Why we love it:
The Crimson Wave podcast is genuinely one of our all-time favs. There's nothing better than humour to cut through deep conversations and make periods and female health accessible. What better way to learn about periods than to listen to expert comedians discuss things with incredible guests? We promise you'll laugh out loud so sit back and give it a listen... or read (hence the transcription below).
As always, if you like it and want to listen more go and find it on your favourite podcast app and show these girls some love!
Listen & Learn:
Hello. Welcome to the Crimson Wave. Why am I always the only person talking at the beginning?
I have no idea. I have no idea. I'm Natalie Norman.
I'm Jess Beaulieu.
And welcome to our podcast. Today, we have a lovely guest.
Oh my God. What a treat.
I'm going to butcher your name. So, why don't Jess say your name.
How could you butcher that name?
It's so easy.
Why [inaudible 00:00:41]. Are you nuts?
I butcher everyone's names, as [crosstalk 00:00:43].
No, it's so easy. Just remember it like this. It's walk, like the action, in, like the preposition, Shaw, like Shawshank Redemption. Walkinshaw [inaudible 00:00:51].
So, we've got Christina Walkinshaw. She's a hilarious comedian.
Hilarious comedian. Writer.
Writer. She has an amazing blog that both me and Jess keep up with.
Famous. It's a famous blog.
You can find it at walkinshaw.tumblr.com.
It's about Tinder.
She's doing 50 dates on Tinder-
50 first dates.
... which is nuts, because I don't even want to go on one Tinder date.
I went on, two or three and I was like, "This is"-
I've been on 37 now.
That's crazy. That is fucking crazy.
I'm nuts. I'm meeting the world one drink at a time.
You really are.
And so, every Tuesday she releases a new blog post. It's called Tinder Tuesdays, which I love alliteration.
Is that a cancer thing?
Yeah. Cancers like alliteration.
Yeah. Natalie and I are both cancers. Yeah.
We've talked about that.
And I do love alliteration. I think it's fantastic.
I hope that means you guys get more sensitive when you have your period.
For sure. Oh, for sure. Yes.
I'm not that sensitive. When I get mine. I don't call it period, by the way. Can I just say right now guys.
Okay so I call it Bloody Kitty.
I know isn't it. I call it BK for short and now my friends can't eat at Burger King. That was like, "Yeah, right."
Now everyone after this will not be able to eat at Burger King.
Everybody listen to this podcast, go to the drive through, order your Angry Whopper and keep listening to this podcast.
Where did you come up with the name Bloody Kitty?
I don't even know.
You don't know?
No, I think it was something weird that me and an ex boyfriend in LA came up.
Well it's a bloody pussy I guess.
It's a play on that?
It's a play on that.
I thought you'd be like, "No, not at all. No, it's not."
I've never been a cat lover. I'm not that kind of girl.
No I don't like cats either.
Yeah, I'm not a cat person either. Cute.
That's an offensive stereotype of women that we all cats.
Absolutely. Do you like dogs?
I don't like responsibility, I find that pets are responsibilities.
I like to pet them and look at them, but I don't own one and be in charge of one.
No, that's fair enough. Why would you.
Life's too short.
Especially when they have their period, which Natalie's mentioned many times.
I have, you might not know. But my... Well, I don't know why you would know, but my dogs, I have two female dogs, my parents do and both of them have their periods.
Yeah, my mom's really crazy. And she felt that if you neuter them, it would ruin their personality.
I feel like this is a ritual. Because we bring this up...
And this is only the second time.
No, it's like the third or fourth. I just love seeing everyone's reactions. Because they're always like, "No, what? Really?"
It's really graphic and there's blood everywhere. And we have to put, I was going to say tampons. No. We put pads on them.
Oh my god can you imagine if you put tampons in them.
We put, they have to wear like underwear.
Oh my God.
And they get really moody. They're exactly like us.
Oh my God. That's crazy.
We are animals.
And she gets very horny. She will hump a stuffed animal like crazy.
Just like we do.
Yeah, all the time.
I do at least.
Wait, hold on. Hold on, we got into this very fast.
So Christina is a comedian.
I also want to message you can listen to her at CBC Debaters.
She did multiple episodes. She's going to be in the Winnipeg comedy festival.
And the Glasgow festival.
I'm excited. I want to hear everything about that when you come back,
It's going to be so exciting, I just plan to drink. Hopefully I don't get my Bloody Kitty that week. That is what, I'm going to keep trying to call back to the period, about Bloody Bloody. But yeah, nobody, I never want to get BK like while you're going on holiday. Do you ever do the math? And you start counting on the calendar. Like, "Please don't let me have it in Hawaii. Please don't let me have it in Hawaii. Please don't let me have it in Hawaii."
