15] instead," or whatever. Maybe it's fine?

I don't know.

Well, doctors will always tell you to go on the pill but I feel like they're pushing it on me.

Yeah.

Pill-pushers.

They're pill-pushers.

Well, they'll always tell you to use protection of any sort. A doctor will never be an advocate for [crosstalk 00:06:33].

Because what we're not accounting for is STDs.

Yes. That's true.

But if you're with a long-term partner, then that...

That negates it.

Because it's two really different things if you think about it. If you're just worried about pregnancy, you have a whole other set of options to you. Birth control can't help you with STDs either.

No, it cannot. I'm speaking as if I have experience with STDs, I do not.

I do.. Don't either.

She did a big wink on that, you should know. Slip of the tongue.

I've definitely thought I've gotten herpes multiple times, but then I've been fine.

I thought I had an STD and it turns out I just had a bananas yeast infection.

Yes.

Oh, I thought you said a banana's yeast infection. I was like, "What is that?

No, like a crazy...

[crosstalk 00:07:23].

It was just bonkers.

A specific kind of yeast infection? [crosstalk 00:07:27].

When you put too many bananas up there and then you get a yeast infection? You guys know about that, right? That's everyone?

Oh my God. Yeast infections, I feel frequently are... I find when I get one I'm usually like, "Oh, this is a form of STD."

I've only ever had one. I'm not prone to them. I remember I was in college, I was like, "Something's weird," and I asked my roommate and she was like, "Yeast infections don't really hurt, they're just kind of uncomfortable." And I was like, "Okay. I guess this is a yeast infection." And I let it go, and I remember waking up at like 6:00 in the morning and just being on my bed with a bag of ice directly on... Just whimpering, and just waiting for the clinic by my house to open. I remember calling them at like 7:58 a.m and being like, "I need to see someone. Right now."

Wow.

Then, I went in. Up in the stirrups. And it turns out I had a yeast infection, but one so bad that the woman examining me called everyone else who worked in the clinic to be like, "You've got to check out what's going on in there. It's a bread factory." And me just being like, "Yes. Help me." It was very embarrassing.

Wow. That is an epic yeast infection.

And I've never had one before or since.

[inaudible 00:08:42].

I like that you had to go to the doctor even. Usually you just take the pills.

That's in the end what they prescribed. They were just like, "Monistat."

Monistat.

"50,000 watts," or whatever the most aggressive Monistat is.

50,000 watts.

It was because I didn't know I had one, that I went. And it was so bad, that I was like, "I don't know what's going on."

Holy shit.

And it's always better to be safe.

Absolutely.

Right, ladies?

It's the peeing. The burning peeing.

I've never had one, which is shocking.

That is common, right? Isn't that a symptom?

I think that's a bladder infection.

Oh, maybe I'm confusing them.

Anyway, a lot can go wrong in there is the point.

The cottage cheese-looking excretion that comes out of-

That ruins cottage cheese for me.

You've never heard that?

So does the word excretion. Ruins a lot of things for me. I don't like it.

You excrete a lot of liquids. Ladies.

I do, I do, I do.

We all do.

Especially blood. [crosstalk 00:09:37].

Yeah, let's get back to the blood. When did you first get "the bleeds"?

Okay. So, I thought I got it at summer camp one year. I had red in my underpants, but then nothing else happened. And I think, later I realized somehow when I was at the arts and crafts thing I maybe sat in red paint. I told my counselor, I was about 12 maybe, and she was like, "Congratulations. You have your period." And just nothing else happened, so I was like, "Did I sit in paint?"

And then, nothing for a long time. Then, probably when I was 13 I got it for real and I told my mom. My mom's big thing was, "You never want to have to use pads. Let's just get this out of the way right now." And my mom was always an O.B. tampon user in her period days, so she was like, "You're learning to use an O.B. tampon today." First period, first day. Talked me through it through the bathroom door. Best lesson she ever taught me. Never messed with applicators, never did pads.

So, you used O.B. exclusively?

From my first period.

Whoa.

Still today?

Still to this day.

Wow.

Not in a way where if I need a tampon and I'm like, "Do you have one?" and someone's like, "Yes. It's a Playtex," and I'm like, "Nevermind. I'll just let it ride." But if I'm buying them for myself...

"It's fine, I'll just let it ride."

That's something I would do.

So something you would do.

Just the toilet paper wrapped around the crotch of your underpants?

Yeah.

No, I don't do that.

I do that.

I've done that.

I don't think I've talked about this, but what I do when I don't have a tampon, and I can't use cardboard ones and I can't use O.B....

You can't use O.B. because you find them hard to...

To maneuver them in.

Right.

Maneuver them in?

So, what I'll do is I'll be like, "It's time for the toilet paper tampon," and I'll just grab a bunch, squeeze it really tight together, and just put it up.

