The Podcast Diaries: The Crimson Wave E13

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The Transcript: 

Hello.

Oh, you are so loud.

Welcome to the Crimson Wave.

I'm Natalie Norman.

I'm Jess Beaulieu.

And this is our podcast.

This is a podcast. You are listening to a podcast, as we promised by the title. We're having a great day.

Today we've got our first man.

We have some testosterone in the house. Some extra testosterone.

I got a lot of testosterone.

Couple of balls, couple of balls here.

Pumping so much testosterone over here, you can smell it.

Okay.

Gross.

Yeah, smell the testosterone.

His name is Jordan Foisy.

Jordan Foisy, an awesome comedian.

Oh, thank you.

You could check him out every Wednesday at Comedy Bar at Chuckle Co.

At 9:30. He's a producer and hosts a show there as well.

And performer.

A player.

A player, yeah. What is this? Like a little troop you guys have, I guess, hey?

Yeah, sort of.

He was in North by Northeast.

Are you going to chew gum the whole time?

Yeah, you're right. Good point.

Jesus Christ.

Does it sound horrible?

No, I mean, it's going to sound fine, but you can't be chewing gum.

I totally forgot. All right, doctor, Mr. Foisy. [crosstalk 00:01:26].

I don't take it lightly being on a podcast, especially being the first man.

Yeah, it's a big weight.

A lot of responsibility.

I want to come with a lot of respect, and I want to come with an open mind and a to of empathy. That's what I'm trying to bring.

I thought you meant that you want us to respect you.

I mean, I would hope you would. I hope this isn't an ambush.

I thought you were like, "I want to come and I want to get a lot of respect from you."

We're going to attack you.

"Here's pictures of our periods." "What? Is this what you do every time?" "No. Look at it. This is because of you." What?

Okay. First let's start off, before we get into everything, I just want to say I got my period a few hours ago. So-

Woo, so happy to be here.

For the first time ever. No, wait. Also, it's the second day of May, meaning we're officially into my anniversary of my period.

Okay.

What do you mean? You've only had your period for a year?

No, I got my period 17 years ago, that's under the sign of Taurus in May.

Oh wow. Do you know what that means?

Yeah. It's a Taurus.

What does Taurus mean?

Tauruses are loyal, they're stubborn.

Would you say your period is loyal and stubborn?

Yeah. I've never missed a period.

What? Never missed a period?

Never.

That's not true.

What about late, though? Lateness.

It's been late, but I've never missed like a day.

Does that happen to people, miss, miss, it just doesn't happen?

Yeah.

Yeah, lots of people.

Yeah?

Some people don't get it for like years.

Or months. Months or years.

Holy [crosstalk 00:02:48].

Steph Tolev.

Yeah, exactly. For years. Oh, and also months. Okay.

Yeah. Sometimes days, hours.

Are you going to tell me that happened to Steph Tolev?

Yeah. I don't think she gets it now.

She gets it like once a year.

She gets it once a year now?

Yeah.

She gets her period once a year?

Yeah. Listen back to a previous episode, featuring Steph Tolev.

Steph Tolev gets her period once a year?

She's going to love that we're spending your episode talking about her period. You should've listened to the episode, Jordan.

You would've loved... it's hilarious.

That's all we talk about. I'm just [crosstalk 00:03:16].

You and I just talk about her period?

Yes, other woman's periods.

Let me just get back to my period.

Go ahead, get it out. Sure.

Because I want to explain how my period feels for me today.

Oh what?

Jordan, are going to what to every... This is all about periods.

No, I'm on board. I knew that going in.

Listen, I can feel my ovaries radiating through my legs, through my legs. This is intense.

What does that feel like? It's like a pulse?

It's like a pulse through my legs. So it's achy through my legs. I was hot for no reason. Well, I was hot. I was working in my dad's office and I was just like sweating. And then my dad asked me to do something for him, and I walked out of his office screaming like this, "You don't know what it's like to have a period!" And I ran out of that office.

To your dad, or to everyone in the office?

Mainly my dad. And he looked at me like, ugh.

That sounds very unpleasant. I feel like the yelling at your dad is still on you though.

Oh, for sure. But it's also a part of my anger towards, I didn't realize it was coming.

Oh, is this a surprise period.

Well, it wasn't a surprise. I was supposed to get it, I guess yesterday, but I can't remember if I was spotting or not. I don't know.

Is it always... It must always be a little surprise, right? Anytime I've ever been around when it happens, it's always kind of like-

You've been around when a woman gets her period?

Definitely, how could I not have been?