Absolutely. Especially during the summer. It's a cottage weekend, it's [inaudible 00:04:34] weekend or... Oh, God.
Especially at cottage, because I personally, this is very personal, but I don't like drinking with tampons in. If I'm drinking, if I'm hammered, I'm wearing a pad.
I'm telling you right now. Because I get so scared that I'm going to get so hammered and pass out. And then I pass with the tampon it and it's in for like 16 hours and I die of TSS.
That is a fair fear.
That's a legitimate fear.
Next to bedbugs, that is my biggest fear is dying with a tampon.
That actually begs the question, have you ever woken up drunk with a tampon in and been like, "Oh my God, how long has this been in?"
Oh yeah. And that's why... One time, that's why I will never drink with the tampon in again.
Oh my God.
It's okay, I lived, but I didn't...
So it's the next question. Do you, so before you start drinking and you're on your BK.
On my third drink, I always go take the... I yank out the tampon and I change to a pad.
Oh, it's getting nuts now. I'm going on the pad.
That's amazing. So you carry a stack of pads and tampons with you.
Well, I like the thin ones. So the stack's not that big.
Phil Luzi has this joke he told recently, about how girls soak their tampons frequently in alcohol.
Yeah it's true.
I've heard that you can get drunk through doing that.
And put it up there.
I would not do that. That's too much.
I'm already, trust me, people already think I'm an alcoholic. There's no way I'm fucking going there.
Maybe you'll forget.
I don't need to add to that rumor. Oh well now I put tampons that are dipped in vodka up my bing bang, up here.
And then you'll forget that you're even there [crosstalk 00:05:59].
Did you just call your vagina a bing bang?
I do call my vagina my bing bang.
Oh my God. This lingo is.
I love it. I love it.
We're going to need a weird dictionary, if you want to understand what I'm talking about, you need to know that BK is my period, my vagina...
The Urban Dictionary Christina Walkinshaw [crosstalk 00:06:18].
My vagina is my bing bang.
What about your breasts.
Oh, I don't have any.
What? Yeah you do. First of all, you do.
It's all padding. Too bad you can't see anything. But seriously look, If I [inaudible 00:06:31] this. Okay here's the bar. Those are the real boobs down there.
If you could only see what's happening. Christina is giving herself two pairs of breasts.
I just made four boobs.
I love it. Love it. Well, let's start with some questions.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
No, I love it.
Now I'm getting BK because I'll look at the beer and I'm filling out my bra. I'm like, "Oh, I must be getting my period." That's how you tell my period's almost over. Look at that big giant gap between me and my, my bra and my boob.
I feel like you're going close to the mic to-
Oh no, it's like I'm trying to show the microphone-
Your cleavage, yeah.
Oh man, sorry. Why am I being so visual? This isn't a web series. I'm an idiot.
Christina is on her period right now.
I know, I have BK right now.
And I also am on my period.
I'm not. Mine's not coming for a while.
Mine's like day three so I feel like it's already... It's pretty much over.
I stopped wearing tampons.
All these are pantyliner days for me.
Exactly, exactly. Except when I was coming here, I thought I leaked everywhere and I was waiting outside of Jess's house, knocking on the door, being like, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my god. It's everywhere."
But it's nowhere, just in my vagina.
No, I know, that's... I think there's two ways you can tell if a girl has BK. One is, yeah when she sits up from a chair, she looks back down at the chair to make sure there's nothing there. We do that, it's very subtle, but you can notice it. Number two, if I'm not... If I don't have BK, I always like to make it a point, like if I'm on a date to purposely leave my purse at the table, because I feel like if I take the purse to the bathroom, the guy is going to think.
Oh yeah, he knows. I got the BK. I need the supplies in my purse. I need to change up the fucking kitty litter and then go back to the table.
The kitty litter. So you call your feminine hygiene products, the kitty-
I do call the products the kitty litter. Bloody Kitty and the kitty litter.
This is the funniest-
Oh hold on, I have to mention this.
So I have, I hold my tampons up in the air, wherever I go. And yesterday I went into a store and-
Even when you don't have a period.
I hope before you use them.
Yeah, just before and after I'm just like... But I walked into a store and the guy at the cash was like, "Oh, is that chocolate in your pocket?" And I was like-
Oh my God Natalie, you put a used tampon.
No, it was a new one. It was a new one, it was in the wrapper.
Oh. I thought you meant because it was leaking through the coat and he thought it was like melted chocolate.
No, no, no, no.
My brain immediately went there.
No, no, no. It was in the wrapper, but it was a bright orange wrapper. And he was like, "Is that chocolate?" And I was like, "No, that's my tampon. But it made them so uncomfortable."
And I was like, "Whatever, bye, see you later."
Why is he uncomfortable? What is like... It's 2014.
God, get with it.