Doesn't that hurt?

No. Not at all. I don't put it in, I put it in like a pad. I lie it in between the lips.

Okay, that's sort of what we're talking about but we wrap ours instead.

Oh, okay.

Why in between the lips? Oh, you put it on your underwear and you go-

No, in my vagina. Not in, not up, but where the hole is. I block the hole. My vagina lips seal around and I walk on out.

But you can use tampons, right? This isn't your only method.

Yeah.

You haven't just been suffering through life with this insane trick. That's a backup.

That's crazy. And you don't find it difficult getting her in?

No. My mom always told me, you aim it towards your lower back. It's pretty easy.

You do have to sit on the toilet to always do it?

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

You can't just free ball it standing up?

Free ball it?

Can you do that? I feel like if I did that I'd at least have to put a leg up on the toilet seat. I don't think I could just stand.

I don't know. I don't use tampons.

Pads?

Pretty crazy. Yeah, yeah. Pads. I know. People are shocked. I'm a modern woman who uses pads. Oh, man. We talk about this in every episode.

Cannot get away from it.

The listeners are just so bored [crosstalk 00:12:42].

They're like, "Ugh, Jess and her vaginal surgery and her pads."

Vaginal-

I had vagina surgery, yeah. This is a true story.

We'll just plug her article again.

I wrote an article.

She had a thick hymen.

I had a thick hymen and I had it removed by a doctor.

Okay, when?

When I was 21.

When did you figure out that you were packing too much hymen?

Wait, let me answer these questions.

Yeah, you could probably [crosstalk 00:13:08].

She was having sex with her boyfriend and they could get it in.

So, you were going to lose your virginity and you couldn't get the dick in.

[crosstalk 00:13:14].

The dick was going in, and it kept on blocking. And they tried like 70 times and she was like, "It's time to go to a doctor.

Yeah.

She goes to the doctor and they're like, "Well, you have a septic hymen."

Septate.

Close.

Septic is... That's way worse. Septic hymen. Your hymen's full of shit for some reason. I don't know what you're doing, but this is very bad.

So, there's a little blockage in her hymen. There's a hymen, there's a little hole-

I don't know where my hymen is. I guess I don't have one anymore.

No.

No, you don't have one.

That's why I don't know where it is.

Can you imagine if you still did?

Does it cover the...

Yes.

It's like a closed curtain.

What're you trying to do here? A closed curtain.

In the vagina hole.

It's not outside. That's why I always got confused by hymens.

No, it's inside.

Because they're inside.

Absolutely.

Yeah, they're in. You cannot see them.

Okay. You learn something new every day that you should've known for a long time, that you just found out.

We explained the-

Last week we went over the parts of the vagina.

Yeah, with our last guest because she didn't know.

Oh, wow. Get a chart going.

Get a chart, yeah.

So, it'd go in like half an inch or something and then it would be like, "No."

It wouldn't really go in at all. Well, kind of. Mainly, there was a big strip across the opening. There's the usual hymen, which is around the circumference, and then there was a big strip across the opening. So, sometimes you could get the dick around if it was a small one. But there was only one dick, what am I talking about? He was doing well.

And how tiny could his dick be?

So, it was just like Native American drumming basically. It was just hitting...

Native American drumming specifically?

Well, I mean like skin stretched and then they'd beat it with a stick.

Right, okay.

I get that.

I think.

Yeah. So, that's what happened and then eventually I went to a doctor and they were like, "You need to get that removed." I tried to use tampons many times and I couldn't get it in, and all the girls were like, "Jess, it's hard for all of us. It'll work eventually." And I was like, "Okay."

It was hard for me for years.

Absolutely. It's hard for most because your vagina's so tight, right?

I think that's why my mom was just day one, you're learning to do this.

So, have you ever worn a pad?

Probably in a pinch, but not really.

Do you sleep in tampons?

Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah, is that allowed?

I do it. But sometimes I'm fearful of TSS.

What's the cutoff, isn't it eight hours? Or is it 12?

12.

I've heard 12.

Okay, that's not-

So, you got to be having a serious sleep.

Yeah.

I feel like if you slept for 13 hours it wouldn't be too late.

Done.

No. Yeah, that's fine. I think people sleep with tampons in.

I do it all the time.

Well, what else would you do?

I don't know. I wear pads, so it's confusing. It's a mystery to me.

Don't you find it so uncomfortable?

Yes.

Okay.

But I still do it. I don't know.

Could you wear tampons now that you're hymen free?

Again, every episode-

Maybe you should try one right now.

I'm not on my period.

Right. Fair enough.

It would hurt so much. I'd be like, "I'm never doing this again." Rip it out. Just dry vagina. That's the worst.