Of course.

Of course. It probably happens more than I think. It's definitely happened on the bus when I didn't know. There's definitely probably so many embarrassed women on the bus at all times. Two women from every bus ride is embarrassed. Has your period ever started in like-

A bus.

... a bus? What's the most public place your period's ever started?

This is like, now you're interviewing us.

Yeah, you switched on us.

Will you not answer this question? I mean, are you really talking about periods?

Oh no, we've talked about leaking, probably.

But where I've leaked, publicly I've leaked everywhere.

Everywhere?

Yeah. [crosstalk 00:05:02].

There's not a place in this goddamn city I haven't leaked.

I've made a mark everywhere.

I've ruined my best friend's sheets. I've ruined her sweat pants. I have a joke about this where I just list the places I've leaked.

Yeah, so it's happened?

Yeah, it happens a lot, still to this day, all the time.

I haven't done it that much.

It's not a competition.

It's a little bit.

It's a little bit?

It's pretty powerful being like, I'm here. This is it.

It's happened.

Get over it.

And how do the two of yours last?

This is so funny right now.

Is this inappropriate?

No, this is great.

No, I love it. I love it.

How long? Mine usually lasts like five days, I'd say. Three, four, five. It depends.

I'll explain what happens. Around the third day I'm like, man, I'm done with this and I just won't wear anything.

But that doesn't mean it's over. [crosstalk 00:05:49]. You just ignore it.

Natalie's stories are so funny about period, because they're so uniquely what you do anyways, like, "I'm going to take my clothes off." It's like, is that a period thing that most people experience?

No.

Well, to ignore your period, I feel like there has to be other people that do. I know for a fact there's other-

Some people forget to put in tampons and stuff like that.

My friend, I don't want to say her name because maybe she doesn't want me to say it, but she's like, "After a day or two, I'm just like, fuck it." And I feel the same way. I don't want to put a tampon in.

But then you're bleeding everywhere.

It happens.

You're bleeding all over your pants. Why would you do that?

Do you guys use DivaCups?

It's preventive.

Do you guys use DivaCups? I'm fascinated by DivaCups.

Are you really?

My ex girlfriend had a DivaCup.

I've never used a DivaCup. Yeah, what was her story?

She loved it. She loved it. Every woman I've ever met that uses a DivaCup is like, "My DivaCup is the fucking shit."

Did you ever clean her DivaCup for her?

That sounds so dirty. I know it's not actually dirty and it's a perfectly normal thing, open-heart empathy. But it sounds like slang. No, I never cleaned her DivaCup. But she swore by it and her friends who use one too also swore by it. And it seems pretty easy. It seems fine. It doesn't seem too weird.

It's not.

The concept of it seems kind of crazy. Like you just put a cup in there and it collects it like rainwater?

Yeah, it is like rainwater.

It's like rainwater, but it works. And then you just dump it out.

Did you ever play... I don't know why you would have played with it.

Played with it?

But did you ever see the cup when it looked full?

No, I wish. I'm obsessed with bodily fluids.

Are you? Are you actually?

I love knowing how much stuff comes out of me.

Wow. So you're into breast milk as well then?

I've never encountered it. I probably would be super into breast milk. I'm probably going to craving breast milk.

That's the coolest the fluid to excrete.

I know, it's going to be nuts. It's going to be nuts. I'm going to be just-

When you have kids?

... joddling down my wife's breast milk.

Oh, are you going to have kids, Jordan?

Yeah, I thought you-

I thought you didn't want kids.

Probably not. Plus it's kind of like a what's that movie with Vince Vaughn, that horrible movie? Sperm Daddy Go or something?

What? No, I don't know.

What's that movie? I've never even heard of it.

Marathon... No, not Marathon Man. It's a remake of a French... I don't want to talk about-

Let's talk about this more. Yeah. I didn't really think about it.

Well, let me ask you this question, because we're done talking about my sweaty period, for right now.

Does it make you sweat more?

Yes.

Your period does?

Because I get hot. I get hot for no... It's not that warm outside.

It seems like a bad time, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

It seems like a bad time?

Having your period.

It's fine.

Well, I mean, well, it's fine, but-

But there's no parallel that I'm ever going to have in my life, where it's like-

Well, a lot of men say, "Oh, it's like getting kicked in the balls."

No, that's not what it's like.

No, it's not like that.

It would be like bleeding out of my dick for four days and then I'd have cramps in my body would feel weird. It's probably what it feels like. The only thing that I think that it would make me maybe relate is when I forget to take my anti depressant pills.

Yes.