I never get... You know what, I don't know I never get comfortable. When you're at Shoppers and you're getting panty liners, tampons.
All this BK stuff and they're like...
We're never going to get over it.
I know. And then you just, I don't know, you throw in a fucking Dr. Oetker's Pizza just to balance it out. Yeah, I'm going to bleed and eat that pizza. That's my night. The whole thing too. The whole thing.
Okay. Let's stick with the questions. How old were you when you got your period? And you told me a lovely tale about this yesterday.
Yeah, you know what, okay. I think I was kind of later than other girls, as you could tell by my boobs, I'm a late bloomer. And by my comedy career because I've been doing it for 15 years. I still have a day job. So I'm a late bloomer all around. But yeah. I feel like I was in grade nine. So I was like 14 and, okay, the first day I ever got BK, I was on a ski trip, which was perfect because what are the chances? I would have bled through three pairs of pants. I had my thermals and regular pants and I ski pants. So it was like, the universe must love me because there's no way on my first dose, I'm chucking out that much of the Cabernet, do you know what I mean?
The cabernet? Another term.
No, no, no. Do you know what...
Oh my God, this is so disgusting. And I just saw this. So when me and my friends first got our BK, we used to call it, and it was like, the internet was just coming up because that's how old I am. So yeah, we used to call it downloading. Because we weren't wearing tampons, we were too young, so we were just wearing pads. I'm like, "Oh my God. I'm downloading right now."
Oh my God.
Oh, I can feel it dripping out of our bean bag.
There's all the linglow. Linglow. Now I'm just making up-
I'm making up words now. But the lingo is amazing. Downloading. Bing bang. I can't-
It didn't make the dial up noise or anything like that.
I wish you did. That would have been so good.
That's the sound of me downloading.
So. So wait, you were-
Okay, so you're skiing.
Yes, I was skiing the first time. I was at Cypress mountain in Vancouver. And then on the way home, I don't know... After the ski trip, my parents came and picked me up and we went to some weird like night and day restaurant. And then I went to the bathroom and I was like, "Oh my God, I'm a woman."
I was like, you know what I didn't... I was too embarrassed to tell my parents. I just took all the toilet paper, you know when you got to do it, you just take bunches and bunches of toilet paper. I probably looked like I was trying to stuff my underwear.
Just like, that's weird, Jane went to the bathroom. She came out a man.
Do you have any older siblings or younger siblings?
I have a younger sibling by a year.
So you were the one, the first one in the family. So when did you tell them?
I don't even remember telling them, I don't think I ever did it.
So they think you still don't have it.
They don't know about it. Don't tell them. I don't want my parents to know.
That's crazy. So how did you figure... How did you learn about it? How did you?
I feel like enough of my friends already had theirs? So I was like, Oh, I've just got to do it.
Because you were older than that.
Yeah. I mean, I'm sure I subtly told my mom somehow, like, "It's time to buy those."
Did anyone give you advice when you got your period?
No, I don't think so. I think I just had to figure it out.
Wow. That's terrifying.
I'm a very independent woman.
I know you are. I can... Yeah, just doing it on your own, looking out for yourself.
Oh yeah, I don't ask questions. I don't ask for advice. I'm like, Oh, I'll fucking figure it out.
I [inaudible 00:12:30], I just figure it out.
You just figure it out. That's so funny. That's the opposite of my period. I immediately was in, I went to elementary school, my mom taught there. So I immediately ran up to her classroom. It was like, "I'm dying from my vagina." I wasn't even sure. I didn't know. Anyway, but she explained it to me. Sat me down and was like, "This is what happens." And here's how you're going to feel.
I remember that show. Remember that show Ready or Not.
Yes. Of course.
Classic can com right? I remember the first time Busy got her period on the show.
And she obviously was wearing the white pants and had the red mark on her butt.
And she was before Amanda right and so Amanda was jealous?
That's so weird that girls would be jealous [crosstalk 00:13:11].
And she also got her breasts before Amanda right?
That's so weird.
Did she? Yeah.
Amanda's so jealous, why would you be jealous of all those things?
I remember on Ready or Not was how me and my girlfriends growing up we'd always do this one too. But yeah, when Busy had that red mark on her pants, she told everybody in class, "Oh, I sat on something sharp."
Imagine that, "I say on something sharp." That was a good cover.
I sat on something sharp.
What if I just didn't wear pads for a whole five days during BK. And then just walked around down, "I sat on something sharp," for five days.
No one will believe you.
I got these new Japanese pants, Japanese flag pants I'm wearing. That's what I call it. Whenever you sleep with a guy that has all white sheets, I always get scared. What if I have BK on his sheets? And then, you wake up on a Japanese flag.
A Japanese flag. I didn't get that until right now. That is so accurate.
So this will the lead to my next question, our next question.