But get the super silky applicator. An applicator that's designed for easy entry.

That's what I get.

Next period, I'm going to try a tampon and you'll be-

We're going to record it through the wall.

Yeah, you'll be updated.

And you aim for your lower back. The base of your spine.

You know what, I just haven't ever tried really again, really, but I can. I'm sure I can.

It'll change your life.

Penises get in there easily now.

And tampons are smaller, hopefully.

Well, with the guys I'm sleeping with you know [Gibberish 00:16:43]. Anyways.

Cool. So, how old were you again? 12. 13.

12, 13, somewhere in there. To be honest, I feel like I'm someone who doesn't have a strong relationship to their period. I don't know why, I feel like maybe I should.

Why?

Is it frequent?

That's part of the reason I got off the pill.

Is it very regular?

Sometimes I fuck up the pill so it comes like twice a month sometimes. Has that ever happened to you?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

But, no it seems fairly regular. To be honest, one time I went off the pill and it was the most painful period I ever had. I threw up and stuff, so I'm a bit scared about what's going to happen with my new choice.

I wonder why. Your body was just...

I found out why. It's because when you're on the pill you don't ovulate, you just menstruate.

Right. Yes.

But when you're off the pill you ovulate, and I guess the act of pushing out the egg can be very painful.

So, you probably get really bad-

Especially if the muscles aren't [inaudible 00:17:36].

When you're on the pill do you get PMS or any of that stuff?

Not really. That's the thing, I think I don't have much of a relationship to my period because I never know when it's coming. Maybe the day before, I'm a bit like, "Oh, it feels it a bit weird."

When you're on the pill you know, right?

Yeah. Maybe you finish it on Sunday and by Tuesday you get it. It always just sort of happens and I wear tampons for four days and it's over.

So, you don't get bad cramps? Or you didn't before, when you were on the pill.

Yeah.

Why did you go on the pill? Was it for sex? Or was it for your period?

Because you've been on it since you were 16, that's a long time.

Yeah, I think it was because of my period. I was having bad periods.

You were having bad periods.

I was 16 or 17 when I went on it. Then, the one time I went off it I had a terrible period, so I may have really set myself up to fail here. We'll see what happens.

I want a detailed report.

Have me back next month and I'll tell you how it went.

That's a long time. That's a long time.

I know. That's why I was like, "Maybe this is not good for my body."

What is that, ten years on the pill? How old are you?

I'm 26.

Yeah, ten years.

I think I was about 17. So, yeah, nine or ten years.

Holy shit.

That's fine.

Oh, no, it'll be fine. It's just, that's a long-

I want you to give us a detailed report of the feelings you have.

Yeah.

Drawings.

I'll do [crosstalk 00:18:48] for the next podcast where I just explain to you what I'm going through when I get it.

Please do.

It's going to be a shift, that's for sure.

Yeah.

It's not going to be fun.

No, it's going to be really bad.

Because you haven't been an adult off the pill before, and it really does affect you and your emotions. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way.

When you're on the pill and you get your period, do you ever feel like you get crazy emotional?

No. That's the thing. I was always on Tri-Cyclen Lo, low estrogen pill. I'm very adjusted to it. So, I don't know if my boobs will get bigger or smaller, I don't know if it will do anything to my skin.

Right.

I figure when it does, it'll level itself out regardless.

It will.

I haven't noticed much yet.

I've been off the pill for a year and a half now. I was on Tri-Cyclen Lo for five years.

I was never on the pill.

Never on the pill.

And how was the adjustment after you got off of it?

It wasn't adjustment. I went on...

Oh, thank you. Sorry.

Do you want orange juice?

We're making mimosas if you hear a lot of clank-

Or do you want just champagne?

I don't know.

Clanking in the background. We might have to edit that out.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, it's good.

There was some adjusting, emotional stuff, and-

Were you more emotional, less emotional? Were you a robot? "I was less emotional, I felt nothing. For weeks, I felt nothing."

I don't know. I found to be more emotional, which is strange. I feel like that's the opposite, usually women are more emotional on the pill.

That's what I've heard.

I don't know. Maybe because it evened out my hormones though, and suddenly my hormones were doing their own thing now.

Right.

I have an interesting question to ask, sorry to interrupt.

Okay. Go ahead.

Summer camp and your period, how long did you go to summer camp for?

My last summer was my CIT summer, so probably the summer I was 15. The summer between grade 10 and 11 I think was my last summer camp.

So, how was having your period at camp? We've never talked to anyone about it, because I had my period when I was ten and I went to summer camp until I was 21 because I'm-

Where do you go to camp?

[inaudible 00:20:44].

Oh, you went to [inaudible 00:20:46]. I went to [inaudible 00:20:46]. So, it wasn't quite as Jew-y but it was close.