Is that kind of what it's like? And your body feels weird and nauseous and you're like, "Oh, I got a fever," or something?

That's exactly it.

Is it kind of like that?

That horrificness.

But it's not horrific enough where you have to stop. You're just kind of like, you feel weird and like, "Am I going to fall down for no reason?"

But some people do have to stop when you have your period.

Oh really?

It's so bad.

Their antidepressants?

No, their period.

Oh, their period.

But it's kind of like that?

Yes.

Like your body's rebelling?

What is like, because you take... what do you take?

Effexor. Venlafaxine.

Represent.

Do you take it too, right?

Yeah.

How many milligrams?

Not as much. [crosstalk 00:00:09:27].

We have never talked about this. How does it affect you when you're on your period in combination with your meds? What happens there?

Nothing.

Nothing, it's exactly the same?

Nothing. Exact same. There's no difference.

Oh really?

What if you went off of your meds during your period? Would you...

Probably be crazy.

Yeah.

But I mean, you're crazy anyways.

Yeah, I would lose my mind because I would be off my meds. The type of meds that we're both on, the Effexor Venlafaxine is known for the highest... When you stop taking it, if you stop taking it suddenly, it's the biggest drop in all of the medications.

Is it?

And I didn't realize for the longest time, because every once in a while I would start feeling dizzy and nauseous during the day. I'm like, what's going on? Why does this keep happening? And then I realized, I'm like, oh, it's every time I forget to take the pill, or I'm even late.

That's fascinating.

Yeah, it's very-

Even late. That too, if people-

Yeah, it's late. It's like 2:00, I'm like, "Oh fuck. I forgot to take it." And it's four hours later. And I'm like, oh.

Does it balance your hormones as well, what is the effect?

No.

My hormones are fucked because of it. No, I'm just kidding.

Your hormones are fucked?

My hormones are fine. Should we get off... this isn't what this podcast is about. [crosstalk 00:10:30].

Yeah, I was thinking about-

Move a little closer.

Okay, so you're-

Hold on. Well, I want to ask this. Sorry.

Go ahead.

Can I ask the question?

Yeah.

Ask away, ladies.

If you were to have a daughter, even though you don't want to have children, maybe by accident.

Okay. Perfect.

Jess made that jump earlier.

Love how highly you think of me.

Are you stealing my joke?

I just stole her joke.

You fully... yeah, I made that joke earlier.

About me?

Yeah.

Well, he was like... I mean... She was like-

When I wasn't here?

No. Yeah. No. We were talking about that question. We're like, well, we can ask them, what would you would say to his daughter, and she's like, "I don't know if he wants to have kids." And I was like, "Well, if you accidentally have your daughter, Jordan, what are you going to..." And I'm not saying that you would do that. You seem to be responsible when it comes to protection.

I'm pretty responsible. You know what, I am and it can still happen because I'm not that responsible. Everyone's about like 85% responsible.

Let me get off this for a second. Have you been with a woman whose period has been late?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Have you ever dealt with that situation?

That happens all the time. Oh yeah, the first thing in a relationship is like, wow, those things are late all the fucking time, at least for the girlfriends that I've had.

Are you worried when it happens?

What happens in your head?

I just think about all the times when we started having sex before I put a condom on and I'm like, that was it. That pre cum got her... This baby is going to be made from pre cum? It's going to suck. It's going to be all weak and spindly. I got a pre cum baby coming. If I get a baby made from pre cum, it'll be the worst baby.

So when you find out that she got her period, you're pretty happy of course, pretty big celebration?

Seriously pumped. And then there's like the days before when things start happening and she's like, "Oh, I'm thinking maybe I'm going to have my period," and I'm just like, yes. But then it's like this thing where you don't want to put too much pressure on it in your head. You're like, I hope so. I hope you're right. But maybe this is just what pregnancy is like when it starts.

So you're as relieved as she is, probably, frequently.

Probably.

Because I wonder about that, with my boyfriends I've been with and I'm nervous.

Oh, we're super fucking nervous. Anytime you express any nervousness about your period, we're like, "Well, she knows best." I'm not like, [inaudible 00:12:42]. But that's what I'll tell you because I normally remember. I'm like, they're normally late. It's okay. Then they'll be a fucking week and a half late and you're like, "Jesus Christ. Has this ever happened to you before? Tell me this has happened to you before." They're like, "No, this has never happened before."

That must be so interesting to be-

It's terrifying.

Yeah, to be so nervous because you don't understand how it works, really. You kind of do, but it's not your body. You've never experienced it.