But do you have sex with your period?
I don't. But I, but then there's some times where you don't really know what's coming and then the guy dips in and dips out the condom comes out another color.
I don't remember getting the colored condoms.
Maybe it's a hyper color condom that just was so passionate that it turns red in the heat of passion.
It's a mood condom.
It's a mood condom. This sex is hot.
I'm turned on, you can tell.
Is there a reason you don't like to have sex on your period or?
I don't know. I just feel, I don't know. Kind of messy, kind of gross, kind of embarrassing.
Really, you find it embarrassing?
I don't think I, well-
So you've only done it in the sense of dipping in and out?
Well, I mean, pretty much accidentally. When you don't really know. Or I might do it if it's almost done, do you know what I mean.
But not on those like-
Really heavy days.
Yeah, not on those days, because then it would be like...
It's just like... I don't know. I have some like weird old boyfriend. I'm sure you guys have heard this hacky line, but, "It's okay to swim in the red river. Just don't drink from it."
Or just like... See, I just I prefer oral sex.
You're referring to oral sex.
Yeah, I love oral sex.
Let's just get, yeah, oral sex is what we're discussing.
I'm sleeping over at a guy's house. I mean, obviously I usually, I like to sleep naked. I mean, this is not the time of year to sleep naked, but yeah. So anyways, but then if you're sleeping over at a guy's house, I always make sure if I have a all that kitty litter down there, I obviously ask for pajama pants. I'm like, "Oh, can I have some pajama pants?"
But that'd be embarrassing if you gave it back and they were red, but...
I've done it. Done it well to a friend of mine, not to guy, but I did it to a friend.
I just gave you period panties. There you go, guy.
Have you ever leaked?
Have I ever leaked? I mean, I feel like... Oh God, I mean, I must have, but I don't have... I'm really good at blocking anything negative that happens to me in my life out of my memory. So if I leaked I don't have a memory of it. That's how positive of a person I am.
Such a Sagittarius.
Such a Sag, nothing bad happens to me guys.
My period's great. I never get sore. It's-
We're the opposite. And Natalie and I are Cancer. I already said that already.
We talk about it all the time.
Yeah. I just think about everything horrible that's ever happened to me constantly. It never stops.
I feel like I only get the tender and it's so funny because I'll actually stop myself. I'll know. I'll be like, if I get a little sad or if I'm worried about something, I'm like, "Oh, you know what, I'm getting BK in three days. That's the only reason I'm having this tender off with my emotions or whatever. And then I'll be like, well give it three days and I can think about that same thing and I won't give a shit about it.
So think about being like that all the time and that's us. Like you're always on your period.
Well that's my next question-
And then when you're on your period, you're in psychotic territory.
The first day I get my BK. I'm usually really happy. I'm sore but I'm happy. Yeah. It's like I only get angsty a couple of days before.
A couple of days before.
And then once I get it, I'm like, phew, I feel great. I'm happy again.
Do you consider that PMS?
Oh yeah. Well PMS yeah, the three days before.
Yeah, is the PMS. You feel a bit sad.
Once you actually have the M I feel none of the sad. Yeah.
Do you get any other things, do you crave chocolate before your period.
Not at all. I don't have a sweet tooth, I have an alcoholic tooth.
So you crave alcohol. Oh yeah.
When I get sore if I was sore that day BK. Yeah. That is, yeah, that's fine. I'll crack open a bottle of wine. Eat a lot of cheese. I'm happy. I don't eat chocolate though.
I've no sweet tooth at all.
I'm really envious right now. Your life sounds very positive.
Oh, it sounds the most positive. I wish I was Christina.
You get sad a little bit.
A little bit.
But I can [inaudible 00:18:01] it, nail it, I can hammer it and go, "Christina. That's not real sadness. That is a hormone that is creating a sadness." And then I can see over... I could see past it. Yes. I'm very in tune with my body, with my hormones.
That's awesome. That's so, that's important though.
Oh my gosh, we're slaves.
I don't let them control me.
I let it control me always.
No, not me.
You're better than I am, Christina.
No, no I'm not.
Yes you are. You are.
No, no. I've lots of disgusting flaws. Like I burp and fart a lot.
Oh, that's not a flaw, that's wonderful.
That's, yeah, that's not a flaw.
Isn't farting on your period fun?
Oh yeah, that's great.
You never know what's going to come out.
It's something like flood.
Usually when I have my period I get really, I have a lot of poo. Just the first day I have to-
That doesn't [inaudible 00:18:51].
No, I think you're right. I think there is-
No, I think the day one, sometimes it's like your period and diarrhea.
I'm going to say something really vile right now.
No, I love vile. This is the best ever.