Isn't that a tripper camp?

Kind of. It's not the biggest tripper camp, but it's a big tripper camp. I was not interested in tripping.

Did anyone bond over it? You see all those ads now, I don't know if you've seen the ad, but it's a girl at summer camp and she's the queen of the camp because she's the only one with tampons.

Oh, right.

How do you get tampons at camp?

Do they probably have them there?

No.

No?

No.

No. I'm sure they did if you were...

Desperate?

Desperate. Did my mom pack me with enough tampons for the summer? Could I get them at the tuck shop?

Yeah, that's so funny. You're gone for like two months, right?

Do you pass them around?

But it's only two periods, right?

Oh, it's two periods. Yeah, I guess so.

When you think about it.

Yeah.

I remember, I was staff as well because I'm a big nerd, and I had lost a lot of weight and my period had stopped basically. I was 17. And then, I went off my diet and ate fries every day because I was at summer camp.

Classic.

Right.

That's what you do. And my period came back and it was the most horrific thing; it came back every ten days. I would just bleed like crazy and I couldn't move. And it's hot. It's so hot, there's no air conditioning anywhere obviously, you're in the nature. I was sales staff, so I'm always in a bathing suit. It was horrendous. I can't even remember being a camper, so much, on my periods. I remember one birthday... Now we're just talking about me, I just wanted to talk-

No, no, no. I'm into it.

So, my birthday's in the summertime, and they throw the kids in the lake when it's your birthday. I remember specifically I had my period, it was my birthday, and they went to throw me in the lake and I was like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, don't, don't, don't," because I was wearing a pad.

Oh.

And they walked me to the water and put my legs in, which is a very embarrassing moment.

Yeah. They should've just been like, [Whispering 00:22:34] "We'll do it tomorrow."

Yeah, another week.

Swimming was always a thing.

I just had a memory, an embarrassing camp period memory. It was the CIT summer, so we were doing our bronze cross.

Medallion?

Or bronze medallion, whatever everyone had to learn. From the swim instructor, this big beefcake named Justin Dearsley, who is a very funny guy. He would really drill us, that was a joke, and he was always throwing us in the lake if we didn't. And we were doing some kind of squats or bends or something, and I remember looking down... I was with all the CIT, so boys, girls, all of us. Like 16 of us. All my peers that I'd been going to camp with forever. And my tampon string was hanging down out of my bathing suit. No one was pointing it out, but I was like, "Has anyone seen? Has someone seen? Is no one going to mention it?"

So, I think I pretended that I hurt my ankle so I could sit down and roll my ankle on the dock for a second while I was trying to shove it in. But because there was no breaks because Justin was so intense, he kept being like, "Rosen! Get up! Get up! Your ankle's fine, I'm going to throw you in the water!" I was like, "My fucking tampon string, just please. Just please, can anyone else fall over or get tired for a second so the heat is off me while I do this awkward maneuver?" So embarrassing.

"My tampon string."

Yeah, just hanging out of my bikini.

Did you... Well you've never worn pads. You wore pads.

Oh, I once wore a pad in the lake.

Did you ever have a pad fall down your pants? I remember in elementary school there was so many moments where there'd be a bloody pad in the middle of the yard, and some guy would be like, "Yo, man there's a pad over here!" And everyone would gather and be like, "Where'd this pad come from? Did it fall down a girl's pants?"

No, I think the boys were taking the pads and drawing on them.

Where'd they find them from? They went garbage hunting?

The bathroom.

Garbage digging?

I think she means clean pads. They'd find clean pads.

But I mean used pads.

And they would draw on them.

Oh, they'd draw on the pads. I thought you meant they found bloody pads and threw them around.

No way, no way.

No. But there were sometimes, I used to remember pads in-

Someone was having sex on the field the night before.

Maybe. Oh, man.

Oh, elementary school. Those were the days.

Elementary school. Everyone at ten years old having sex the night before on the playground.

It is weird to think of that cutoff though. When the idea of a boy knowing you had your period, or God forbid, getting your period during sex, or in a boy's bed, or when you're in high school... There's a period where that stops. I don't want to get my period through my pants at a party still, that's still mortifying; but the idea of a guy knowing I'm on my period or even accidentally getting my period during sex or something, it's like, well, any men we're dating at this point in our lives, if they're not totally blasé about periods something is very wrong.

Right.

I agree.

I find that most men are like, "No, babe. It's no problem. Don't worry about it."

Absolutely. It's a natural thing that happens.

So, you clearly have sex on your period.

Yeah.

Do you do it more often? Well, not more often. Do you like it on your period? Do you find it sexier?

No. It's not a kink factor, certainly. I'm not like, "You know what really revs my engines? Just a bloody, sexual time." But if I want to have sex and I happen to have my period, as long as it's not the red tent down there, no problem.