I can't feel it. I think I have...

Well, you don't even know... It's so funny when women are like, "Oh, I can feel it coming. I think I have cramps." And for a guy to be like, "Oh, I hope it's coming."

Oh yes. It's abstract. It's like I'm waiting for a weather pattern. I'm waiting for rain from my future, rain from my future. Please don't let my future dry up.

That's a good analogy.

That's great.

That was pretty good.

That's pretty good, Jordan. Yeah. That's good.

Thank you.

Okay. So if you had a daughter accidentally, what-

Or...

Or on purpose.

Or on purpose, who knows what your life will hold, your future entail?

How would you deal with her getting her period? What advice would you give her?

Okay. So by this time let's say it's like 10 years in the future. So that means girls will probably be getting their periods when they're two, if current patterns continue.

That's so funny. We were just talking about that yesterday.

I was going to be like, "You're bleeding, baby," probably is what's going to happen.

That's so funny, we were just talking about that in our last episode.

I don't...

You don't know.

I don't know. I mean, I would imagine that I honestly would want her to not feel ashamed. I think that'd be my biggest thing about it. Making sure she feels good about herself and not being scared or ashamed.

That's so nice.

You got to have a baby now, Jordan.

I know. I'd be good at it.

You're so sensitive.

Would you encourage the DivaCup?

I probably would, actually.

Or reusable pads?

Well, this is great. I would encourage the DivaCup over reusable pads because it's not as gross. I'm just kidding. I don't know if pads are gross, but they seem annoying. Pads seem annoying. That's why she also liked the DivaCup, because she didn't... my ex girlfriend. She didn't want to use tampons because of all the health risks, but she didn't want to use pads, because they felt weird. It made her feel like she's wearing a diaper.

Yeah. That's how I generally feel about pads.

I will only wear pads.

You only do pads?

Yeah.

So you should get the DivaCup.

I should.

Because it feels like a tampon where it gets in there and you're not thinking about it-

But she doesn't like the feeling of tampons.

I don't like it. Yeah, I got a lot of issues in there.

I think I've heard you do standup about that.

Oh yeah, we've talked about it.

Yeah, I think I know about it. So yeah, it might be a problem because it's bigger. It looks bigger than a tampon.

It's way bigger. But no, it squeezes, the way it works, it squeezes.

Oh, is that how you do?

It's like very flexible plastic.

Yeah, it is.

Also, this might be a weird way to describe it, but I feel like you could cover it in lube.

Wow. I've never thought about doing that.

Interesting.

Do you put lube on a tampon?

No, you don't, [crosstalk 00:15:48].

I feel like you can lube a DivaCup. I don't think that would be surprising.

Probably. I could probably lube it up. I Don't know if I would need a lube. I've never tried it. I might be okay. And to be honest, I've had sex a lot more since the last time I tried to use a tampon or actually did it.

Oh, so it might not be as...

Yeah, I've been getting around.

We should get you... we should do-

And that's why. It's been a... fuck, the word.

What are you trying to say? What are you saying?

Not efficient, but like it's been pragmatic. Fuck it. You've been out there. I got to get this [crosstalk 00:16:18].

Yeah, I've been using a penis as a dilator. [crosstalk 00:16:25]. Free dilator.

Did you really class this joke up with the term dilator?

That's what it is. That's the term.

I also own a dilator, which is basically a dildo, but it's... Oh my God.

Not fun?

It's five-

It's not fun. It's like hard plastic.

Isn't it five of them?

It's like five of them. Different sizes. Like those little dolls, you know when like a big one-

No way. Really? [crosstalk 00:16:45]. That's awesome. That's cool. That's fun.

You work your way up.

Yeah, you work your way up. I had to-

What color is yours? Oh, they're beige. Why do I know that?

Do you have one?

Yeah, something like it.

Well, is yours just a regular dildo? I don't know.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Well, now that we're on the topic of sex, do you have sex with women who are on their periods, Jordan? Have you?

Yeah, of course.

And still actively?

All the time.

Every day.

Every time a person... I mean, yeah. I don't really care.

You don't care?

No. I don't care at all.

Have you ever cared? You've never cared.

I may have cared when I first started having sex with my first girlfriend, because I just didn't know. But no, I don't really care. I don't know when I stopped full... I don't, I don't know. I don't really give a shit. I've been like, "I don't go down on you. I don't care."

Have you ever gone down a girl with her period?

No, because they will never let me do it. [crosstalk 00:17:46].

Yeah, I don't.

It's like, "Stop it."

I've never had a guy propose that to me, but I would probably say no.