One time I realized that... Okay, I do the thing where I forget to wear a tampon sometimes. I'm just really lazy, I leak everywhere. Everywhere. And I went to go wipe, I had diarrhea because it was the first day, really bad day. And I went and wiped and I was like, "Oh my God, what a beautiful ombre."
You know what ombre is. It's like colors fading into one another. I looked at the toilet paper and it was like poo, red, orange. And I was like, "This is so beautiful."
Oh my god.
Really gross. Told you. Really disgusting.
Oh my God. That's hilarious.
You should have framed that. Your body made [inaudible 00:19:39].
It was smelly. I was really unhappy too. Because-
It was smelly.
It was everything.
It was all of the smells together.
But yeah, you don't get poo the first day. Do you get poo?
I [crosstalk 00:19:51] my stomach is always crazy the first day I get it.
That's true, my stomach is yeah, up and down.
My stomach will, it'll shred things. It'll just be like, "No, we don't want anything in our body today. Everything is going out. Reduced to clear, we're out of here. Everything." The BK stuff, the food, it's like my body wants to be empty the first day.
Cleanse, it's a cleanse.
It is a cleanse.
Wow. Imagine if you were on a cleanse also. Oh your toilet would just be destroyed.
The amount of stuff coming out of your body.
I think my toilet's already on its last legs. It's like, every time I flush it, I'm like, I don't know what's going to happen. It's like a car that's about to die, but it keeps living. It's like... It's okay. It's like a little Hyundai. Keeps going, barely though.
Do you use a period app?
I did for a bit, like I did have that P Tracker. But I just really fell off the wagon.
I had P Tracker, yeah.
I mean, I feel like I don't track my... I don't track it, but I can tell, like I said, just through emotions when I'm going to get it. And then I feel it in my body. Because all of a sudden it's... My lower back will hurt a few hours before I get it. And I'm like, "Oh, I'm getting it."
Then I'll put the litter in the underwear and get ready to go. And, but something for this month, like a couple of days ago, it was so weird. I was happy, no emotions, no soreness.
No emotions at all.
Very robotic yeah.
I was drunk all week, whatever. I don't feel anything. No, but it was so weird. Because it just... I think it was Thursday morning and just... You know when it's a shocker period, you just go to the bathroom and all of a sudden you look in the toilet and it's red.
You're like, "Oh my God, I wasn't expecting that." I didn't feel anything.
It's probably because you're just so busy.
I know. I don't know. I don't know what. Yeah. I'm just too busy to even notice BK. I notice it.
So you don't even know when it's late? You've no idea?
Now, have you ever had a late scare?
Yeah. I don't know. I've never had a pregnancy scare.
Holy shit, Christina. You're just worry free all the time. That is crazy.
I always use condoms, and I [crosstalk 00:21:50].
But it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
And are you also on the pill?
No, I was on the pill until I was 27. It was very interesting. But then I went off the pill and then I noticed that a month later I start to get really horny all the time. And so I thought it was like, well maybe I'm getting closer to my sexual peak or whatever. And then one of my friends was like, "No, you went off the pill a month ago right?"
"And so you just want to sit on doorknobs or anything you can find." [crosstalk 00:22:13].
That's so interesting.
There's this super duper horny time of the month. I think it's right in between my BKs where literally I can jill off twice a day.
Sometimes I jill off twice a day because I'm just bored-
Wait what's this term you're using?
Oh that's masturbating.
Oh my God.
Jilling off, there you go, like jacking off for girls.
Oh my God.
That's urban dictionary. That's not me.
Oh, well, doesn't matter.
Yeah, it doesn't matter. I've never heard someone use it.
We will release glossary of terms with this episode.
Before you listen to this you must know all the lingo.
Everyone should use these. I'm going to start using chilling out.
No it's "jilling off".
Oh, why did I think it was chilling out? I fully thought you were saying chilling out.
No, jilling off, like jacking off.
Chilling out is better. Here's the thing, like, "I chilled out today, I chilled out twice."
You could start your own language Jess.
Mine is chilling out. I'm referring to it as chilling out.
So you get really... So you found that after?
It must be, because I think that women... I'm old enough to have friends that try to get pregnant later in life. What a bunch of morons.
But they're always, they watch the cycle, because they're trying to get pregnant, whereas I think the easy time to get pregnant is right when you're in between.
In the middle.
So, and that's obviously, yeah... That's when I was at when I was at my horniest. Where it's just, I need to jill off, but I prefer not to jill off when I have BK because I don't want to dye the vibrator red. Do you know what I mean? I don't want to get... I don't want to change the color of it. I don't know.
Mine is purple so it wouldn't.
Mine is purple too actually. Do you have a rabbit?
No it's not a rabbit. I don't know what it's called.
I have like five vibrators. I adore [inaudible 00:23:58].
I want to go buy a new one actually. I think that's...