No problem.

Where do you guys land?

Love it. Well, I don't love it. That's the thing, I think it's very sexy when a guy's like, "I don't give a shit." They just want to have sex with you, so that's really sexy to me.

Yeah, I'm open to it. Of course.

I agree with you, I think it's very strange when a guy's like, "You have your period?" What the fuck is wrong with you?

Yeah. I've never met a guy that didn't want to have sex with me when I was on my period.

Yeah. Most guys will have sex with you on your period, I find. Unless they're young. When we talk to our guests, a lot of the time they're like, "The first guy I had sex with was really against it," because when you're 17, 18, or whatever... Exactly what you said, with your maturity comes your acceptance, like, "Oh, yeah. A period is totally normal and it happens all the time." And there are so many other fucking fluids, again, flowing during sex. Cumming everywhere and... That's how I have sex, right? The guy just takes his dick and just writes his name on the wall.

Like a loose firehouse, just everywhere.

Like a loose firehouse. What a perfect analogy.

But yeah, so why not? Why would you be disgusted by-

Well, men in their 30s know how gross they are. They're not 22, where they're like, "I'm perfect," they're like, "When I'm hungover, I'm all sweaty. I'm 29, I'm a gross guy." And I'm like, "Yeah, my period is fine."

Yeah, exactly.

You greasy pig.

So, will you let a guy eat you out on your period?

No.

Has any guy ever been like, "Let's do this?"

I've had guys try to go downstairs and you just kind of pull them back up by their shoulders and you're like, "No, no." And I've never had a guy be like, "No, no."

He refuses to not go down on you.

Yeah. "No, no."

"Please."

Have you ever had any late periods? Oh, I guess you were on birth control.

I don't know. Have I ever had a scare?

Have you ever had a scare? Pregnancy scare, is what I'm asking.

I don't think I've ever had a legitimate one.

No, not a legitimate one. No.

Have you ever had a non-legitimate one?

There's definitely been a few times where I've been like, "Where is it?" I've never taken a pregnancy test.

You've never taken one.

It's never gotten to the point where I've taken one.

That's great. I take them all the time.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

She just takes them for fun.

Every week I like to see what's happening, just in case. Even when I was on birth control and sometimes would use condoms, I would still think I was pregnant. I'm fucking neurotic.

So, you're a little paranoid about it.

Oh, I'm crazy.

I love that about you.

I'm absolutely crazy. I'm the most paranoid person you'll ever meet in your life. But now that I'm off birth control, sometimes at the beginning of the intercourse session we don't use a condom for a bit so now I'm even more paranoid. But I guess I've also realized how difficult it is to get pregnant.

Yeah, I'm almost scared at this point that, what if I can't? I don't want to right now but I want to later.

This is true. When you get into your mid, late, 20s, 30s... It's still scary for me, the idea of it, but then other women are like, "I am nervous that if I went off the pill, would it not be able to happen?"

My friend the other day said to me, "I don't take my pill regularly, and I've had sex without a condom, and I've let someone cum in me, and I haven't got pregnant. Does this mean I'm infertile?"

Probably not.

I wonder that too because I'm sure I've been in that situation before, but I have enough friends who have gotten pregnant and decided to have an abortion, which we're very lucky to be in a place where that is-

Absolutely.

Was in a strange way, not positive experiences for them, but also not a terribly-

The right experience.

It was the right experience, because of the facilities that we have here. But in a less tender and serious way, I've had enough friends that's happened to that you feel weird being jealous. That's not what I mean at all.

Jealous that they're having abortions?

If any of them are listening, I'm going to feel really... But I just mean, if they can have it by having sex with their partners, being in the same line of reckless to careful that I am with my partner, I'm sort of like, "Does that mean I can't do it?" But I also have been on the pill.

I also feel like, just because you let someone cum in you... I don't know what the likelihood of the cum to pregnancy ratio is.

I don't know either.

Or how easy or hard it is.

It is hard to get pregnant, right?

Not everyone.

Not everyone, that's the thing.

How many shows are on television where it's, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, 16 and-

That's a whole other kettle of weird shit. How do you not know you're pregnant? How? What? Doesn't make sense to me. Everyone I know who's pregnant is so fucking pregnant, everyone in the hemisphere knows they're pregnant. They could not be more pregnant. Just weeping, and eating burritos, and laughing too much, and being so weird all the time? They know. That show makes me mad.

Yeah, you're so angry right now.

Well, they're just like, "I guess I wear a lot of sweatpants, so I didn't notice." And I'm like, "No. Do you ever look at yourself naked in the mirror ever?"

Well, my only thing about that is, what happened with your period for those nine months?