I also don't know if I would go through on it actually. [crosstalk 00:18:00].

Because yeah, I mean just the idea of it is kind of like all the blood in your mouth. There would be blood in your mouth for sure. That's a weird...

If I was drunk.

That's like a horror film. Can you imagine like coming up from the vagina and you have blood on your-

That's why I like it.

Yeah, you are dark, I feel like.

I just like bloody sex.

You love all the fluids. So-

You love the fluids.

I'm intrigued by fluids. Yes.

Like all bodily fluids?

When I cum into a condom I always look at it like [crosstalk 00:18:23].

Do you actually?

Yeah. Well not always, but what, when somebody loves me enough. When I know they won't be freaked out.

Even if it's a bloody condom, even if it's-

If it's a bloody condom, even better. Then it's weird.

Ew.

And it's biggest bloody nose booter of all time. Okay. And snot too, like when I'm blowing my nose I was got to look and see like-

Well, I do that.

... oh, that's a nasty one. Shit.

Oh, women do that with their pads and their tampons.

Oh, I love looking.

Oh you do? See. That's what I'm saying. Save them. Give them to me. No. Let me look at your pads.

One day you'll just have a package in front of your door. Just a bunch of-

A mysterious package.

I love you sending that package through the mail, like a mail main just going like, "Going about my day, delivering whatever boxes. This one smells weird."

Why are all the cats coming so close to it?

Yeah, exactly. Is what would happen?

Yeah.

Are cats attracted to-

Any animal would be attracted to the scent, I feel, of the blood.

That's true, the blood.

Your cats are in heat right now, right, in your apartment?

No, they're all spayed or whatever.

I thought they were in heat. Brian has a joke about it.

No, I don't think so. They're all spayed. It's cats outside that are in heat.

Oh, cats outside are in heat?

Yeah.

I just want to mention something for a second, there is a phenomenon where people love the smell of bloody tampons and bloody underwear and purchase them.

Like those fetishes.

It's a fetish, and they'll send them in the mail and people make a business out of selling that stuff.

I bet it. If there's someone like that in the world, probably.

If there's something that comes out of the body, there's probably somebody who gets off on smelling it.

There's a fetish for everything.

Yeah, everything.

I don't really have any fetishes.

No?

Not really. I mean, I might not have stumbled upon it yet. It might take a vacuum cleaner and a new pet to figure it out. Some kind of weird accident happens. Apparently, I'm down with getting [crosstalk 00:20:17] a vacuum cleaner sucking at my ass while my dog licks my face.

Oh my God. This is, wow.

Is this supposed to happen?

What?

Is this off the rail or should we focus on our periods?

No, no, it's fun.

We love anything.

We'll edit, or not.

How about talking more about the periods?

Yeah, let's talk more about the periods. Okay. All right. Do you find that-

Yes, I've had sex on periods many times.

Okay. Do you find that the women you're with are more sexually aroused on their periods? Do you notice any correlation there?

Yes.

Or not?

Yes, both. I've noticed both and... Yeah, I've noticed both. And I think the one, the not is more mental.

Yeah, they're self conscious.

It's like embarrassment. Yeah.

Interesting.

And that's what I'm like, "I'll go down on you. I don't even care."

That's so nice. You're trying to make them comfortable.

By covering my face in their blood.

There's nothing more easy.

That's a very comforting image.

Yeah, it's like your face-

See, I'm okay with it. It's just blood.

So you don't have any sisters, right?

No.

Oh, so it's just your mom?

Yeah.

Did she tell you guys about it?

No, not really. I mean, I don't really know.

Ever?

No, it was a very... My house was a very non explaining the body house. Very repressed house, I would say.

Did you ever find feminine hygiene products around the house?

Yeah, I think she must've told me. But I don't remember any explicit conversations. I don't really know how I learned the things I know about periods.

Yeah. When did you start learning about the female body? Because to grow up in a house of men and your mom wasn't very open, when did you... just when you started having sex?

Was it media?

No, a lot of it was media, probably. It's definitely media.

Media?

Yeah.

For school?

Definitely media in school and stuff like that. Definitely osmosis, just being alive and things happening, which I guess can describe all the knowledge I have. I don't think it was my mom. Maybe she had a little bit... Mostly, probably friends and media. Yeah.

Is there anything like in television or literature that you can remember reading about the period? Music?

Well, there was the King of the Hill episode where Hank had to go get the neighbor's tampons for her. He was the only one... because Kahn's daughter having her period. And he went and got tampons for her, because he was the only one that she could talk to about it. I think that's how I learned the most about periods, from King of the Hill.