Where do you buy yours from I got Good for Her.
I, literally they've all been gifts.
I don't think I've... There's maybe, no there's one I bought.
Your friends love you and know you very well.
I know. Oh yeah.
I gave my roommate a vibrator.
No there's one I bought. I bought one in Halifax.
At Venus Envy?
Yes. That's exactly where I got it from.
And it was so cute. It looks like a lipstick.
I know exactly which one you're talking about.
Yeah and then you just push the top of the lipstick part and then it vibrates and it's like...
It looks like a lipstick.
It's a good roady one because it's a little disguised. It's not like when I take it out at the airport.
That's a great sex shop.
It's so good. I also bought two porns there too.
Were they good?
No, they were terrible. I asked for female friendly porn and I asked her recommendations.
You bought porn?
That's what everybody said after I did that. I know. And then I crashed my computer from them because I hated both of them so much. Well, I didn't hate that, but they just weren't working for me...
How long ago was this?
Like two summers ago.
So I know I should have been using the internet, but I was so scared that I would crash my computer from watching online porn.
And so I bought porn. But here's the irony. So one night I'm so hammered and I'm trying to Jill off.
I know, jill out. And so I keep changing the disc because I'm like, "Oh, this one's not working. Let me go back to the other one." I'm like, "Oh, this one really sucks." I go back to the other one. There were 30 bucks each too. I spent-
Oh my God.
I was only making $125 a show, and I just spent $75 of it on porn.
Anyway. So then I kept on changing the movie back. Going back to this one, back to this one. And then finally my whole computer crashed. Like it literally... The computer died.
That is so funny.
Still the moral of the story is you're going to crash your computer watching porn no matter how you do it.
Definitely. That's what porn is. That's what porn does to your life.
It crashes your life?
I have no idea what I'm saying.
No it doesn't.q
What about porn stars getting their periods? Do they have to just take a couple days off work?
It's a good question.
We'll have a porn star on.
What was that?
We'll get a porn star on.
You should. That'd be really interesting.
It would be really interesting. It probably does affect their work.
It's like athletes.
Oh, but you know what they probably do. Because athletes don't get their periods. They just keep taking birth controls.
Yeah, maybe they do that.
So porn stars probably do that too.
I think that that would cause you to be a raging bitch-
Really, you think so?
Yeah. You need to have your period.
No you don't actually. You don't.
I did that. I did that once. I didn't want to get my period one month. So I just started a new package of pills rather than taking the seven days off, the seven sugar pills and literally a week into that second package of pills, and you know me, I'm a happy person, I was bitchy. I had a boyfriend at the time and I remember being really rude to him. And I was like, that's not me at all. That's not me to be so bitchy. But I was really bitchy. So I do think that not having your period and just taking hormones straight through.
I think that's going to make you real bitchy.
I think it's going to affect your system no matter what, you need that break.
Yeah. You do.
Well, unless but if there are no eggs being produced. There's nothing to flush out. That's the thing. The eggs, the eggs that are created in you. In your ovaries.
If you're just tuning in now, this is a new episode of Cake Watch.
I told you this last night, but I don't think I've mentioned this on podcast. Is that I've always afraid of TSS.
Oh yeah. I'm afraid of that for sure.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Me too.
I'm terrified and I should've said it earlier, but when you were talking about drinking, you always wear a pad. And it's the best idea. Because one night, when, I told you this, I was drinking and I had a friend sleep over and she was already annoyed with me because I made her sleep in the bed beside me naked. Because I love sleeping naked. And I was like, "Fuck it. This is my bed. I'm drunk. I'm going to do whatever I want." And in the middle of the night I woke up still drunk. And I was like, "I'm still wearing a tampon." But instead of going out of my bed and going to change the tampon or put a pad on, I ripped it out of me, just ripped it out and threw it on the floor.
And threw it. Yeah, yeah.
Oh my God.
Just threw it on the floor and went back to bed and didn't say anything.
And we went back to bed and we woke up and she was just circummed in my blood because-
Oh my God.
It's a horror film.
It was the second day or the first day, and it was just tons of blood everywhere. And she still... She was mad at me. But at the same time we thought it was so funny because who does that? Who just rips it out? I was like, "Ah, like whatever." And she was in my blood. Still made me a bridesmaid and everything. And I slept beside her on the night of her wedding night.
My God, must love you.
So it was all good. I was like, "What if I get my period and I bleed all over your body."
If I bleed all over your body.
That's... My period used to be a lot heavier when I was younger.
Yeah. Oh, mine is so heavy.
Mine is a lot lighter now.
I think as you get older that lightens up.
Yeah. Like I said, maybe my first day is-
Yeah. But never, I don't even...
Do you get [period] cramps?
I don't have to use those heavy tampons or whatever. I prefer to use the, I don't know, the low impact. I don't know what they're called.