I've watched a few episodes, and a lot of them say that their period wasn't regular and that they were anemic or were an athlete so they didn't get a regular period. What I don't understand is the growth, for God's sake a baby is still a baby size.

And it's not the same as gaining weight, let's keep that in mind.

No.

It's a shape.

Yeah, it's a shape.

That kicks you. And eats all your food. Come on. You're throwing up for three months, you're tried all the time, and then you have a hard protrusion in your belly that kicks you? You don't think twice about that?

Or even go to a doctor, once, and say, "Listen, man."

It's the States right? This isn't happening in Canada.

That's true.

This is true.

I forgot, that's right.

So, for them to go to the doctor is expensive. They're just like, "This is a weird thing happening to me, I'll just let it be."

Yeah, yeah.

Because whenever I feel like something's wrong, I go to the doctor.

Yeah, me too.

I just go to the doctor.

Absolutely.

I've been to the doctor like six times in one week.

Can you imagine not being able to do that?

I go to two different doctors.

I went twice in one dat.

Especially with my lady business.

Oh, yeah.

But then, back to that thing about how easy it is to get pregnant is, 16 and Pregnant. Most of the stories are like, "We had sex one time."

That's what I'm saying.

That's true, that's true.

One time.

They're super fertile then, though.

Yeah, you're really fertile when your 14, 15, 16.

Of course you are, because that's when women used to have children.

And they would die at 35.

Yeah.

They lived a full life.

Yeah, full life until 35. If they didn't die during child birth, right?

I have a friend who works on 16 and Pregnant. She's an associate producer.

Wow.

So, I don't know if I'm allowed to say the upcoming season. Anyways, watch the upcoming season, it has to do with access to abortion.

In the States.

Yes, because it's an American show. So, she lives in New York. But it's pretty interesting, she's like, "Yeah, it's just bing, bang, boom, boom, you're pregnant."

Right.

And access isn't as easy, but there's a lot of them that keep them.

Yep.

So, you want children then, Evany?

I don't know. I want the option. It's one of those things where that need, internally, has not kicked in, in any way. Also, when I look at my life 30, 20 years from now and I imagine growing old without children, that doesn't feel good. But also, I'm not that jacked about having kids, certainly at the moment.

Right. Okay.

So, it's hard to know.

Absolutely.

I think I probably will, but it's not like, "You know what I really want? A fucking pile of kids." It's not burning within me.

I always find it strange when I meet people who want a pile of kids.

Me too.

It's not as common these days, I find.

I know a lot of people.

Do you? I don't know that many.

I know comedians who want like five or six children.

Yeah, that's wild.

That's wild to me.

How are they going to afford that?

Well, they come from Hasidic families.

Oh.

Well, that's it. There are Hasidic comedians?

[inaudible 00:35:11].

You know a lot of Hasidic comedians? Okay.

She's not Hasidic anymore, but she came from a family of ten children.

Right.

[inaudible 00:35:18] wants a lot of kids?

She wants five or six.

Wow.

And she's dead serious about it, she would have a child today.

How is she going to do that, is she going to get some sperm?

I guess.

[inaudible 00:35:27]'s a lesbian, that's why I'm asking. Okay. Interesting. Get some sperm, going to get some sperm.

She's going to collect it from the sperm...

So, if you had a daughter, what would you-

This is a future question.

Okay.

What would you tell her about her period, what advice would you give her?

First, I'd apologize to her for the time I went on a podcast and said I was jealous of my friends who had abortions. I really didn't mean it like that, and I'm feeling a lot of guilt about it. It's not what I meant, I just meant there must be some small sense of knowing where your body is. I didn't mean it.

We understand.

I'd do that, and then she'd be like, "Mom, what the fuck are you talking about?" What was the question?

What would you tell your hypothetical daughter about her period when she got it?

What advice would you give her?

Well, I'll tell you this. I really have to pee, so if we could pause, I'm going to think about it while I do that and then I will have an answer.

Sure. Go for it.

Yeah, perfect.

Nat, should we just talk while she's in there?

Sure.

What do you want to talk about?

Wow, this is interesting here.

Oh, we should talk about this. This Wednesday, May 28th, is going to be Menstruation Matters. That's the hashtag and it's the first international menstruation day. It's people all over North America talking about the importance of menstruation and what it means for women.

Yeah.

In regards to the fact that many females in developing nations, the number one reason they don't get an education, they're not safe, their menstruation is very hard for them. I'm not saying that correctly, did I say that correctly?

I don't know what you're trying to say there.

This is what I meant to say.

They don't have feminine care products available to them. There's a lot of shame associated with it, they're not allowed to go to school sometimes because of their periods.

Most of the schools don't have proper facilities.

Yeah, they're not educated properly on what their period is and what's happening to them.

So, it will be a day of discussing that, how we can make the world a more accessible place for women.