From King of the Hill?

That's awesome.

Yeah, I think so.

And then you're like, oh, this is what you do when you're older, you buy everyone tampons.

And there's a movie where someone... I feel like there's a scene or something, not Carey, when somebody gets to their period and it's a shock, like they had never gotten in before, but I can't remember the movie so I may have dreamed of this.

Yeah. So it's a figment of your imagination.

Have you ever bought a girl tampons or pads or anything?

Maybe.

Maybe?

Maybe.

Would you be ashamed to?

No. What, people are going to be like, "That guy's bleeding out of his dink?"

But I feel like-

A bloody dink, go back to fucking Connecticut.

Bloody dink from Connecticut.

But I feel like there's a lot of older television where they'd be like, "Oh, I can't believe I have to go buy my girlfriend her tampons."

That was the plot line of this show. Hank is in the...

Pharmacy.

The pharmacy and he's like, "I got to buy these things."

Yeah. It's like buying a box of condoms. It's probably similar. It's fine, but you always feel-

I feel more about buying a box of condoms.

Oh, condoms too. I feel more about condoms, more uncomfortable.

Yeah, because tampons are clearly not even for me. There's no judgment at all. Maybe when you're buying tampons, you at least have that fear that, someone might think it's my period right now.

No, not really.

Well, I don't think the two of us particularly.

Yeah, but maybe some women might feel it, but I'm like, well, clearly I'm buying this... Clearly, I'm doing a good deed.

Have you ever bought pregnancy tests?

Yeah. I have bought that and plan B.

How many times? And plan B? You bought a girl plan B?

I think we split on it.

That's awesome.

I think we went dutch on the old plan B.

And you went together to the pharmacy to get it?

Yeah.

That's so cute.

That's a nice trip, romantic trip.

Very good.

Of course, you should split it. It's your fault and her fault.

Oh yeah, I mean, maybe I should've paid for it.

Probably.

I don't know.

She wanted it.

Did she have birth control?

She did not have birth control. My two last girlfriends, no birth control.

No birth control, interesting.

Interesting.

Current-

So they're current girlfriend-

Current and last one, no.

No birth control. So their periods are a little bit unpredictable, I'd say.

Sporadic.

Sporadic. Yeah. They're a little-

Heavier, heavier, possibly?

I don't know about heavier.

You don't know?

No, I wouldn't say. I mean, it doesn't seem like it. It doesn't seem too heavy. When they're getting heavy, I don't think I've seen them. In a caveat to the, having sex on the period thing when the river's flowing, I guess, that'll sometimes not dissuade me, but that'll kind of be like, let's not do it right now.

They'll say that?

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Right.

Gets a little messy.

It would probably get... I've never really had sex in a way where it was like-

There's bloody hand prints everywhere.

Yeah, exactly. I've ruined some sheets. Some sheets have took it, but normally it's like, there's a little bit on the towel. Sometimes there's nothing.

Let me ask you, what do you think of PMS? Do you think it exists?

Oh, this is very interesting. Well, I think I think of it probably the same way you do where as a person I'm very skeptical of all sorts of gendered things, because I think a lot of us socially, you're just like, come on. I know you're going to say what I want to hear. I know it, yes. Yes. Gendering, social.

Go ahead, continue.

And my ex girlfriend said she didn't believe in it. I was like, oh yeah, I guess it could be... But then at the same time, there'd be times when she was like, "Fuck, I'm so fucking bummed out or whatever. And my mood's all fucking crazy." Because she didn't believe in PMS or at least didn't want to, but it was like eventually, well maybe it's because your period's coming and she's kind of like, "Yeah, maybe." sin my shoes or at least didn't want to. So it's this weird thing where it seems like there's some kind of hormonal shift that happens.

Yes. I think it really depends on the person because I don't think everyone has it. And I think some people have whatever PMS is really terrible where other... I know from my experience, 10 days before my period, I will just burst into tears and then I'll get really depressed and I'll always be like, "Why am I depressed?" And then I'll be like, "Oh, it's my period."

PMS is here.

PMS is here.

PMS. How's your PMS?

I didn't really get it, I don't think.

Oh really?

I've never noticed a difference, honestly. I don't know.

Yeah, I can see that, because you're kind of always...

I knew that was coming. I knew it.

I'm like, am I just going to finish this thought?

I feel like Jordan and I, for that year and a half that I was dating one of Jordan's best friends, Jordan and I spent a lot of time together. You guys know me really well. I feel like we don't really talk as much anymore. But I feel like you're a person... No, we don't talk as much, obviously.