Low impact? [inaudible 00:28:57].
No, you know what it's like... I don't know. There's a light... The light flow. That's what it's called.
The low [inaudible 00:29:04] pad.
I call those baby tampons.
That's what I use.
Low impact kitty litter.
I scared that... I don't want to use those heavy tampons. I'd rather use the light ones and change them more often rather than use a heavy one. Because I'm just scared. I don't want... As a sexually active woman, I like things to stay moist down there. And then sometimes I get scared if I use tampons too often-
It's going to suck up all the moisture and I'm not going to be wet during sex.
I don't know if I agree with that but-
I know that I don't agree, but I don't, I never want to use sleep to lube so I get very paranoid. I don't like to use tampons too much. I like to keep things-
So do you ever, have you ever used the diva cup?
What's the diva cup?
There's different names for it. Different names, but it's a plastic cup almost and it's reusable and lasts for like five hours.
Yeah I have heard of that. I've never used one though.
Okay. Because maybe-
Won't it make a bump. What if you are wearing leggings like this, would you be able to see it?
Oh no, no. It's all the way in. It's like a diaphragm.
Oh really, it's like a diaphragm. Wow. And these young ladies know what that is. [inaudible 00:30:01].
You young ladies. Christina you're acting like you're in your 60s or something. You're like, "I'm so old." You're crazy.
These people on the podcast are probably like, "Uh, she does have a cougar laugh." Okay.
They're picturing a grandmother. They're picturing a grandmother.
Guys I have a gross story.
Why don't you tell it?
So a long time ago, I was staying at my friend Carlos and Nick's house in Ottawa. This is when I was in my sorority. And I stayed over at their house. I was looking after their dog. The dog was a pit bull, but a super nice friendly pit bull. So I'm going to stay over there while they're out of town look after their dog.
So of course I have BK. and after they come home or whatever, I get this call from Carlos and he's like, "You got your period, don't you?"
And I was like, "What?" Yeah, I'm like, "What?" I was being shy. Back in those days you don't talk about anything.
Back in those days. Back in the 20s.
In my 20s, I'm 20, I keep everything secret.
The 1920s I mean.
Yeah, I guessed that.
Christina is 90, yeah.
Well I think we all use pads overnight. And so I guess I had probably thrown one in the garbage, in the morning. And then I guess after I left, the dog must've missed me or something. And he sniffed through the garbage and he ate the pad.
Yeah, that's happened. We both-
And he dragged it into the living room so Nick and Carlos could just see that he's chewing my pad.
Oh my God.
That's happened to both of us right. That's happened to me. That's happened to me too. Dogs, they must be attracted to the blood.
Dogs what? Oh, for sure they like it.
They're like sharks.
Because it's the hormones, it's the...
They're like sharks, yeah.
No that's happened to me before and my sister gets infuriated with me or she did... Not now. I'm probably so... No, it happens now. Anyway, if I don't securely wrap the pad after use, if I just toss it freely in the garbage.
No, yeah, no.
Because if there's a dog in the house, it inevitably will go in the garbage up, pick it up-
Were they mad at you?
No, they were laughing, for sure. It's true. Oh man. I can see [inaudible 00:32:00]. I do wrap those things good. I don't want you to like... I wrap it good man. At least six rounds. [inaudible 00:32:03] six rounds of toilet paper-
I feel like the scent is so strong...
I would say six rounds of toilet paper.
You count? One, two, three, four, five, six-
One, two, three, four, five, six.
So yeah, I usually wrap it well but sometimes I get lazy and I just toss it in and that's when the dogs find it.
Never wrap it. Just throw it out.
You never wrap it?
What if it accidentally blossomed in the garbage like a flower, open.
I never, I guess I'm a really bad person, but I never use pads ever.
You're a bad person.
Well [crosstalk 00:32:36].
[crosstalk 00:32:33] what if you were ever having sex and you had squeaky V. Would you-
A squeaky V?
That's when you're not wet during sex, a squeaky V.
This is too much.
What if the tampons are taking away your natural moisture?
I don't think that's possible.
I don't think that, first of all, I know for me, that is not possible because I'm wet most of the time.
Oh, I'm wet all the time.
What if men are talking about us behind our back. And they're like, "Oh, she had squeaky V. She probably uses tampons too much."
If you have squeaky V it means you're not attracted, you're not attracted to the guy.
I mean yeah, there is that.
It's his fault. It's his fault.
It's his fault. He's not turning you on Christina.
That's it, so it's not the tampons.
I don't, it's not blood kitty, blood kitty, blood kitty.
It's not BK's fault if you have squeaky V.
It's not BK or the kitty litters fault if you have squeaky V. Your bing bong is squeaky V.
It's bing bang.