Yeah.

And in recent developments, a certain province in India stated that one of their biggest concerns is feminine hygiene and making a safe space for women. So, it's slowly making progress.

Right.

But we need to make more progress because this is the future, and we need them to be educated.

Definitely. Yeah, it's important. We're very privileged here in Canada to have all this stuff available to us.

Welcome back, Evany. She's back from the bathroom.

Thanks, I peed. It sounds like we're talking about something real.

Yeah, we are. Real talk, real talk.

So, have you thought about your daughter.

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Okay. What would you tell her?

To be honest, I don't think I have any new, major, innovative insights.

Okay.

My mom's a therapist, so she was always good about-

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, right? Jewish therapist from New York. It's a lot. Only child. [inaudible 00:38:30]. But where that is a good thing is, from the youngest age I always felt like I could ask her anything. You know those conversations when girls learn the word "semen" or something, and they're all whispering it to each other in the bathroom and like, "Don't ask your mom. You can't know." And I would always march home and be like, "What's cum?" and she would absolutely tell me.

Cool.

The thing you want to avoid is the Carrie situation, right? Where she gets her period and she's screaming in the showers and all the girls in the 70s shorts are throwing tampons at her, and even the nice gym teacher is like, "Seriously? You're having this crazy reaction to your period? How do you not know what's happening to you?" That's the nightmare scenario of course. I also don't think I'm going to lock my daughter in a house and be a witch.

Just be open about it.

Yeah, that it's natural, that it's fine, that there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Obviously, all the normal things. But mostly just being able to talk about it, ask whatever, and tampons on the first day. That's the one thing I take from my own mother.

Okay. So, we have to start with, do you have a story you want to share with us?

Period-based?

Yes. It can be that other one that you suggested.

Oh, the time I got a spontaneous rectal hemorrhage on an across the country date in Vancouver?

What?

Please tell. Do tell.

It's not a period, but blood came out of somewhere that it shouldn't. Because my best period story is probably the tampon at camp. It was my current boyfriend, so the story's more funny now than it was at the time. But we had started seeing each other and I went out to visit him in Vancouver, and everything was great but I get nervous. I can't shit when I get nervous, especially when I'm staying in his apartment and all this stuff, and it was very new. We had met at a couple festivals, and then he was like, "I have some points, do you want to do this crazy thing?" And I was like, "I guess," because I wasn't like, "Maybe I'll bleed from my asshole in your apartment." It didn't occur to me at the time.

The second day I was there he had to go to a fitting for some [inaudible 00:40:41]. So, my dad in the airport when I had left had tried to give me anal suppositories because those are his main travel mainstay, he was like, "Just in case," and I was like, "Fuck off, dad. Get away from me, crazy old man." Not really, because in that moment I was like, "A wizard. He's a genius."

So, I was like, "Okay. I have to seize these four hours and be a gross weirdo." And I went to the pharmacy down the street, and then at first I accidentally bought the kind you take orally, but I didn't want to be a shit time-bomb. So, I had to go back to the same woman and buy a new type of laxative, but I didn't want to return them because the exchange felt too awkward, so I don't know what kind of night she thought I was about to have. Like, "I forgot, I also need these."

I went back to his place and I put it in, and I waited, and nothing happened. And I waited, and nothing happened. And I waited, and nothing happened. I was trying to shit, and I couldn't. So, I just put an anal suppository into my asshole and nothing is happening. And then he came back, and he was like, "Hi!" And I was like, "Hi!" And he was like, "Oh, yeah. My friends want to have a dinner party to meet you in your honor because I never bring girls home," and all this stuff. And I was like, "Oh, cool. I just put a shit rock in my butt and I don't know what's happening. Yeah, your thing sounds fun."

I haven't told him anything at this point, and we're in Whole Foods and he's having the time of his life being like, "Should we bring a shrimp ring? Carrot cake? What about both?" And I was like, "I need a bathroom." I went to the bathroom in Whole Foods because I was like, "Something is happening to me." And I shit a pint of blood and nothing else.

A pint.

Just blood. And it was so insane that for a second I was like, "Is it the tomato soup I ate for lunch? Is that how soup works? That's not how soup works." Because I wasn't in pain. So, I didn't even know how to say anything right away, so I was just like, "Okay. Let's go to the dinner party." And I'm going to the bathroom every five minutes at this dinner party just shitting blood and nothing else. So, finally I had to be like, "We have to go." He tried to take me to the hospital but I still hadn't told him what was going on, so he was really panicked. And finally, I had to be like, "I'm shitting blood. A lot. A lot of blood."

So, the next morning we got up early. It was just scary enough that it wasn't embarrassing. It was close, but we were just concerned enough about my surviving the night that we didn't get embarrassed yet. We got up early the next day, drove to the clinic. He was stone-faced; later I found out that's his concerned face, but at the time I was like, "Are you mean?"