No, of course not.

I fucking saw him like five days a week or something for a while there.

Every day. Yeah, it was all the time.

But I feel like still, he knows certain things about me that so many people don't, like somebody other friends don't because I was sleeping and not you, you know-

Okay, I got offended there for a second.

Are you kidding me? Obviously you know more about me than Jordan does.

Thank God.

Yeah, right?

But no, I slept in the same house as he did for a while there. And we spent a lot of time together.

Yeah, it was great. That's why this conversation's going so well.

Oh, that's so nice, Jordan.

Let's move on. You have a story for us.

Oh yeah, tell your story.

Should we go to story?

yeah, do you want to title it?

I will call it The Story of the Missing Tampon. So this is with an ex girlfriend and she would use tampons. And one time we got drunk. I think we were broken up at the time but we still lived together, so we-

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah. It was a fucking nightmare, for sure. And so we were really drunk and we had sex, but then the next morning when she woke up, she was like, "I don't know where my tampon is." And there's like, "What?" She's like, "I don't know where my tampon is." And then we started thinking and then we're like, "Well, we had sex last night. Did you forget to take it out?" She's like, "Maybe. I think I forgot to take it out." And then I'm like, "So it's inside of you somewhere?" And she's like, "I think so." Because a tampon had gotten lost in her twice before. Not lost, but it was a hard-

Stuck.

It was hard. Yes, stuck. Something-

Oh, we've been there.

Okay. So something happened where it was like, it wasn't impossible that this thing went missing in her vagina, the same way sometimes... One time I had a contact on my eye-

Been there, been there.

... and it rolled to the back and I didn't even know, so I put another contact. So that's what she did. She put... no.

That's a hilarious equivalent. Oh my God, that's so true though.

Yeah. So it's like, maybe it's still in there. And then so I have to look. So she's like, "I know we're broken up, but can you rummage around in there?"

So you out her on the...

Yeah. I use my chair, my professional gynecological chair.

And the stirrups.

And the stirrups. I bought them at a garage sale, and so I'm looking around. I wish people could see the gesture I'm doing. Everyone can imagine though, I hope no... I'm using two fingers and I'm pushing them apart from one another.

Parting the Red Sea.

I'm parting it. I hope no ones out there like, "I would've used my thumbs. I would've used thumbs and up and down."

So wait, was she still bleeding out? Because she had her period.

I think the period was over the next day, I feel like. Or no, it was a bit... there was some stuff going on in there. So it was a bit bloody. So we ll bleeding out. Like, was she? Cause she had her period. I think the period was over the next day. I feel like our, no, it wasn't big. It was a bit, there was some stuff going on in there. So it was a bit bloody.

So we looked in there and then we looked in there, so we looked the room and I didn't see anything. Felt like I got... I know all of her vagina. Got everything as far in there as I could, literally, I went in there as much as I could and looked around. Couldn't find anything. So then we're like, holy shit, is it possible for something to get into you? Is it possible? Then we looked it up and it's not really that possible, but it is possible because there's a little hole at the back of the vagina. So it is possible. But maybe somebody can do it in there, but mostly not possible, but we couldn't find it. And then she starts freaking out. She's going to die and she's going to get toxic shock. And then she can't do anything because that day, she has to go see her family. She's going back to Pembroke, Ontario to fucking hang out with her parents.

So she has to hang out with her parents, all the while worrying she's going to get toxic shock syndrome and die. Sort of freaking out, we leave like that. I feel really bad because I'm partly responsible for killing her or whatever. And then that night we eventually fall asleep. I fall asleep and then the next morning I'm going to my bookshelf, which is, there's my bed. And then my bookshelf is 10 steps away. And I'm going to pick out a book and I see this dried, speckled red thing under the thing. I'm like, "What the fuck is that?" And I'm like, "Oh, it's the goddamn tampon," which I always thought was so funny because that was so funny, because it means that in her drunken stupor she took her tampon out and was like, "Where does this go? Oh, the bookshelf. That's where my tampon goes."

That's so funny. I remember I heard you tell that story once-

I probably told it on stage, I think.

... at a show and it was so funny because you were hammered and half way through the story, you changed it from tampon to condom. And you were like, "And we were looking for the condom," and I remember everyone was like, "What happened in that story?"

Yeah. And it was going so well, and then it stopped working.

Yeah, and then there was silent because everyone was like, "I thought it was a tampon." It was so funny.

Maybe I'll tell that story tonight.

You should do it.