Bing bong. Oh, bing bang. I love getting these mixed up.
I know, that's your old lady side. Not getting the words right.
Chilling out. I'm chilling out with my bing bong.
I do have a feeling though. I do want to mention this. That I've heard that tampons aren't the best for you because they're bleach and there's a lot of harsh chemicals.
Yes, that's true.
So you might be onto something there.
But I don't know that's it's soaking up your fluid.
I liked to, I'm playing it safe ladies. I want to be moist down there.
You should have endless moisture shouldn't you?
I feel like I'm pretty, I'm doing all right down there.
We're... I don't want to speak for Jess, but I'm wet all the time, it's nauseating.
I know, especially during that middle time, it's like [inaudible 00:34:15].
Oh, it's crazy. It's crazy.
And that's when you think you have your period frequently, do you ever get those, the joke periods?
Oh my God, either that guy's super hot or I'm getting my period. It is wet downstairs.
Oh my God super hot.
Sometimes I have to wear pantyliners.
You know what I will say about tampons too, that I don't [inaudible 00:34:36] and I don't like wearing them is because if you don't believe a lot, at the end of the day it's painful to pull it out.
It's like sandpaper.
It's true, exactly.
It's like a roll of sandpaper.
Yeah, no, it's true.
It's completely true isn't it?
Yeah. It's like corking up in a bottle of wine and it gets stuck on the way. You ever get your boss to open it at the table.
That visual, that visual is perfect. These metaphors are too great. They're just, I mean, Christina should write a book.
I knew I was going to have fun coming here and talking about this topic. Because when have I ever had the chance... As it is, it's female comics, oh are you going to be talking about your period?
Absolutely, that's the whole point of it.
Hell yeah I'm going to talk about my period. [inaudible 00:35:18].
Oh yeah we love your-
I could talk about it for an hour. It's way funner. I got lots of material. I've been bleeding for years.
Bleeding on stage, literally.
Oh my gosh. I just thought about this. Can you imagine having a killer set or even bombing and then turning around to get off the stage and just [inaudible 00:35:36] your pad.
Oh, that would be too great.
We should just do it as a stunt. Put it on YouTube. Somebody would find it. It would go viral for sure.
It would so go viral.
She doesn't do a period joke, the period plays a joke on her.
Okay, we've come to an end.
Period jokes came back to bite her in the ass.
In the ass. Yeah.
I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.
[inaudible 00:36:00] last night I did... It has nothing to do with my period. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'll say it after.
We'll talk about it after. Edit that out.
Okay. We would love to say thank you to our lovely guest.
Thank you for having me, this is seriously very fun.
Oh, it was so fun, Christina.
Oh man. Ladies, if you're out there and you're listening, you got to come and do the show. Guys too if you get one, I don't know if you.
Yeah, we're doing guys.
We're going to have guys on to talk about their experience.
Oh they're going to talk about their stories. Yeah. That's cool.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Big remember, Tinder's Tuesday's.
Tinder Tuesday. I, yeah, I post my blogs on Tuesday.
Walk in sauce.
Walk in sauce.
@walkinsauce on Twitter.
Do you have a Facebook page?
I think so, somebody else started it for me, I've never been on it.
Somebody else, like a fan?
No, just this other comment. He's like, "You should have a page" and then I said, "Whatever."
I'm a really bad business woman. People are like, "You should do this." And then I'm like, "Oh yeah, yeah, yeah."
And if you're in Winnipeg or Glasgow.
Or Glasgow, I'll be there both yeah.
Or, yeah, go ahead sorry.
Some of my blogs are on Huffington Post Canada as well.
And you had an... There was an article in xoJane, right?
Oh yeah. That was a while ago. That's powerful.
Well yeah, if you want to Google me some shit will come up.
So Google her.
[crosstalk 00:37:18] read.
Oh, what an ending.
And then you can download it.
Oh God, these callbacks. These callbacks. This is comedy gold. Thank you.
So thank you very much. I'm your host. One of your hosts, Natalie Norman.
Wow. I'm Jess Beaulieu. I also host.
And remember, yeah, remember to subscribe.
Tumblr, tumble us.
Tweet us. Share. And what was our... Ovulator.
Thanks, Christina, Ovulator.
Go with the flow.
On this episode of The Crimson Wave hosts Jess Beaulieu and Natalie Norman welcome comedian extraordinaire, Tinder expert, and famous blogger Christina Walkinshaw to the show. Christina discusses her fear of drying out, what it's like to be a Sagittarius on her period, and introduces the hosts to some new, hilarious mentrual lingo.
Enjoy and remember to subscribe! Like us, rate us, love us.
For more on Christina Walkinshaw, check out the following:
New blog post every Tuesday: TINDER TUESDAYS
Christina on the cover of Now Magazine: Read the Article