"Are you mean?"

Is he mean. And we went to the clinic, and I went in and it was this grumpy nurse because she was there on a Saturday at 8:00. I told her what was going on and she was like, "You have any pain?" I was like, "No." And she was like, "Has it been more than two gallons?" or some obscene amount, and I was like, "No." She's like, "Do you have a history of-" "No," whatever. And she was like, "Well, nothing to worry about. You just had a spontaneous rectal hemorrhage." I was like, "What?" "Spontaneous rectal hemorrhage." And I'm thinking, is there any other way to say that? And she was like, "Well, I guess you could say you've had a spontaneous hemorrhage in your rectum," and I was like, "CooL, cool."

So, I had to go back out there and tell him that's what happened, and I had to tell him that the only cure was to go to the shop next door and buy a gigantic box of Metamucil cookies that I would just have to eat every day while I was there until I could shit real shit.

That was the most embarrassing time of blood in my underpants zone that I've ever had, trumps any period. I finally, after a year, got the guts to tell that on stage at a storytelling show in some capacity. And Craig was there and I got upstage and he was like, "You never told me about the anal suppositories. This is the first I've heard that that's why that happened to you. I thought it just happened, but you left out the most embarrassing part until you told a room full of strangers at the [inaudible 00:44:51]."

Oh my God. He thought you were just shitting blood.

For no reason.

So, I accidentally told him much later that it was because I had put a shit tube in my butt.

That is so funny.

Will you use suppositories ever again?

Not that brand for sure.

You should've called that brand and complained.

Yeah, you should have. That's so hilarious. I have anal fissures, so I feel you.

What does that mean?

What do we call them?

My fissures.

My little fissures.

I'll probably need more champagne if you're going to tell this story.

I don't really have them anymore, but basically it's just a tear in your anus.

It's very common.

And you get it just every once in a while?

I haven't had them for a while, but I was on some antibiotics that made me shit a lot for a while and eventually it just tore.

Painful.

So painful. The problem is that it's hard for it to heal because every time you shit, the wound opens back up.

Do they get infected?

Yes. I've had them for like a year probably, and then eventually it went away. But I Googled that shit, read some message boards where people were like, "I've had my fissures for 15 years," and I'm like, "Oh my God."

Whoa.

They're like, "They're never going to leave me."

Why are all these people shitting so much?

I don't know, they're shitting that much.

That's crazy.

You know what, we've come to the end. Fun way to end it.

Oh, we're just going to end on shitting blood. Good stuff.

We're going to end it on shitting blood. It's all connected, right? Blood coming out.

Well, thank you so much, Evany, for being here.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

You can check out her Twitter handle @EvanyRosen.

@EvanyRosen?

Surprisingly, not a lot of people have that name because it is made up by my parents. Easy to find me.

Do you have a website?

I think I own the domain evanyrosen.com but you will just be sent to a GoDaddy confused page.

Don't try to buy it because I have it, but don't try to visit it because there won't be anything there.

Before we end, I went to go buy my name. It's Natalie Norman, it's a very common name apparently. And I went and it was available, and then I waited a week to go buy it. Some other person bought it and she runs a raw food movement. I chased her down.

She runs a movement?

Her thing is called Natalie's Raw Food Movement. But she goes under Natalie Norman, her name. And I was furious because I'm very upset that my name is being used for raw food.

Yes, that's embarrassing.

I think that's a ridiculous diet to be on.

Yeah. I think it's offensive that she's calling it a movement. She has a blog and has made a choice for every other Natalie Norman.

So, check out Evany on the internet and go see her live too. You do shows all the time, right? You're a part of Bad Dog, she's part of a great group of improvisors. Bad Dog Repertory Theater?

Bad Dog Repertory Players.

Repertory Players. Yeah. So, you do shows every Wednesday night. It's a comedy bar, how does that work?

Sometimes. It moves around. We have one more show next Friday, incumbent Friday. I have one more show we're doing called Throw Down at 8:00 [crosstalk 00:48:19].

8:00. Look them up, look up the Bad Dog Players. Cool, well that's it I think.

And you can follow us at-

You can follow us @TheCrimsonWave on Twitter. I'm @JessBeaulieu.

I'm @StalkingNatalie.

Also, check us out on Facebook. Just The Crimson Wave, find us on Facebook.

Please rate us.

Rate us. Subscribe to us.

Share with your friends.

Tell your friends about it. Tell your dads about it. I think I said that last time, didn't I? Really want the dads to listen.

I do not want my dad to listen to this. First of all, I called him an old wizard. Nothing he'd take kindly to.

Excellent. Well, thanks again Evany for being here.

Thank you.