It's hilarious.

It was also just at the top of my head people. I didn't-

Could you tell one more story before you go? The story about when you were having sex with that girl and then you saw blood everywhere. Do you remember that?

Oh yeah. That's [inaudible 00:33:32]. Well now there's like a huge bet. I have to do it as a [crosstalk 00:33:36].

That's okay.

Go ahead. Do it. Say it. [crosstalk 00:33:38].

Okay. So one time I was having sex with the same girl, actually. Oh no. She gave as good as she got in terms of-

Wait. I just want to go back for one second. Did you call her and tell her that was the tampon-

Yeah. I did immediately.

And she was relieved.

I was like, "Still can't find it." "I hate you." It ended badly.

Did it actually?

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Oh no. Well, go ahead and tell the second story.

So anyway. So we were having sex, doggy style, back. Her back was in front of me, her back was splayed out in front of me. Her back was there and then we were really into it. And then I looked down and there was blood all over her back. There was tons and tons of blood, crazy amounts of crimson blood.

And did you assume it was a period? What did you think?

Well, I thought, oh, it might be a period, but I had never seen anything like it, it was so much blood, but I was worried about an injury, I though-

You thought she was hemorrhaging or something?

I thought she was bleeding from somewhere, I thought she's bleeding from her vagina. Like maybe it was her period, but something had gone wrong. I thought something had gone horribly wrong.

I can't imagine how much blood there could have been.

Tons of blood. You'll see why there was always blood because it's just fucking tons and tons of blood, like pooling. It was pooling in her back. And then, so I started freaking out and then I told her, and then we couldn't decide whether or not to stop because it was really good. So she's like, "What? What's going on?" And I'm like, "There's blood, there's blood everywhere." But we're like, fuck it. And then what happened though, is that I ended up getting... all the blood was because I got a nose bleed.

How did you not notice?

Because we were too into it. We were like, we were just going.

Was it not on your face?

Well, maybe. It probably was all over my face. But it was like a gushing, crazy nosebleed. Have you ever gotten a nosebleed where you're like, is this ever going to stop? It was one of those. And it was so much blood.

I think I've had one nosebleed.

I get nosebleeds. I get nosebleeds during doggy style sex. So the joke that I have is, it's so nerdy. It's the nerdiest thing. I was like, that's the nerdiest thing that could have happened. The only thing that would have been nerdier would have been if after the sex I pulled out a Ziploc bag of carrot sticks.

[inaudible 00:36:12].

That's so funny.

But she was fine. She was fine.

I want to go back to the original story. Oh, how much time are we on?

We've been recording for a long time and Jordan has a show.

Oh, I got to get out of here. Holy shit.

Okay. So we'll just end there.

This has been crazy.

We'll just end there.

Yeah. We've got a lot. I'm going to have edit this puppy now.

This was awesome, wow.

Thank you so much for coming on to the Crimson Wave. What's your Twitter handle?

Oh, @jordanfoisy. One word, Foisy is spelled like noisy with an F.

There we go.

That's where they can reach you or they can contact you, or they can find out about your show.

Yeah, if you want to show me your period blood and how much of it there is, send me a couple of Instagram. I don't have an Instagram. Send me a couple of Twit picks.

So his address is... No.

Mail me a box of your blood.

Also, you can see him every one of many Wednesdays at Comedy Bar.

At 9:30 [crosstalk 00:37:12].

With Chuckle and Co.

With Chuckle and Co. Natalie's on the one this month.

I am. It's my first time in two years.

Also, you can remember to-

Why am I standing?

... follow us on Facebook/crimsonwave.

At Facebook, have you ever heard?

Or on Twitter @thecrimsonwave, or follow me, @msjessbeaulie.

And me @stalkingnatalie, as well as please rate us, subscribe, tell all your friends and remember to leave comments. Thank you so much.

Ovulater.

Thanks guys. Ovulater?

Show Notes:

On this episode of The Crimson Wave, hosts Jess Bealieu and Natalie Norman welcome their first male guest. The hilarious and talented open minded Jordan Foisy. We discuss girlfriends and their late periods, having sex with women on their periods. Jordan tells some touching, funny stories. He also turns the table on Natalie and Jess and asks them questions.

For more on Jordan Foisy follow him on twitter @jordanfoisy

For his weekly show check out Comedy Bar (945 Bloor Street west) in Toronto every wednesday at 9:30.

For more on The Crimson Wave

facebook.com/thecrimsonwave

For more on Jess: @msjessbeaulieu

For more on Natalie: @stalkingnatalie